Chrissy’s Perfect Life

Part One

She awakes to hear the chirping of the birds. As she stretches out her fingers and slides her hands along her bed she wonders to herself why is it that a bed always feels it’s best when you have to get up. Chrissy would be more than happy to just laze in bed all day, but as her hands flicked over her wet, bulging diaper she knew she had to get up.

She sat up in her bed and pulled the covers off her limp legs. She dragged her ultra lightweight chair over to the bed and locked the brakes. Chrissy then slid her legs over the bed and onto the floor, and pulled herself towards the edge of the bed. She then tilted sideways and placed one of her hands underneath her bottom. Her other hand went and sat in the seat of her chair. Then in one swift movement, she swung herself from the bed to the chair. The squelch of her diaper continued to remind her of how wet she was. As she rolled round her bedroom grabbing her clothes, a pair of slazenger pants and a tank top, she marvelled at her life. Surely she would never have thought her life could have ever been as complete as it is now. The way she felt as she propelled her chair, the elated feeling she got as she fingered her push rims. She could never be this happy had she have stayed in her old life. She thought back to the day that made this all possible…her mind drifting…

Chrissy gazed at the pictures, the stories, the wheelchairs, and her friends on her computer one last time. She edged her finger to the right mouse button and clicked it. Slowly, carefully she tapped down to the only option she could really see in the list…delete. She hated it when the next box came up, “do you really want to delete these files?” She hurriedly clicked ok before she could change her mind.

Chrissy had gotten to the point where she could no longer simply pretend she had the life she so desperately wanted. She knew she was at a point where she either did it, or she gave up completely. And then giving up completely wasn’t the best of options was it?

Knock Knock Knock

Chrissy turned around and wheeled her chair towards the door. It was the only chair she could afford, it did it’s job, but it certainly wasn’t her first choice. As she opened the door she greeted the friend that was there. He was also in a wheelchair, by both choice, and necessity. Chrissy had recently helped him with his needs to be in a wheelchair, and he was now here to return the favour by helping her with her desires.

“Hi, did you get the stuff?”

“Yea, here it is. Did you get the alcohol?”

“Yea”

David then followed Chrissy through to her bedroom where she pulled out the Ethyl Alcohol and the thick crinkly disposable diapers. She wheeled herself to the bed, removed the duvet and top sheet, and then transferred onto it. She preferred not to watch as she listened to David wash his hands, clink round with the injection and vial, and gently pull up her shirt, exposing her back. She then heard a riiip as he opened an alcohol swap. He rubbed it along her spine where her ribcage ended, where her first lumbar vertebra started. It tingled so badly as she anticipated what was coming next. Ideally she would have gone for the twelfth thoracic level, but decided that it was better to go lower than she wanted than to go higher than she wanted. They were both deathly silent as he plunged the needle into her back, through her spine, into the spinal canal…all Chrissy could think about was the burning, painful sensations ripping through her spine that second.

Chrissy rolled into her bathroom and pulled a couple of towels out of the cupboard. Nice thick fluffy towels. One she hung on its rail, the other one she placed on the floor next to her chair. She then transferred onto the stool sitting in her shower (it was a roll in one) and arranged the towel on her chair. She then bumped it out of the shower stall and pulled the door closed. Didn’t want it getting wet after all.

Chrissy pulled the detachable showerhead down from it’s holder, and held it facing the wall, as she turned the tap on. Slowly, decisively she turned the mixer until she had the desired temperature. She waved her hand under the stream of water to make sure. Chrissy proceeded to carefully wet her hair until it was drenched. She replaced the shower head back on it’s holder and reached for her dove shampoo. She squirted the small amount she needed into her and rubbed it into her hair, massaging her scalp. When she felt it had been in there long enough she rinsed her hair off again and wet it once more. She then took a tiny dab of her shampoo and lathered it up in her hair, ensuring she got all of the dirt and oil out of her hair. She then rinsed it all out again. This time savouring the sensation of the water running through her hair. She once again put the shower head down and grabbed conditioner. She squeezed a decent amount into her hand and started rubbing it in her hair. The good thing about showing this way was that she didn’t need to worry about washing out the conditioner before she wanted to. Chrissy loved her hair. She always felt it was her best feature, and worked hard to keep it that way. No one could ever understand why she spent half an hour in the shower, but in her opinion it was all worth it. Chrissy sprayed the warm, refreshing water over her body. The water spilled over her lifeless legs and pooled where her feet were. As she rubbed the body wash into her skin she enjoyed every second. Washing the soap off as she finished with each limb.

