The Change

Chapter One

It is the beginning of my second month living full time as a female. I am becoming more adept in my new life every day. Getting the job really helped. Oh I am a much better machinist than I am a cashier, and machinist pay is a lot better, but I am adjusting and I can be whom I want to be now. I still have money earned as a man to use for my surgery and to take me to school to become a CAD designer. With the CAD under my belt – make that my waist cincher – my income earning ability will come back. Yep I have it all figured out. This is going to work and I will never, never look back. I can’t wait to become a “real” girl. Of course I know surgery will not make me a woman as if I were born a woman, just give me the appearance.

The light turns green and I have to think about driving again. I missed last week’s appointment With Dr. Ellis so this weeks will be a big deal. He said he may have a special program that I could qualify for and he will get the details for me. I hope that this is not some new “cure” for transsexuality. I don’t want to be cured; I want to be a woman. I’ve already missed growing up female, my teen years, my life as a young woman, if I don’t go ahead and do this soon I will miss middle age too. Nobody wants to be an “old Lady” or an old man either. Whoops! Now I’ve missed my turn. Maybe my real problem is senility.

I’m lucky today. I got a parking space near the entrance. That’s important because I am not all that comfortable in heels yet. I guess I need to lose a bit more weight. OK Open the door, turn in the seat, both feet down, you’re in a skirt now so keep your knees together.

Remember short steps and one foot in front of the other, not side to side like I used to do it. Legs swing with the hips. This is all getting more natural. You would think that a woman by choice would not have to train herself, but I do. I denied my female nature completely for so long that the only part of it I had left was the pain of living the lie of my outward appearance of a man.

I notice a man looking me over – I can tell by his face that he approves, probably finds me attractive. I really, really need my surgery. “Good morning” I say as he opens the door for me.

“Good morning” he says as I go through.

Now be careful of your voice I remind myself before saying “Thank you” and he goes off down the hall and I go to the elevator.

He can’t possibly imagine how much such a simple exchange means to me. It means that I am becoming the woman I was meant to be. Just the elevator ride to the fourth floor is a special experience because I am out and about and touching people and being accepted as a woman. Touching is important. Hugging and making love would be better but touching is good. The elevator stops and the door opens. Now I need to remember short steps to Dr. Ellis office, be a lady.

No pen at the sign in sheet. No problem I carry a purse now, I have two pens in it. I never had a pen when I was a man. Of course I never had bra wires digging in me either. I don’t think I will ever get used to that. When I get my implants they should probably be smaller than the D cup I am wearing now. Since I am a woman now I can read woman’s magazines in waiting rooms, this is another real improvement. I always liked woman’s magazines but felt like a weirdo reading them in public.

“Cynthia Martin” – is my new name. It’s not on my driver’s license yet but it sounds good when DR. Ellis assistant uses it to call me in.

“The doctor will be with you shortly”—”Love the shoes” she says.

“Thank you. I just got them Saturday” I reply. Wow girl talk with another girl, that’s kind of neat.

“Hi Cindy, have a seat” I recognized Dr. Ellis voice behind me.

I have to remind myself to sit properly. Knees together, legs crossed at the ankles, hands one on top of the other on my lap.

“Hello Doctor” I say in my best voice. “Sorry I missed last week, I promise I will keep the rest of my appointments”

Dr. Ellis seems even more serious than usual when he begins to speak. “That’s OK Cindy. These sessions have been going very well for the last year. So let me just get to the point. I am convinced that you are a candidate for a new procedure. It is experimental so the risk is not established. This means that as far as you are concerned the risk is high.”

That kind of gets my head buzzing. So I have to interrupt “Why is this for me?”

The good doctor continues “Let me finish, actually you need to tell me if it is for you”.

“The university has been doing research for more than a dozen years on the possibility of a brain transplant. At first I don’t think it was even serious, just a way to get government money. Then about nine years ago a student made a discovery. He found that nerve cells could be affected by electrical impulses and set like switches. Then he found that with exactly the right voltage and in the presence of the right fluids, it is really a mixture of hormones and salt water, one nerve cell will connect with another. It then took a team of over a hundred researchers to figure out how to connect one specific nerve cell to another. With this technique in place it works like a computer. We can’t transplant a whole brain but we can transplant enough, and then reprogram the rest so that in effect your consciousness, your being as you know it can be transferred to another body. This is the kind of medical breakthrough that will separate the twenty-first century from the twentieth. Kind of like vaccines and penicillin were a very long time ago”.

My mouth just dropped, I forgot how I am sitting, and in my old voice I find myself saying “Oh my God. That’s the stuff of monster movies. I really think having my balls cut off is about as much as I can handle”

“Don’t be so fast to dismiss this” Dr. Ellis interrupted “it has been successful in dozens of animals and two human patients.”

I have to ask, still in shock. “Who are the people and where are they?”

DR Ellis, seeming to be a bit agitated, changes the subject and mostly for my own good says “First and foremost if you are going to be a woman, you always have to be a woman. Come back to your female role so that we can continue this. Even if you have an accident and are hurt your first concern is to maintain femininity. You cannot proceed along this path until you are one hundred and ten percent girl. I will not approve the surgery.”

“Sorry about that” I say now remembering my posture and voice.

“That’s better. The process is actually less difficult than gender surgery. First we trace what is in your head electronically and store it in a computer. We find where your motor functions and bodily functions are. The part of the brain that is to be transplanted is located and mapped. In the actual surgery only a small portion of the brain is removed. It is then placed in the new host skull. We use the reprogramming ability of nerve cells to make the required connections in the new host. You will actually be downloaded off a computer disk. Millions of contacts are required, only a computer can do it.”

I need to ask “What happens to the other person?”

“She becomes you”

Remembering that I am a woman this time “Oh my God” Neither of us says anything for a few moments. Then I have to say “Is this for real? Or is this some kind of a psychological test?”

“It’s for real. It has been done. The same basic technique has corrected four spinal cord injury victims and a brain transplant has been done between two men.”

“Can I meet the people that had the brain transplant before I decide?”

“No. They were both advanced cancer patients that volunteered. We know it worked but they were both only hours from death when it was done. You and Joanna will be the first healthy people”

“Who is Joanna?” I say while being very careful to maintain femininity.

“Joanna is whom you will become. She will become you. You will be as biologically complete as a born woman, she will become a biologically complete man, as you both want”

“Oh my God” I am getting very good at “oh my God” in my feminine voice. “OK so if I do this what do I look like? What is my life like? Where do I live? This is kind of beyond anything.”

Dr. Ellis finally changes his expression to something more friendly and less professional and continues. “It is more than you think. First Joanna is eleven years old and she has a few problems.”

“Eleven! And what problems?”

“First and worst the family situation is bad. That is the justification for transplanting with an adult. She also has the scoliosis condition from hell.”

I, staying in the feminine role, volunteer “I knew a girl in High School that had scoliosis. It was a problem for her because she had to wear a brace but she did pretty well. She got out of swimming class, other than that she did everything that the rest of us did. She was in a school play. I dated her once in the eleventh grade but she didn’t like me. I think I can probably live with the brace but I don’t know if I can handle sixth grade again. This will take a little thought.”

“Your getting way ahead of yourself here” Dr. Ellis says. “First consider the family situation. At eleven years old you are subject to the rule and conditions set by the mother. The father was killed in prison. The mother is a recovering alcoholic. She has had it very hard. She was raped and pregnant at thirteen, gave birth at fourteen. She works as a waitress by day and cleans offices in the evening. This woman lives in a world that you never thought of. You will be part of that world. These people came to the university’s attention because the court sent them to our psychology department after Joanna’s suicide attempt.”