Chrissy reached up towards her hair again and started the task of washing out all the conditioner, leaving her hair clean, soft. This took longest of all. When her hair was clean enough to her satisfaction she turned off the water, opened the door, pulled her wheelchair in, and transferred back into it. She then wheeled over to her towel and dried herself off.

After Chrissy and David had stayed put, silently waiting, Chrissy finally allowed her thoughts to drift to her legs. She could not feel them. She could not move them. As she rubbed her hands along her legs she drifted them up towards her diaper. She could feel her diaper becoming warm, and she knew then she was wetting herself for the first time. All those other times didn’t really count to her cause she was letting herself do it. David then handed her the remote to the TV, her cell phone and her teddy bear and told her to ring him if anything went wrong. He also added he would pop in tomorrow morning to check on her, although after going through the same process with David they both knew what to expect. After ensuring she could see a clock, and could roll herself over to change position, he wheeled himself out of the flat, and closed the door. No one other than himself would be going in, or out. They were under the facade that Chrissy had gone on holiday and that he was keeping an eye on her place.

Chrissy used this time on her own to examine what had just happened. When David injected the Ethanol into her spine she only felt burning for a second before her legs went lifeless. The alcohol didn’t kill off her spinal cord specifically, but it did destroy the myelin surrounding her spinal cord, giving the same effect. She could still feel the injection site. Having an injection in your spine is a big enough ordeal in it’s own right. She tried not to worry. She had a sterile dressing covering the injection site waiting for it to heal. Once it was healed the ball could be pushed further down the track, towards her new life. These thoughts were pleasant on her soul as she set her alarm clock for two hours, and then drifted off to sleep.

After ensuring her hair was dry, Chrissy managed to wrap her towel around her waist and wheel back into her bedroom. Although she was perfectly capable of getting dressed in her chair it was always much easier to change on her bed. She transferred onto her bed and grabbed one of the diapers sitting on her bedside table. She rolled herself onto her side and positioned the diaper under her. She rolled herself back over and pulled her legs apart. She then pulled the diaper between her legs and taped it up tightly. Rolling to her other side to check the back was done properly.

Chrissy knew she could simply cath just like most other paraplegics, but there was something about pulling on a diaper that attracted her. Although she couldn’t physically feel the wetness of her diaper like she used to, the thought was enough. Besides, with cathing you had to make a point of going to do it. But with wearing diapers you could stay put and not have to get it sorted straight away. No you can’t sit in a wet diaper for too long, cant risk getting pressure sores, but there is more flexibility. Chrissy felt happy knowing she didn’t have to worry about any “accidents” because she didn’t go cath on time. Besides that Chrissy knew that the bladder is a sterile environment, and your risking your health every time you insert a catheter in there. It was one of the reasons why she never used a catheter before she managed to get her new life.

Chrissy then picked up the pair of pants that had been sitting on her table under her diaper. She sat up and placed her legs through the leg holes and pulled the pants up her legs as far as they would go. She then pulled herself over onto her side and pulled one side of her pants as far up over her hips as she could get them. She then rolled over to her other side and continued straightening her pants out. She then pulled the towel off her chair and transferred back into it. She wrapped the towel round her head and put her bra and tank top on. After vigorously rubbing and brushing her hair she was ready for the day. She grabbed her wallet, keys and cell phone and tossed them into the bag hanging from the back of her chair. She then headed to the door to go to work.

It had been two weeks. Chrissy had been turning herself every two hours, and changing her wet diapers. Having bowel motions was a bit harder, and she generally ended up “encouraging” them with her finger. She would lie in bed and watch TV, or read a book. David would come in each morning to change her dressing, and clean where the injection had been put in, and now you would never know an injection had been put there. She could easily pass it off as another one of the mosquito bites she’d gotten in the pacific islands that had become infected and left a scar.

This morning was the morning. Her alarm went off at seven am. She turned it off. Waited several minutes to think. Today was the day she had arranged to go back to work. She reached over for her cell phone and dialled her managers number.