“Suicide at eleven?

“No, suicide at ten. She is eleven now” DR Ellis continues “These are good people. The mother was born into poverty, alcoholism, and deformity. She never had a chance. The only thing she had going for her was that she was quite good looking. The scoliosis took that away from her. She wasn’t treated for it until she became pregnant. She still has a serious curvature. However we, the committee on transplants, think mother and daughter can have a good future. The daughter’s gender identity problem is profound so it gave us the opportunity to put both of them in a well funded, experimental program where we can do a few people some real good and demonstrate a major advance at the same time.”

“But Joanna is a child. I am nearly forty. This doesn’t work very well for either of us”

“She is nearly twelve and we have a long way to go here. The stakes are enormous for everyone involved. The whole university is at risk if this goes wrong. If it goes right, it is Nobel prizes and research grant money that can be used to begin some wonderful projects. Your selection hasn’t been taken lightly. If you do not agree to participate we do have other candidates”

We both just look at each other for a moment then Dr. Ellis continues. “If you have a conventional sexual reassignment procedure you will have only your own resources to rely on. If you agree to the new procedure you will be in the hands of a team of more than twenty people supported by federal, private, and corporate grant money. The operation will not cost you anything.”

“When I get out of surgery I will be in sixth grade again, I will have a medical problem that I don’t have now, and I will be living as a child. What’s the mother? Twenty-five maybe? I am thirty-nine. That’s fourteen years older than my mother. It just can’t be.”

“Oh there is a lot involved here” DR Ellis looking very concerned says. “The mother has had extensive counseling and will have more as we get farther along. She is starting a new job with the university that will help her quite a lot. She hates the gender identity thing and desperately wants a daughter that is really a girl and she hasn’t had a drink in twenty months. I don’t think she is ever going to have another. Oh and with her lifestyle and her smoking habit she looks more like she is fifty.

The scoliosis problem is worse than you have seen before. Scoliosis is at least partially hereditary. Both mother and father are affected in Joanna’s case. She is in a body cast and is very restricted by it. Her problem, that will be your problem, is severe and has a lot of history. She was put in a body cast at eighteen months for spinal curvature. At four she had surgery, and then graduated to a brace. When she was eight a special brace was made for her that had a halo to provide traction. A year later one of the pins caused an infection and she almost died. She was hospitalized and on an antibiotic drip for five weeks. She is in a turn buckle body cast now and that is how you will wake up after surgery.”

I must say “Well I don’t know how I can turn this down, my chance to be an eleven year old pathetic wretch. Is there any good part?”

“It will be very good for you when the cast comes off. The other heredity involved is good. The mother is very attractive, and built. The daughter looks just like her. After the growing pains are completed you will be a real fox. Oh yes, you get to live twenty years of your life again. Nobody ever did that before. Remember you will be a complete female, everything absolutely natural, you can have babies if you want, you won’t need hormones.”

“When does the cast come off? And ooh, when do I meet her?” I say as my head is still spinning. I can’t help thinking that this may be the way for me but I don’t want to say so yet, or even admit it to myself. “What happens to my dog?”

“The dog goes with you, to your new life. Realize an eleven year old doesn’t drive a car or own a house. You will have to liquidate and turn it all into cash so you can put it in a trust until you are twenty-one years old. That way no one can take it away from you.

The cast comes off when growth slows down, probably at age fourteen or fifteen, then you should graduate to the Milwaukee brace. You will wear the Milwaukee at least until you are eighteen years old. X-rays and testing will determine the time bracing is needed. You may still require surgery for the installation of what is called a Harrington Rod but we are going to try to avoid that. You may always need bracing at some level. There are all kinds of braces that can be used, depending on the situation.

You can’t meet her. We decided that in committee Monday. Joanna can’t meet you either. It’s better that way. No one gets to pick and choose how they look. This is take it or leave it on the merit of the process. I can tell you this, once grown you will hold your own in any crowd of women that you are ever likely to see.”

“I just can’t get over the feeling that this isn’t real doctor.” I don’t know if I said it to him or to myself. “I don’t want to become a celebrity over this; I just want to be a whole person. Does all this history making stuff put me in the tabloids?”

“That is one of the things that could go wrong. I think the new Joanna should be at least eighteen before any public announcement is made.”

“Doctor. I think I understand why I can’t meet her but if I do this I am committing to wearing casts and braces for years to come. Can I try wearing a cast first? Can I at least try a brace?”

Doctor Ellis nods in agreement and says. “Well perhaps I can put you in a Milwaukee brace. They need to put you in a cast for a few hours before they can make the brace for you. You know you will have to pay for it, their is no medical necessity and you have not entered the program yet. If you can’t stand the brace it would be better to know now. Once the transplant is done their is no turning back.”

“Doctor, I think it would be a good idea. I am interested in the transplant but I need to know as much as I can first. The bracing is an important part of it. Maureen, the girl I knew in high school seemed well adjusted to the brace but she always said she hated being in it.”

“Cindy our session time is over now. I can send you to the orthopedic shop on the fifth floor to get you started on the brace. It would be good to have you wearing it as soon as possible. You will feel like we are working our way into the program. I will call them as soon as we are done. You may be wearing the brace for our next session.”

“Thank you doctor” I say with a bit of hesitation. ” I think .”

“See you next week Cindy”

This sure changes things. I really don’t know what to do now.

While I’m out in public I better keep my mind on what I am doing. First be a lady. Well, I better go through with what I said I would do and go to the orthopedic shop. The up elevator arrow flashes and the door opens. A short ride up to the fifth floor and I hope I can find the shop.

That was easy. The whole fifth floor is the ortho shop. They have a sign in sheet too, that makes it easy I don’t need to introduce myself and explain my situation to them. I always feel like what I am really saying is “Hi, I’m a weirdo” I think it is better if Dr. Ellis does that for me.

“Cynthia Martin” my name is called after about an hour wait. “we can see you now” and an unusually attractive nurse is gesturing toward me to come in. From what I can see I am walking into another waiting room. I am handed papers to fill out and I sit down at a small table to do them. Now I wait some more, I guess this is what happens when you do things without an appointment.

The nurse, without a name, sits down with me and says “Cynthia, Dr. Ellis called me about you. I can’t get you in now but I can in the morning. If you are here by eight o’clock I will get you started.”

“Who do I ask for?”

“Me”

“Me who?”

“Oh I’m sorry, I forgot my name tag today. I’m Sharon”

“OK Sharon”

“Sorry I’m so busy now Cynthia, tomorrow you should wear loose, comfortable clothing and penny loafers that are in good condition would be perfect for you”

“Thank you Sharon. I’ll be here bright and early”.

So I go out to my car, This has been quite a morning. I knew Dr. Ellis was connected with the university, his office is in the university’s clinic building, but I had no idea about anything like this. I certainly want to complete the gender reassignment process but to trade bodies with an eleven year old – that’s amazing. Can it even be legal? As part of it I have a severe deformity and need to wear a body cast for years and then back braces, maybe forever. Maybe another surgery too. I’m going to have a lot on my mind for a while. Come on Cynthia quit day dreaming and get it in gear, you still have time for a salad and a little shopping before work.

Chapter Two

It was a bad night, it’s not enough that I have to think about all that had happened, it thunder-stormed too. Boy is Bozo, my dog, in for a surprise if I go through with this. Bozo has no trouble with me wearing dresses, but a whole new body, that might throw him a bit. Maybe I should make him into a girl too – that would be a little surprise for him.

Well, it’s five thirty, time to roll out of bed, let Bozo out, and go paint the Mona Lisa – or perhaps just put my make up on. Bozo’s the only creature in the world that can see me as a man. That’s Dr. Ellis orders. Soon that will be easier because I will be a woman or at least a girl if I can go through with this. A nights sleep, even a bad nights sleep makes a big difference, this idea, the transplant, doesn’t seem as bad or as unreal as it did yesterday.

Oh boy. Need comfortable clothes. My red skirt is pretty good, elastic waist, kind of loose. I can wear my big blue top with the floppy collar, that will be good. Do I dare go without the waist cincher? Why not? it will be OK. A lot of women have big waists, I can too. My penny loafers are new, I thought they would be hard to find but they were easy. Found them at Carson’s at the mall before I went to work yesterday. These shoes really are comfortable. I haven’t worn comfortable shoes in two months.

Check myself in the mirror. Looks good, feels good. Time for that long drive into the city. My bra makes itself known with it’s first poke of the day as I sit down in the car.

Wow! Do I really want to be another person? An eleven year old? in a cast? I don’t even know what I will look like. I like the name “Cynthia” a lot better than “Joanna” I’m certain of at least that much.

I remember that Maureen said that she really hated the brace but it never seemed to bother her much except when she sneezed or something, I think it hurt her then. Well, I will know about that part soon enough. When I am eleven years old I will have to get around without my car. I haven’t ridden a bicycle in better than twenty years. I will be in a body cast too, probably won’t be able to ride a bicycle. Oh sure I will. Maureen rode a bike in her brace! Has to be about the same thing. I need to ask what color my eyes will be. I don’t even know who to ask. Dr. Ellis I guess. God, are you listening? Their sure is a lot too this, why couldn’t you just make me a girl in the first place?

I need to make a list of questions for next session with Dr. Ellis, I just can’t remember everything when I need it. It’s all important too. I suppose, what I should do is just damn the torpedoes, and full speed ahead. If Joanna can be an eleven year old, I can be an eleven year old. I think the age thing really bothers me. Sure I get to live almost thirty years over again, but then do I go senile at forty and drool in my Cheerio’s for the next forty years? Nobody knows what their future really is. I need to take it day by day as it is given.

I made better time than I thought I would. Got a bad parking space today, I guess all the employees are coming in for the morning at eight o’clock. I’m in penny loafers today so the extra walk will be OK. The elevator is full of people, it stops at every floor. I think some guy felt up my bottom. I don’t really like it. I always thought the girls liked that sort of thing. Hope I am going to be normal. Add that to the Ellis questions note.

“Cynthia Martin” I am called into the second waiting room again. “Hi I am David Prost. Sharon wants me to go over a few things with you”

“OK David Prost”. If I don’t say their names right away I forget them. “what do we need?”

“First you need to know the cost of the brace. Your medical will not cover it, I already checked, and it will be a little better than fourteen hundred dollars. If you are going to back out of this, now is the time to do it.”

“No, I need to do this”. Again I don’t know if I am trying to convince him or me.

“Dr. Ellis said that we need to do something a bit unusual for you. It is normal to make a cast of the patient as a mold for the brace. He wants us to make a second cast for you to wear until the brace is ready. Is that all right with you?”

“How long will it take to make the brace?” I ask.

“About three weeks, but Dr. Ellis wants you in the cast for six weeks before you get your brace”

I hadn’t thought of that. I don’t know if I can face six weeks in a body cast. so I say “can I think about this for a few days?”

“Oh I think Dr. Ellis wants this right away”

“It has to be OK then. I guess”

“Good, sign your life away here, and I will take you to see Sharon. Make a stop at the little room with the great bubbling crock in it. Sharon wants you on “E” before we start this.”

“Great bubbling crock?”

“Politically correct for the crapper sweetie” David informs me.

Business taken care of, David leads me down a short hall and into another room. He then instructs me to disrobe and wait for Sharon.

“Good morning Miss Martin” Sharon says cheerily after only about a five minute wait. “First I need for you to put on this stockinette” she says as she hands me what looks like a gauze tube. “Just slip it over your head, Very good” she makes that sound like dog training. She pulls and tucks the stockinette in it’s place, roughly from my eyebrows to my mid thighs, cuts holes for my arms and then says “now I am going to hang you”

“Oh I can hardly wait for this” I say just as sarcastically as I can.

“It’s not that bad. Just step over here to the rack”

“Rack?”

“Sure honey, welcome to the world of Scoliosis. You don’t even have it yet but Joanna sure does. You wanted to see what you are in for didn’t you? Actually this is probably the worst part of it and it will be over as soon as the plaster sets up enough.” Sharon continues with her instructions. “OK that’s good. Turn around. Good. Slip your feet into the stirrups please.”

I was wondering what those were for. This is quite a contraption. As soon as my feet are set she ties them into the stirrups with eight Velcro straps. “I wasn’t really planning to run away.”

“Now I know you won’t. I haven’t lost one since I started tying them up first” she said, sounding just a bit too pleased to be doing this. “This is a head halter.” She brought another device out of a drawer. “Hold this part under your chin for me please” She strapped another part under the back of my head and buckled them tightly together. “Now we get to the serious part.” The head halter started pulling my head up. “Don’t fight it honey. Just relax. It’s OK not much more.”

“This hurts”

“Don’t try to talk. You need to trust me on this, it is not really going to be all that bad”

Nobody told me about this. I think she is trying to lift me by my head.

“Oh damn” I said objecting to the pain.

“Don’t talk. We can talk a lot when you are released. Their! That’s it, sixty pounds of traction. Like I told you, RACK, I learned to do this back in my sixth life during the Spanish Inquisition.”

“Oh my g”

“Don’t talk!. Don’t move your head, it will just make it worse for you”

I think that’s probably just what she said during the Inquisition too. I can’t really talk anyway.

“Now raise your right arm. – Other right. That’s good. I am going to put a cuff on it so I can apply light traction.” Now I feel that pulling too but not nearly as much. “Good. Now your first right. – OK Thank you. Just relax. Let the weights hold you, don’t try to move and don’t stiffen up either. I am going to let you adjust to the traction for a few minutes then I will come back and apply the cast. Don’t run off honey.”

Maureen must have gone through this. Poor Maureen, God I used to tease her about wearing the brace. I called her “back brace girl,” everybody did. She never told us about this. I don’t think I would have believed it if she did. I guess I deserve this. No, I don’t, I haven’t committed that many sins yet. What I should do is stop this process right now and go the conventional route to reassignment.

“OK Cynthia” Sharon comes bursting in sounding like she is conducting an exercise class. “Now for the messy part” She opens the cupboard door and produces a bucket. “We have here an ordinary bucket, I am filling it with ordinary hot water” as she puts it in the sink and turns the water on. “Notice, hot on the left just like it is supposed to be. It wasn’t like that when this place was new, it drove me banana’s.” If I could talk I couldn’t argue with that, something shure as hell drove her banana’s. She unwrapped a roll of plaster bandage dipped it in the bucket and squeezed it out. “Now for the magic. This will feel a little warm, I am starting just below your butt. – I wrap it around, and around, and around and Viola! it will turn into rock. Not rock and roll mind you but real rock, like stone”

She must be on drugs. It is very, very tight. It feels tighter as she gets more plaster bandage and works her way up. “Don’t talk, that’s what I am for, don’t move, just relax, it is going to feel tight, it’s supposed to be. It’s already starting to harden. You will be off the rack soon, you should know it’s really called a traction frame I just call it the rack to scare you. I usually do this for children, it’s God awful for them I wish I had a better way.”