Ring ring, ring ring

“Hello?” She could hear Michelle answer groggily.

“Michelle? You have to help me!” Chrissy tried too sound as scared and convincing as she could, “I had been feeling funny last night, all hot and feverish. I’d had a few tummy problems about a week before but thought nothing of it.”

“Where are you going with this Chrissy? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t feel my legs. I don’t know why but I woke up this morning and I couldn’t feel my legs. I can’t move them either. Eww and I think I just wet the bed. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know why this has happened to me.”

“Ok, hang up the phone Chrissy. I’m on my way. While I’m coming you have to call 1 1 1, can you do that?”

Chrissy started sobbing and answered, “I think so”

“Good girl, I won’t be long!” With that the phone call ended and Chrissy punched in the new number.

“Emergency services how can I help you?” The voice on the phone sounded pleasant and comforting.

“Please, help! I didn’t think anything of it last night but I woke up this morning and I can’t feel my legs. I don’t know what is wrong with me, I thought I just had a stomach bug. Eww and I’ve just wet my bed” Chrissy worked herself into hysterics as she continued to describe the condition she was in.

The operator then checked the address and said, “an ambulance is in it’s way, you need to calm down. I know this seems a little scary but you will get through it. Are you on your own?”

<sniff> “yes, but a friend from work is coming round. I rang her as soon as I realised what was happening…I thought nothing of it when my feet felt like they were going to sleep, I don’t know what is wrong” Chrissy burst into tears again and the operator continued to comfort her until Michelle arrived.

“Ew, you weren’t kidding were you honey?” Michelle then took her phone and spoke to the operator, “Hi, I’m a friend of Chrissy’s, it’s ok for you to hang up now and carry on, I’m here for her. Thank you”

Just then they heard a slam at the door and two men appeared in her bedroom with a stretcher and a green bag. Chrissy was too “upset” to explain a third time what had happened so Michelle relayed what happened to them as best she could. “She went on holiday a couple of weeks ago and says she felt like she had a stomach ache about halfway through. She shrugged it off and carried on. Then last night she felt all hot and feverish, and felt a burning sensation in her back…and her feet felt like they were falling asleep…have I got it right?” she turned to me and I gave a teary nod.

The paramedics took stock of her wet bed. They turned Chrissy over and placed an absorbent sheet under her. They then started poking and prodding and pressing her legs in different parts, and surely enough, she couldn’t feel a thing. They transferred her to the stretcher and put the disposable diaper on her, that they had in their bag. They then pulled a sheet and blanket over her and strapped her in. They then raised the sides and wheeled her out the door. By then a crowd had gathered outside. Chrissy was too busy acting upset to see them but she could hear them muttering. This drained Chrissy immensely. You must realise, although it had been a couple of weeks since she first started it all…she was still as useless as any other new para, and she drifted off to sleep.

Chrissy got to work in good time flushed from her exercise. As she passed the doors of her colleagues she would knock and say hello. She found her way to her own office and admired the sign on the door. “Chrissy Stockem – Accounts Clerk”. Chrissy had always been the sort of person who would love to spend all day sitting at a computer, and this was pretty much her dream job. She never thought anything could be this perfect, after all nothing ever is perfect. She certainly felt she had come as close to perfect as she could.

Her morning would pass uneventfully. She would be on the phone to the business’s accountants, preparing spreadsheets showing the employee’s hours and pay. She would sit in meetings and discuss the financial runnings of the company. Chrissy would then roll down the hall to the lift and make her way to the staff room where she would have her lunch. She loved this time. It was when she could really interact with people. When she first started working here conversations would come easy, considering she was in a wheelchair. Chrissy knew that she would have found it much harder to make friends if she didn’t have her wheelchair. Sure some people had called it a crutch, but she felt it was a necessary part of who she was, it wasn’t just a security blanket to her, it was a part of her, and if she had tried to throw it away it would have felt like a part of her was gone.

Chrissy would then wander back upstairs to her office and work through the afternoon until it was time to go home. Every now and then when she went home she would stop at the supermarket, or maybe see a friend. One thing was for sure, she would get home very satisfied with her life, and looking forward to the new day. She knew that that one decision she had made half a year ago could have broken her and had been the worst decision in her life. After all not all wannabes are prepared enough mentally or physically to actually grasp their dream, but Chrissy knew she was.