Sharon just keeps working and chattering for about another twenty minutes until I am in plaster to just below my lips and ears. She won’t be able to remove the head halter she has sealed it in with everything else.

“OK we have a mummy” Sharon says as she stands back to admire her work. ” I just have to smooth it out now” and she rubs me all over with her hands. Problem number one with wearing a body cast, you can get a really good back rub, front rub too and not feel it, what a waste.

“I need to fold this down” She folds the stockinette down from my face. “and finish it out. OK now for the bottom. Done. That wasn’t so bad was it? Don’t talk, don’t move, don’t do anything for a while. It needs a few minutes to set up hard and I can let you out of the rack, then you can talk. But you still won’t be able to move. – See ya.”

With that she walked out the door. She forgot don’t breathe, I’m not doing well in that department either. I never had anything like this in my life. I am not going to do this. As soon as I can get loose I am going to call Dr. Ellis and put an end to this. I can’t spend years in a body cast I will go nuts. No wonder Joanna tried to commit suicide. This has to be horrible for a ten year old. If I get mixed up in this I don’t know what I will do.

After what seemed like forever Sharon came in again. “Had enough? Don’t talk, I am sure you have had enough. I had to tell David about your situation because I need him to help me get you out of this.” She opened the door and said “OK David you can come in now”

“I am going to release you now, first your arms, then head, remember your feet are still in the stirrups, David will hold you up while I release your feet. OK ready, left arm, right arm, I will relieve traction slowly on the head halter, don’t try to walk. Got her David? ”

“I feel dizzy, this thing is too tight, I can hardly breathe” I find it is still an effort to talk.

“That’s good, it means that I have done it right, David will support you while I cut the mold off”

They both worked, Sharon with a little electric saw, and David with some kind of a clipper to release me from the cast. David wrote my name on both halves with a marker. When they were done Sharon said “Cynthia. Why don’t you sit down for a while before we do the cast that you will wear”.

“I think I have had all the cast I need to say that I don’t want to do this anymore thank you”

Sharon sat down next to me and said. “I know this seems a bit rough, it is. But once we take you off the traction frame you, like most people, will probably adjust very well.” She took my hand and continued. “Look you can stay in the program if you don’t do this, but you will most likely give it up. That would be a big mistake for you. This is a chance that no one else ever had. You will become a lovely girl and then a beautiful woman. Joanna is going to be a knock out. I can tell you for sure that being beautiful is great, I love the way I look and you will too.

I reply “This is just getting to be too much.”

Sharon continues. “Look, I had some problems growing up too. I wore a Milwaukee brace from the time I was nine, until I was twenty. That is how I got into this business. It was disabling, uncomfortable, and ugly. I hated wearing it, but I was happy in it, I did most of what I wanted to do and I lived pretty well. I was in the brace for my birthday’s, my proms, when I started college, and when my husband proposed to me. It was all wonderful, even with the brace on. It will be for you too. After we were married I had quite a surprise when Jack, my husband, told me that the brace was a major turn on for him. Now I still wear it in private for him. It just isn’t all bad. It will be well worth the trouble for the new life that will be yours”

“This really is a remarkable thing isn’t it.”

“Yes, and important too, you will be part of a research project that has enormous implications. No one knows what the potential of this is. Spinal cord Injuries have already been repaired. We may be able to cure a lot of mental and nervous conditions, possibly reprogram criminals to be useful responsible members of society. Maybe correct Alzheimer’s victims and dozens of things no one has even thought of yet. If you don’t do this someone else will and they will be an important part of this effort.”

“Can you find a healthy twenty-five to forty-five year old to trade bodies with?”

“Their are compatibility problems. You and Joanna fit. You and our other potential candidates don’t. Someone else may show up tomorrow or never.

Never is more likely”

“Why are you so interested in this ?”

“I’m with the project. I am one of the spinal cord repairs. A truck rear ended my car six months ago and my neck was broken. Dr. Mahmood was their when I was brought in. I was in the right place at the right time and very lucky. I could not breathe on my own when I was brought in, I should have died, but I never even experienced a disability. I wore a simple neck brace for six weeks and I was done with it. That makes me a strong believer. When this process is ready for widespread use, what was done for me will be available to everybody.”

“Who is Dr. Mahmood ?”

Sharon explains. “When he was a medical student here he discovered that nerve cells could be modified by small electrical charges. He started all of this”

“Well for you – and Dr. Mahmood I am ready when you are”

Chapter Three

I have been in my “permanent” cast for four days now. It went on a lot easier than the mold did, This time I knew what to expect. It was the same procedure but with less traction, only thirty pounds. Still it is very tight and I can’t bend from my chin to my hips. I’ve learned not to try to turn my head, it won’t turn and hurts to try. The only shoes I can wear are the penny loafers. I can’t tie shoes or even think of navigating in heels. I can drive my car, but getting in and out of it is a real trip. It took several try’s before I could do it without David’s help.

When the cast finally set Sharon and David had to teach me to walk. Walking is difficult and stairs can be deadly in this thing because I can’t see my feet. I can’t even see the steps unless I am ten feet away from them. I may never ride an escalator again. The first time I sat down I thought I was going to strangle in this thing until Sharon got me to relax and not fight it. The only time it is at all comfortable is when I am standing. Sitting and laying down are difficult. I didn’t sleep until last night. I don’t think I really went to sleep, I just passed out.

My thoughts are dominated by new things. I don’t worry so much about my appearance and my voice. I think more about things like everything I am missing because I can’t turn my head, what I can and can’t do, chafing around my arms and my thighs, itching everywhere, and hot spots where things rub and pinch inside the cast. I am wearing my bra under the cast so Sharon could mold my breasts properly. After six weeks in this brassier I may not want the sex change surgery at all. Well, maybe I should just get a new bra, something without wires.

The first time I ate a meal in the cast I dribbled soup on myself. Not a big thing, but the soup that got down in the cast is going to be there for the next six weeks and I can’t do anything about it. I hope that it doesn’t get really nasty inside the cast. Thinking of nasty, this thing is going to be like wearing the same tee shirt for six weeks and never taking it off. I’m going to hate that part of it too.

Somehow, even while in the cast I still like sunsets, I enjoy my television shows, walking in the park, I still love – you know shopping, and I feel pretty good. Of course the thing that I am shopping for now is anything that will hide the cast. Anything that covers the damn thing looks good on me now. I just haven’t found anything that looks good enough that I want to buy it. But over all I think I am adjusting pretty well. I am going back to work Monday and I am getting around a lot better than I did on my first day. It’s not all that hard to live with but I am conscious of being in it all the time, if I could just forget I’m in a body cast for a little while I would be a lot better off.

Bozo has started to bark and run around crazily. That must mean that Sharon is here. She is including me in her “girls night out” tonight. We are going to Vladimere’s, the new bar across from the mall.

I wait for the door bell before opening the door, then open it. “Hi Sharon, oh my god, your wearing your brace”

“How do you like it ?”

“Looks good on you, this is a surprise. I mean the brace. Actually, everything looks good on you”

“Well thank you honey, it doesn’t bother me at all to wear it and I thought you would feel a little less self conscious if I did”

“Sharon, as always your right. I would have never thought of asking you to wear it but I’m glad you did. – Oh, come in won’t you? – Is anybody else coming with us?