Part Two

Chrissy had been in Christchurch at Burwood hospital for a few weeks now and was declared “ready to start rehab”.  Of course if you were just watching Chrissy you wouldn’t think much was happening.  For Chrissy rehab meant getting used to sitting up again.  Staying horizontal for so long meant every time she went to sit up she would feel really sick, like she was going to throw up.  Chrissy thanked herself that she had not gone for a higher “injury” as it would have meant she would have had to have learned how to balance and actually sit up all over again.  Chrissy was at the point now where she could sit up for an hour before she had to lay back down again.

Chrissy had always insisted that hospitalization and rehab was an important part of needing an sci.  After all, it wasn’t exactly fair that someone who hadn’t wanted this had to go through all of this.  Besides, there were too many risks involved with not getting medical attention, after all she had injected something into her spine which could have made her much sicker than what she was.  Even now, despite how sick she was starting to feel, she did not regret her decisions in life.  As Chrissy was thinking about all of this she suddenly had to lurch over the side of her bed and vomit into the container on her bedside cabinet.  As she wiped her mouth clean again her physical therapist came in to do her daily exercises.

“Hi Chrissy, you ready for today?” Rose asked.

Rose then lowered the head of the bed back down again and proceeded with stretching and moving Chrissy’s legs.  As she did this, Rose and Chrissy started chatting about various things.  The cute guys in the unit…things they wanted to do…cars…you name it they would talk about it.  Rose came as close to a good friend to Chrissy as she could considering she was her physical therapist.  They couldn’t do much while Chrissy was stuck in bed, as soon as they got her into a wheelchair she would be much more active in her physical therapy.  Secretly Chrissy was really looking forward to getting into a wheelchair, and more importantly, she was looking forward to finding out what chair they would give her.

Chrissy couldn’t believe how quickly her legs had deteriorated.  Chrissy knew it was a major misconception that paraplegics have severely atrophied legs.  Muscle spasms generally keep the legs well toned, but Chrissy could still see a noticeable reduction in the size of her legs.  Chrissy was thankful that she wasn’t going through this blindly, everyone is different, but she still had a general idea of what happens after helping David achieve his needs.  David had kept a well detailed diary while in rehab and Chrissy read it cover to cover as soon as he had gotten back.  Chrissy was so torn that he had discovered his dream and she was still waiting, but now all the waiting was worth it.

“Did you know you’re going to get to try out a wheelchair tomorrow?” Rose asked.  Chrissy was jolted out of her thoughts and had to have Rose repeat what she said.  Chrissy replied saying that she was looking forward to the chance to get out of this room but wasn’t sure how she would go sitting upright like that yet.

“Well the way you’re going you should be ready to sit in a chair tomorrow, and I completely understand you wanting to get out of this room.  If I were you I’d be going nuts by now.”  Chrissy had never thought about the entire ordeal in that light, and she didn’t want to.  She didn’t want to start hating her condition, not after the sacrifices she had made.  Chrissy was simply looking forward to rejoining society as a genuine paraplegic, maybe going to university, starting fresh.  Chrissy was thankful she hadn’t decided to do this before she had done it.  The explanations would have been too hard.  Now that Chrissy had something in the near future to look forward to she would try her hardest to get there as well as she could.

Rose stayed for a little longer and they talked more and then left Chrissy to her own demise.  Chrissy was still feeling a little sick from her morning of sitting up in bed.  Never would she take such simple things for granted again.  Not that she ever did.  Even before she had spent most of her days thinking about wheelchairs she knew that she was lucky for the things she was able to do.  Chrissy had spent a week or so at a rest home as a volunteer in the hopes of getting a job.  After doing everything for the residents that she would have taken for granted she knew she never wanted to get to such a position…or at least permanently.  In the state she was in at the moment she couldn’t even depend on her body for the easiest of functions like going to the toilet, or washing herself.  Every day a nurse would come in and give her a bed bath, push a suppository up her bottom to force a bowel movement, and catheterise her.  Being a paraplegic certainly wasn’t glamorous.  Chrissy certainly got a lot of time lying in bed to think about it as well.

Unfortunately this day wasn’t an eventful day and Chrissy was still lying in bed when dinner time came round.  Chrissy could hear two of the nurses wheeling the cart full of trays through the hallway.  She heard it stop just outside her door and then the rattling as the nurse removed the tray from the rack.  She placed the tray on the table and positioned it over Chrissy’s bed.  Using the remote control, Chrissy raised herself into a sitting position and pulled the table closer to herself.  On the tray to eat was mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables and meatloaf.  Hospital food is never as nice as outside food, but at least Chrissy didn’t have to think about cooking.

The next day Chrissy awoke with excited anticipation.  Today was the day she got to sit in a wheelchair!  Of course it would not be a very good wheelchair.  It would just be a cheap hospital chair, Chrissy, her Occupational Therapist, and Seating and Positioning expert would have to order her the chair she would use.  Chrissy knew she was not going to get a decent chair in terms of model.  The downside to getting her sci through “disease” rather than “accident” meant that funding was not as good.  In New Zealand if you had a degenerative problem rather than an accident the only rigid wheelchairs provided were Invacare A4 and Quickie GPV.  It was simply a matter of deciding which one was best for her.

Rose wheeled in a wheelchair with another lady standing next to her.

“Chrissy, this is Marsha.  She is your Occupational Therapist and she will be helping decide what wheelchair you eventually get”

“Hi Marsha”

“Hi Chrissy, you ready to go?”

With that Rose lowered the bed height to as low as it would go.  Marsha positioned the wheelchair next to the bed and they placed a transfer board between the chair and the bed.  Rose then instructed Chrissy to place one hand as far under her bum as she could, and the other hand on the seat of the wheelchair.  Rose stood in front of her with her arms under Chrissy’s armpits, and Marsha stood behind her.  With both their support Chrissy slowly, painfully made her way across the board into the wheelchair.  All the while Chrissy thought back to how easily, quickly she would transfer when she was pretending, totally oblivious to how hard it is for a new para to transfer.  Transferring would get easier as she practised, but Chrissy had spent a considerable amount of time in bed, and her arms weren’t very strong.  They certainly weren’t used to carrying her body weight.

With Rose’s help Chrissy moved the footrests back into position and steadied herself in the chair.  She then carefully made her first push in a wheelchair as a paraplegic.  The feeling was indescribable.  Her tool for independence was now truly a tool for independence.  It kind of felt like she was floating since she could not feel her hips, or legs.  She knew her legs were there, but it was like knowing Rose’s legs were there, unless Chrissy was looking and touching her legs, them being there didn’t mean anything to her.  Slowly, carefully, Chrissy made her way to the gym.  Rose and Marsha were watching her like mother hens.  Chrissy insisted on doing it herself.  She knew it would make her exhausted by the end, but it was something she felt she needed to do.

Once in the gym, Rose and Marsha helped Chrissy onto the floor, where Rose helped Chrissy with her leg exercises.  To make matters more interesting, Rose then moved Chrissy to a weights machine were she did a few very light periods of weight lifting.  The weight would increase as Chrissy gained strength.  This would help her immensely when she ultimately had to face the outside world on her own.

All of this tired Chrissy so much she only managed to wheel half of the way back to her room.  Chrissy tried to put effort into transferring back into bed but Rose and Marsha did most of the work.  Chrissy didn’t even spend time thinking about her day’s experiences, nor have anything to eat.  Chrissy drifted straight off to sleep.

Part Three

Chrissy spent the next week going through the same routine.  By the end of the week she was ready for something new, but she knew that if she rushed it too much she wouldn’t be able get everything she wanted out of rehab.  Her day started out with a nurse bringing in her breakfast.  Chrissy had always been a cornflakes girl and always enjoyed tucking into it.  Her first thing for the day was always to find out what sort of fruit they had put on her cornflakes, her favourite was strawberries but they didn’t come as often as bananas or apples.  After downing a glass of orange juice the nurse would return to assist Chrissy with her bladder and bowel.  Chrissy was at the point now where she was learning how to cath herself.  The nurse would position a hand mirror over her genitals as Chrissy carefully felt where she had to put the tube.  Occasionally she would aim wrong and the nurse would have to guide her hand.  The more practise she got, the more efficient she was at finding the right hole.  She would then push the catheter up her urethra into her bladder and watch the urine drain into the bag hanging from the bed.  Co-ordinating her bowel was a bit more of a challenge.  Chrissy hadn’t started to learn how to do this herself yet as the medical staff were still evaluating her patterns.  The first step the nurse would take was digital stimulation.  She would stick her gloved finger up Chrissy’s bottom and move it round in circles trying to encourage the faeces to come out.  If this didn’t work a small suppository was inserted and this generally did the job.  The biggest thing Chrissy hated right now was the lack of privacy in her life, and the things she had continued to take for granted, while she was ab, really bugged her.  She looked forward to the day she could do all of this on her own without a nurse, or a doctor, or a urologist looking at her privates.