“I’m going to pick up Rhonda Mayer, you may have met her, she works in the finance office. she hasn’t been at work for two days, but when I called her she said she is OK to come with us.” Sharon looks me over and says. “Good dress, sexy with the long skirt and side slit”

Trying to sound intelligent and worldly I reply. “Thank you, but I’m in a cast from my butt up to my ears, legs are all I’ve got, I need the side slit”

“Not really Cynthia, the hair is good too. But you know what? With that

long black dress – you do need heels”

I reply “Oh I don’t think I’m ready for that yet — but it would look good.”

“Come on don’t be a wus, try a pair.” She said while still looking me over carefully.

Changing the subject (as usual) I have to ask. “When do we need to get going?’ Right now with all the changes in my life I am a little short of friends so I don’t want to be any trouble for anyone.

“Oh Rhonda is always slow getting ready, we can take some time”

“I always did like my wood sandals with this dress but I can’t possibly bend over to do the ankle straps. I may not even be able to walk in them now, I mean with the cast”

Sharon volunteers. “Go get them and we can try. If you don’t try things you will never be able to do any more while you are in the cast. Six weeks can be a long time for you. I think it’s better to try wearing heels when you are not alone too. If you do fall or something I can help you and I can do the ankle straps for you. You know the very first time I wore high heels I was in the brace. This brace is just as rigid as your cast.”

I find my shoes in my closet. I don’t know about wearing them but the problem now is picking them up. They’re on the floor, I can’t even bend over to pick them up. The only thing I can think of is to bend up a hanger to pick up my shoes.

“OK Sharon, if you can put them on me, I can wear them.”

It feels good to have Sharon put the shoes on for me. “Too loose, go one hole tighter on the ankle strap. – That feels good”

“Well, stand up honey. Looks great. Now lets see if you can walk without falling on your face”

I stand up, take a few steps, it’s not bad at all. “I can do this. We are gonna knock em dead tonight.”

Sharon adds “Or scare them to death”

Thinking too much again, I ask. “Sharon. What does Jack think of this? I mean the night out, I don’t want to get you into anything.”

“He’s OK with it, but I have a curfew, I need to be home by two a.m.”

I interrupt “I’m going to run out of steam at about ten thirty”

Sharon continues “But good ol boy Billy Mayer, Rhonda’s hubby will probably show up at the bar. He pulled that one last time we did this. If Jack did that I’d have a cow, I go out like this only once or twice a year and I have never even looked at another man since we have been married.”

I am still walking and turning to see if I can get along in heels and the cast when Sharon calls out in a very uncharacteristically soft voice.

“Cynthia”

“Yes”

“You really OK with the shoes?” Sharon asks sounding very concerned.

“I think so. You know – look good, feel good. Real women wear high heels”

“Ha, Oh wow,” Sharon laughed “That’s good coming from you”

“Well I’m trying”

“Oh I am sorry” Sharon apologized. “That wasn’t very nice”

“That’s OK I’ve had an awful lot worse than that.” I said. “From people that were malicious about it.”

“Then we can go now. We can take my car. I know it’s still hard for you to drive.”

Getting in Sharon’s car is a real trip. It must be lower than mine. I have to move the seat all the way back, then I face away from the car and bend down and sit in the seat with my feet on the ground, not very lady like for sure. Then leaning forward just right I can turn into the car and not seriously injure my head on the door frame as I lift my feet up into the car. Once I am in the car I need the seat tilted back so far that I am looking at mostly headliner. I am not tall, only five, five, short for a man but OK for a girl. If I was taller I probably couldn’t get in this car at all.

“Where does Rhonda live?” I ask.

“Only a few blocks from here, she may have a friend with her too”

“Who”

“Chantel Bains. All I know is her name, I never met her”

We drove only a few minutes and stopped in front of a small nineteen sixties ranch style house. Only one light is visible from the road.

“Can you get out of the car or would you rather wait?” Sharon asked.

“Oh Il’l get out. This is really uncomfortable, standing up will be a blessing.”

We walk to the door with Sharon helping me up the steps – she must really be used to the brace. I hope I can adjust that well to mine when I get it. Sharon rings the bell. One of the ugliest doorbell sounds I ever heard, sounds more like a fart than a bell. Very quickly the door opens and an attractive, thirty something black girl appears at the door.

“Are we in the right place?’ Sharon asks.

“You looking for Rhonda?”

“Yes we are”

“Then your in the right place, I’m Chantel”. Chantel let us in and then volunteered. “Rhonda is picking up a baby sitter, She will be back soon”

Sharon said “I thought bill was taking care of the kids”

“That bum” Chantel said “Rhonda told him we are going out tonight two weeks ago. He decided he was going out about an hour ago and just left. Guess who has to find a sitter or stay home”

“They’re not getting along again?” asked Sharon.

“You seen the movie where the wife gets beat up and then kills the husband while he is sleeping?”

“I saw it” said Sharon

“Stick around here for a while and your gonna see it again. Only this time it’s going to be for real,” informed Chantel.

“Oh boy. Well I’m Sharon Gleason and this is Cynthia Martin”

“Chantel Bains, please come in. Should be about another ten minutes”

We walked into the moderate and rather messy house.

“Have a seat” said Chantel

“No thanks, just had one, I’d prefer to stand” I said.

Sharon sat down as Chantel asked looking toward me. “Stand up, In those shoes?”

“No. In this cast”

Sharon asked Chantel. “How do you know Rhonda”

“I’m her accountant”

“Rhonda has an accountant?” Sharon asked. “She works in the financial office. Just one of the girls”

“She needs an accountant. The job gets her away from the jerk that she married”

The door opens and Rhonda walks in. “Hello ladies, and you must be Cynthia”

“None other” I replied. I can’t help but notice that Rhonda is wearing wrist splints.

“Carpal tunnel” Sharon asked. I guess Sharon noticed too.

“Yep, I’m afraid so. I just got them yesterday. I have to wear them full time at least until I start therapy. They are helping with the pain. Besides I know Guys flock around you when you wear that damn brace. Maybe these things will get one or two to look at me. I’m so pissed at Billy that if I get the chance I may go home with one of them.”

“You should have come to me. I can always use the business”

“Sorry bout that. The doctor had them in a box and put them on me when he told me I had to have them. The examination was having needles stuck in my arms and then giving me electric shocks. I don’t want to argue with a man that’s torturing me, may just make it worse.”

“Probably so, I’m sorry your having Billy problems again”

“I’m not. I mean not sorry. This is the end this time. He went nutso Monday night and clobbered the baby. It’s not enough to just come after me anymore. He was practically a saint when the cops showed up so they didn’t take him in. We haven’t talked to each other since. I have an appointment with a lawyer next Tuesday. So what’s new with you? I see your wearing that brace again.”

“Oh this is so Cindy won’t feel so self conscious. She just got the cast.”

“Why don’t you admit Sharon. You enjoy wearing the brace, you put the thing on any time you can make up an excuse to wear it.” Rhonda continued. “It’s OK, your in the business, you have the worlds best husband, your pretty, everybody likes you, we can take one loose screw with the package.”

We all laugh, but I wonder if maybe their is some truth to it.

Rhonda shouts. “Gloria, if you need anything at all I am at Vladimer’s bar, I put the phone number on the fridge. Don’t try my pager I dropped it and it doesn’t work any more. If the kids wake up you can read to them. Bye – bye honey.”

Rhonda turns to Sharon and whispers. “Dropped it hell, it broke when Billy knocked me on my can Monday night.” In a little louder voice “We are not waiting for me now so we must be ready to go. Chantel, we can sit in the back. And Chanie, Cynthia got her body cast just last week watching her get in this car should be fun.”

Chantel said “Then we will have the decency not to watch unless we are helping her won’t we”.

“Thank you” I said. “It sure isn’t any fun for me”.

“That’s OK sweetie” Rhonda said. “It wasn’t any fun for me either when I had my spinal fusion surgery and wore one of those damn torture devices for eight months”

“What happened?” I asked.

“Billy pushed me down the porch steps. I thought it was an accident then. God was I stupid. I went through hell for that one, he did it because we were late for a party and It was my fault. Yep, I thought it was my fault that he pushed me too. I actually felt guilty. It has been eight years and my back still hurts from it every day. God!! was I stupid. Stupid, stupid Rhonda. You can call me that if you like because it’s true. Stupid, stupid Rhonda.”

“See I got in OK. But it was a little rough the first time. I guess as long as I am wearing this cast everybody gets to see my panty girdle when I get in a car. Oh and Rhonda, can you please forgive me if I forget the stupid, stupid part.”

We all laughed and Sharon got us on our way.

Chapter Four

The ride to Vladimere’s was miserable. Their is a wreck on the freeway and we were stuck in a major traffic jam for an hour and a half. Sharon seemed as comfortable as she could be – it must be wonderful to be that well adjusted to something as severe as a Milwaukee brace. We talked a bit and kind of got to know Chantel, of course I never met Rhonda before either.

It turns out that Rhonda writes children’s stories and does quite well with it, but she is really having bad problems in her marriage. She is consumed by the problems and has nothing good to say about her husband, Billy, or the institution of marriage. I know that every conflict has at least two sides, but Rhonda’s side is pretty convincing, at least when she talks about it. Billy is abusive, violent, and often drunk. He won’t accept any outside help, he just blames everything that is wrong in his world on Rhonda. She is getting desperate and may leave at any time. Her writing is suffering, her job is suffering, and most of all her children are suffering. Just a bad situation.

Chantel has a live in lover and that suits her just fine, she says she isn’t ready for commitment yet, she wants to devote most of her time to her accounting firm. She graduated from school and got her C.P.A. four years ago and the world is all coming together for her. It looks like Sharon is going to have Chantel do her books too, Sharon’s accountant is retiring in the spring.

We have been standing in the entry way for about twenty minutes so it is very good to hear the hostess call for the Gleason party.

Sharon is saying. “I was starting to think that they don’t want us in here.”

Chantel replies. “Come on girl, get real, four women in heels and skirts in a bar, – they would pay us to come here”

We all chuckle as we are escorted to our table by a hostess that could double as the bouncer, she is in heels and a skirt too but somehow manages to look more manly and stronger than I ever did. She probably is stronger than I ever was – and maybe she has a secret, she could be like me.

As we sit down Chantel asks. “Well, what are we going to order?”

“Dicks” replies Rhonda.

Sharon adds “None for me, I ate one last night”

Chantel laughs and says. “I think we better order soda pop, this party could get out of hand”

I am just a little shocked. I didn’t know women even talked like this – so I didn’t say anything. Then I thought I should say something sane like “Oh I think I will order a simple rum and coke”

“Rum and coke for you honey?” came in a strange voice. I didn’t see a waitress, of course I miss quite a lot since I can’t move anything from my butt to my head. I suddenly realized that just for a moment I forgot that I am wearing a cast.

“OK” I answered. Then Rhonda, Chantel, and Sharon all ordered in turn.

Vladimere’s is kind of an up scale place. The waitresses are uniformed in short skirts and tee’s that say “Vladimere’s” across their boobs. Wood and brick line the walls and large wooden beams majestically cross the high cathedral ceiling. Antiques adorn the walls and pillars. They have an extensive and expensive food menu. It is a little late now and we all ate supper at home so we are just here to enjoy each others company, maybe a drink or two, and a night out. In the corner a band is just setting up their instruments. I have never been here before so I don’t know what to expect. By the look and feel of the place they will be pretty good.

I see Chantel talking to Sharon. She is asking her “Why do you like wearing that brace”

“I don’t” Sharon replies.

Rhonda joins in “You sure as hell do” I have to turn in my seat to see Rhonda as she continues. “You wore it when we went out for my birthday, and you wore it when I helped you paint your store, you wear that thing any time you have an excuse.”

“My back hurt” Sharon defended.

“So take a pill” was Rhonda’s answer.

I am wearing out my dress turning back and fourth in my seat as Sharon continues. “Pills put me to sleep. Don’t forget I broke my neck six months ago too. You know when I was a kid and this thing was put on me I went in my room and cried for hours, I just hated it. It hurt me and I felt like a freak. My parents had to force me to wear it. My dad put boxing gloves on me at night so I couldn’t remove the damn brace”

“That was twenty years ago” Rhonda said. “I think you got over it, adjusted to it, and when you didn’t need it any more you felt worse without it than you ever did with it. My sister was like that with her head gear. When her teeth were finally all where they were supposed to be, she didn’t want to give up the braces, her boyfriend liked them on her and she got attention from everyone she knew, it was harder for her when she got them off than it was when she got them on”

“OK, OK, so I like wearing it, Do you have a problem with that?

Rhonda answers. “No, I don’t, I never did, I just wanted you, miss to perfect, to admit it, that’s all.”

Sharon continues. “OK, so It feels comfortable and secure in a lot of ways. I can use it for an excuse for a lot of things that come my way. Oh yea my husband likes me in it too. And believe it or not it is a diet aid, it’s hard to eat in one of these things, if I had a brain in my head I would sell them for weight loss at the shop.”

Chantel asks “You like wearing it?”

“Well it makes me stand out in a crowd, I used to hate that part of it, but now that I,m older I kind of enjoy the attention.”

Chantel replied. “Well, what ever feels good, just do it”

“Chantel, does it bother you that I wear the brace? Do you think it’s weird?” Sharon asked.

I can’t help but think this is getting serious. I wonder if other people are listening.

“No sweetie I don’t think it’s weird, it’s different, but not weird.” Says Chantel, she pauses and then continues. “I’ll tell you what’s weird, Piercing is weird. All four of us have pierced ears. Rhonda has four holes.”

“Six” says Rhonda and adds “I have nothing in the top two on the right ear tonight, but I usually wear posts with little stones on them in the high ones. I love ear rings and I find pierced a lot more comfortable than clasps”.

Chantel continues “OK, so ears are all right, but what about pierced lips, pierced noses, pierced eyebrows, pierced nipples, pierced belly buttons, and even lower. That’s not fashion, it’s mutilation. Braces aren’t mutilation, because they don’t draw blood. About three weeks ago I went into a cafe downtown and the waitress could hardly talk. She had two huge posts in her tongue, that’s weird, that’s strange, and that bothered me.” She paused for just a second and then continued. “Hey, and don’t forget about tattoo’s.

Tattoo’s hurt, a lot, and unlike true love their forever.”,

Rhonda says “Don’t rip on tattoo’s, I have a rose on my butt”

“Girl, that’s a good place for it” said Chantel.

We all giggled about that one and I realized that I am getting a bit tired of turning back and fourth in my chair so I said. “Well I sure don’t like this cast”

Rhonda pointing at me says. “You will get used to it.”

“But I won’t miss it when it’s gone” I answered.

“Of course not” Sharon added. “You will have a beautiful new Milwaukee, just like mine. You will love it and you will loose weight, I guarantee it. See, I can sell them for weight loss.”

Chantel added. “You could sell anything if you say it’s for weight loss.”