After all this was done and she was dressed, Chrissy would transfer to her ugly folding chair and wheel to physical therapy where Rose would start stretching out Chrissy’s legs.  They were mundane stretches that most people would take for granted.  Rose would flex and bend ever muscle and joint in her legs and hips to ensure Chrissy’s legs maintained some tone.  After a series of light weight lifting, and exercises Chrissy would wearily roll back to her room for lunch and another cath.  PT certainly didn’t take as long now as it used to, and the more days passed Chrissy found her self less exhausted afterwards.

Her afternoons were generally taken up with visitors, watching tv, or playing cards and talking with the other patients and staff.  Chrissy was certainly never bored and the staff often encouraged her to do activities that would help with her stamina and upper body strength.  Every two hours Chrissy would raise her body off the seat of her wheelchair to relieve the pressure on her bottom.  After several long minutes she would lower herself back onto the cushion.  Chrissy’s cushion was one of the first things her seating and positioning expert arranged for her.  Chrissy didn’t know much at this stage, all she knew was that her cushion was called a Roho Nexus cushion and that it did a good job.  Chrissy would then roll back to her room again for tea and another cath.  She would then settle down in bed and watch her nightly soaps on the television and drift off to sleep.

As Chrissy was becoming comfortable in this routine Marsha and her seating and positioning expert, Frank, came to see her.  Their subject was what wheelchair Chrissy would get.  They ultimately decided on a Quickie GPV after evaluating the pros and cons with both that chair and the Invacare A4.  They then set about measuring Chrissy for the order form.  Her lower leg length, upper leg length width, and back height.  Chrissy already knew a good deal about wheelchairs but she couldn’t let on to Marsha and Frank that she did.  To hide this fact she spent some time on the unit’s computers “researching wheelchair options”.  When Marsha and Frank were filling out the order form for her new chair Chrissy was able to make some requests.

“Umm Marsha?”

“Yes Chrissy?”

“I’ve been doing some reading on the internet and have found a good deal of information about setting up a new wheelchair.  I know that I’m ultimately meant to check it with you but is it possible for me to have a few things with this chair?  I read on the internet that having 26” wheels instead of 24” wheels makes pushing a lot easier and faster.  I also read that having more camber on your chair makes you more stable and you turn faster.  I also learned that having 3” casters makes you turn better as well. I also found out that there are light up casters.  I thought they looked pretty cool.  I also saw on the Quickie website that you can have a front angle of 85° to make you more compact and manoeuvrable.”

Frank answered, “Well we normally try to make a person’s first chair as basic as possible so they can learn about it before they get another one.  It looks like you have done enough reading into it and have really put in the effort so I don’t see why we can’t order your chair with these features. We might even be able to order those spinergy wheels I saw you looking at the other day.”  Frank grinned at the excited young lady before him, “I understand that as a young adult your independence is important, as well as your image, I don’t see these options affecting your health in any way.”

After this long, exciting meeting Chrissy was overcome with anticipation.  She simply did not know how she could wait for her brand new metallic blue GPV to arrive.  It would take at least six weeks, maybe longer, considering that the chair will probably be made in the US.  Chrissy figured maybe one day she could have enough money saved up to buy a different model of chair that she would prefer, but she had never had a new chair before so this was enough of a thrill.  Chrissy was more excited over the fact that she would easily fit into a 16×16 chair.  Her weight had always been an issue before becoming paralyzed, and Chrissy was quite content with the weight she had lost from all the hard work she does in rehab.

She carried on with her routine that day with a sense of excitement that she could not quell.  Chrissy was beginning to lead that perfect life that she had always felt she needed and knew she would never ever regret her decision.