We all laughed as our drinks were served and the band began to play. That stopped our talking for just a while as we took in a very good jazz group. I don’t know what they were playing but I like it, I think we all are enjoying it.

The little group continued the evening by loosing themselves in conversations about almost everything anyone could think of. We all, including me, fended off various invitations to dance, date, and one jerk asked Rhonda to “screw” but in spite of what she had said on the way here she didn’t take him up on it. None of us took any of the invitations. I really feel like I am part of the group and that is just super for me. I am very comfortable with them, I feel like I really am one of them. I am thinking of the cast less as the evening wears on and more about my new identity, the cast is just one small step to achieving my goal.

Time passed very quickly for all of us and, too soon, it is getting to be time to go. Chantel asked for our bill and we are waiting for it when suddenly Rhonda looks behind me with a start and appears shocked. Instantly I hear a man’s voice behind me.

“You damn bitch, I knew you were out with whores, who’s supposed to be watching my kid’s”

Rhonda says quietly. “Don’t do this Billy, these are my friends and your drunk again.”

“I am not drunk and you don’t need no damn barfly whores for friends, you need to be home where you belong.”

Rhonda offers “OK, just quiet down, I’ll go home with you, I need to pay my part of the bill and we can go, I’m sorry girls I’ll call you tomorrow and try to make it up to you. Forgive me please.”

Even louder now Billy rages on. “You don’t need to apologize to any damn whores, you need to apologize to me.”

“OK, I’m sorry Billy, now let’s go, I’ll settle with you tomorrow Sharon, is that OK, I guess I can’t wait for the bill”

Sharon says “Sure it’s OK, in fact forget it, it’s no problem.”

We are getting all kinds of attention now, everyone that I can see with my limited view is staring at us and I can feel the rest of them staring at my back. Billy is standing next to Rhonda now. He is a big, good looking, powerful man in a very red neck sort of a way. Rhonda starts to get up and he sits her back down with a slap.

“It’s not that easy bitch. You need to tell these whores to go to hell before we can go. I don’t know what’s wrong with you but you got to stop this crap here and now”.

Rhonda says. “These are my friends Billy, I really don’t like you calling them whores. We can talk about this when you sober up in the morning.”

“Ain’t nothin to talk about, your done with damn whores, you belong at home.”

Rhonda starts to get up again and is slapped down again.

I think I am a little sick of this too. I can be called a lot of things now, but I sure am not a whore. Sharon, Chantel, and me are all quiet and mostly in shock. I hope sombody is calling 911, this is getting very ugly.

Now Billy is looking at Sharon and me. “I don’t ever want to see you damn whores again, hear me good, I mean this, your gonna get hurt if I ever see you again.”

Now Sharon pipes up. “You can’t be talking to me mister, because I sure don’t want to see you now, or ever, but your here and I can’t seem to do anything about it. We are not whores, thank you very much”

Now Billy is getting even louder. “Don’t you give me no bad mouth you piece of shit.”

Chantel stands up and shouts. “Billy, I don’t know what planet your coming from but we don’t need this, nobody needs this, go home and eat some raw meat, you’ll feel better and you won’t need to insult and slap women around.”

Rhonda, pleading now says. “Please don’t do this Billy, remember when you are sober you seem to know that Chantel’s our accountant, let’s just go and forget about all this.”

Billy is looking madder all the time yells “BULLSHIT”

I don’t know what to do here, so I start to stand up. Then Billy hits Chantel in the side of the neck, hard, she nearly fell over. That isn’t enough for him so he clasps both fists together and came down on the top of her head. She dropped like a sack of flour and landed on the floor with a thud.

Then another loud male voice shouts “FREEZE JACKASS”

I turn and see a man in a gray pin stripped suit holding a gun with both hands and pointing it at Billy.

The man continues. “I’m a cop and your under arrest”

I’m facing the door now so I can see that two uniformed officers are coming in. I think that Billy saw them too, he calmed down instantly and put his hands up in a surrender position.

The man with the gun continued. “OK jackass, turn around, that’s good, now lower you right arm and put it behind your back”

He produced a set of hand cuffs and clasped one side on Billy’s wrist.

“Now the left, good caveboy, good caveboy, that’s real good.”

The other hand is clasped and the man continues. “I’m off duty now and I’ve had a real bad day so you can do exactly as I tell you, understand?” then a small pause “Understand jackass”

Billy finally replied “Yes sir”

“Good. I am going to put my hand on your shoulder to steady you. Now, down on your knees. That’s right. Now put your face on the floor. That’s right, on the floor, nope you need to be nose down, that’s better, thank you. Now if you move I am going to think that you are threatening me and I will shoot

you right in the head. Understand jackass”

“Yes sir”

“Do any of you ladies know this man?”

Rhonda said “He’s my husband”

“Don’t he make you proud?”

“He used to.”

I have to get down on my knees to look at Chantel. I put my hand over her face and feel no air moving so I said to Sharon. “She’s not breathing.”

Sharon says “See if you can find a pulse”

“She has a pulse, it’s irregular, but it is a pulse.”

Sharon turns to the man in the pin stripes and says “I’m a nurse” then she turns to me and tells me “I have to get out of this brace.” With that she started to unbutton her top, then she finished the process by ripping it off. “Cindy, there are some buckles on the back of the brace, undo them for me OK?

I had to pull her skirt down just a bit to get to the clasp that is low on the girdle part. Then I found a clasp higher up attached to a belt that went around her left side. She worked on something at the back of the neck ring and the brace opened and she dropped it to the floor.

Then Sharon commanded. “Cindy call DR Mahmood at the university, give him my name, and tell him what happened, I think we have a closed head or a neck injury, possibly both, oh their are four DR Mahmood’s at university hospital, you want George Mahmood”

“George? Mahmood? George? that seems odd” I said.

Sharon angrily. “It’s a long story that I’ll tell you someday, just call him dammit, then get back here”

“Sharon, did you see a phone in here?

“Just use my flip phone, It’s in my purse”

I can’t help but think that I have been living as a woman for less than two months now and in a real crisis situation I am a complete ditz. I don’t want to be a ditz. I want to be more like Sharon, attractive and smart. I also can’t help but notice that Sharon is one good looking chick without her top on. She wears a better under wire bra than I do.

Things are happening fast now. Sharon is giving mouth to mouth, I am making sure that Chantels pulse is continuing. Sharon used her top and a table cloth as pillows to steady Chantel’s head. The off duty officer told one of the on duty officers to make the arrest because he wanted to be a witness on this one. Two more police officers showed up. The one a female cop is asking the others where the ambulance is. One of the men is interviewing Rhonda, one of them is watching Billy and the other is taking names of people that saw what happened. I can hardly wait for my turn to be interviewed because my drivers license still has my old name on it, I have to show it, it’s the only one I have.

The cast is really bothering me now because I am in such an awkward position to check Chantel’s pulse but this is important and I can’t do anything about the cast. Chantel has blood oozing out of her ear, that’s not good, Rhonda is bleeding from her nose. This isn’t exactly the girls night out that Sharon had planned for us. Interesting how fast life can change.

At long last the ambulance arrived. A man and a woman came in together with a gurney. They asked the female officer what had happened, then they relieved Sharon with a respirator, and me with a monitor. Chantel got an I.V. and a rather large cumbersome collar, then she is secured to the gurney.

Rhonda came up and told Sharon that she was going to leave with the police.

Sharon told the paramedic that I was going to university hospital with them. Then she told me to take Chantel’s purse, get in the ambulance, and try to find a phone number that I can use. She said “contact anyone that you can but try to find a family member, and her boyfriend, I’ll meet you later at the hospital. OK?

I answered “OK” gave Sharon a twenty for the bill from my purse and got in the ambulance ahead of the gurney.

We got underway and I found pay dirt right away without going through Chantel’s personal things. She carries an address book. That leaves at least a little of her privacy and dignity in tact. Then I realized that Sharon probably saved me the embarrassment of a police interview. Well, thank you Sharon once again.

University hospital’s emergency room is relatively quiet so Chantel got full attention right away. She is still unconscious so I found her insurance card and signed her in. Of course the first phone call anyone has to make in a medical emergency nowadays is to the insurance company. They didn’t like that I am not a relative but they said It is OK to proceed anyway. Maybe I’m not a ditz after all.

Chantel’s own phone number is in her book so I tried that one first. I think she said that her boyfriends name is Allen.

A male voice answered and I said “Is this Allen?

“Nope, how’s about Arlen”

“I’me Cynthia Martin, a friend of Chantel Bains”

Arlen sounding very pleased and talking very fast says. “Oh good, if your a friend of Chantel’s I need a little advice, I mean I could really use someone that knows her to help pick out a ring, I have no sense of style at all.”

“Sorry Arlen, this isn’t that kind of a phone call, their has been an incident”

“An incident?” Asks Arlen.

I continue. “Chantel’s been hurt”

“Is she all right?”

I answer. “She is in very good hands at university hospital.”

“What happened?”

“She was assaulted”

“Oh come on who the hell are you? She is out with Rhonda. Rhonda’s a little mouthy but she would never hurt anybody, it’s a little late for this, give me a break so I can get some sleep.”

I say “I’m sorry but this is serious, I need you to call Chantel’s family and get them down here, then you should come too.”

Arlen sounding concerned now asks. “Who attacked her”

“Billy Mayer, the police have him, I’ll tell you all about it when you get here”

“Oh God no. That screwball needs a doctor, he’s got a brain tumor or something. He gets worse every time I see him.”

Arlen paused just a bit and then asked. “How will I know you”

“I’m the girl in the lobby, in a body cast, you can’t miss me”

Arlen said “I’ll be their in a few minutes” and hung up.

I think the body cast is good for something after all. Like Sharon said, it can sure make you stand out in a public place.

All I can do now is sit and wait. Chantel is being worked on and I am sitting and waiting for anyone that will show up. With all that is happening to Chantel I shouldn’t be thinking about myself but their is nothing else I can do anyway. The discomfort and the itching inside the body cast seem to make everything even worse. I wish I could just get this thing off and be done with it. I don’t even need it anyway, it’s just to see if I can adjust after the big transplant.

Sharon showed up first, in her brace again with her top in very bad condition it has blood stains on it, it’s wrinkled badly, and has buttons missing, she says “I am so sorry I got you into this mess. This has been a bad one.”

I reply “It’s not your fault.”

She answers. “I know that, but just the same this should have been good for you, you have enough problems of your own, you don’t need to get messed up in something like this.”

I think before saying. “That’s true, I should be home in bed.”

Then Sharon smiles at me and says. “Well Cindy, what I really need is a hug, this has been a bit hard on me too.”

We must have looked like quite a pair in each others arms, but it all seemed right and good. It’s great to have a real friend like Sharon.

Chapter Five

Sharon and I waited another half hour before Arlen, Chantel’s boy friend showed up. I am glad he was there. Right after he arrived a nurse came looking for people with Chantel Bains. The truth is that Sharon and I hardly knew her. This is really loving family kind of stuff, we are just new acquaintances. Arlen was much closer to family. He said he had called the rest of her family but found no answer, answering machines, or had contacted people from too far out of town to be available. The nurse told us that Chantel is going into surgery. This is an emergency procedure only to limit further damage to her spinal cord. The good news is that she is breathing on her own, their is little evidence of closed head injury and only slight swelling of the brain. The bad news is a shattered cervical vertebrate. A type of injury normally seen only in serious car accidents, or falls. The doctors are going to do what they can do now, such as putting some bone fragments back together and removing others. Then Chantel will be placed in a halo brace attached to a body cast. She will need at least one other procedure later to fuse the cervical spine, then DR Mahmood can deal with the nerve damage. Rhonda got here from the police station just after we got our notification so we filled her in. Arlen went to make more phone calls. Then Chantel’s brother showed up, he got the message on his machine and came right over. At that point Sharon and I became very tired, extra people hanging around a hospital. Sharon pointed out that it is getting very late, it may be easier if I just went home with her, I agreed and we were on our way.

In the car, on the way, I am asking Sharon. “What is a Halo brace, and why does she need it?

“The Halo is a device that is used only in severe neck injuries. She will be put in a body cast that has a frame attached to it that goes to the upper part of her head. Then four pins that are mounted in the frame are inserted into her skull. This will provide complete support for the head and will not allow any movement of the neck.”

I replied “Yuck, doesn’t that hurt?

“Only for about the first two weeks, her brain is swollen inside her skull, when she wakes up the head ache will be so bad that she may not even notice the Halo.”

I added. “This is really bad isn’t it.”

“She would have died without immediate help, she still may, this is very serious.” Sharon paused for just a bit and continued. “Rhonda’s bloody nose would have ruined the evening, Chantel’s injury is going to ruin several lives. Rhonda’s marriage is over, Billy is going to be in jail until we are all very, very old, it’s a little early to think about it but Chantel almost can’t make a full recovery, nobody ever even told us that she was conscious, she may be in a coma.”

“You made a full recovery from a broken neck”

“Mine was displaced, you know dislocated, Chantel’s is shattered. That is much more difficult to deal with, I was very, very lucky.”

Then remembering an earlier conversation I said. “well, maybe Chantel will like wearing a Halo.”

Sharon laughed and answered. “Not if she is like me, I hated my brace when I had to wear it. Now it has become a sort of play thing. I can’t imagine why I like wearing it occasionally now, but I guess I really do. Actually I never admitted it before, not even to myself.”

I added. “You know what, that means that the night hasn’t been a total loss, one thing that all my sessions with DR Ellis taught me for sure is that it is harder to be honest with myself than I ever dreamed of, but I am oh so much better off now than I was before. I think it will truly be good for you too.”

Then Sharon continued. “I’ll tell you something else. Please don’t take this the wrong way but I kind of like having you in the cast, I have no idea of why but I do. Your different from my other patients, it isn’t medically necessary for you, it’s just an exercise to prepare you for when it will be.”

“Well, I can tell you for sure that I hate it.”

“But realize, you are adjusting very well to it, and quickly, by the time your six weeks is up you will feel completely normal in it, it will still bother you and be disabling, but your life will go on without a hitch.”

I reply. “For now, I just can’t wait to get out of this thing. This seems to be a real mistake to me. You know, it was my idea, I just didn’t think it through and I didn’t expect that it would be taken seriously but here I am talking to you and looking at the roof of a car because I am stiff as a tree from my hips to my ears.”

Sharon, laughing again, clearly entertained with my little problems, says. “I think, if I were you I’d worry more about being a twelve year old again than about the scoliosis condition, do you remember how really rotten we were treated as kids, God, I was teased all the time about my looks, my brace, my body, my school work, just everything, then I would get slapped if I wanted something, said something or if I was too quiet. I could go through the scoliosis again but I don’t know about the rest of it.”

“Isn’t Joanna’s condition extremely bad?”

Sharon answered. “It started very early with her, really a birth defect, but now I think she is being over treated, her medical care is fragmented because of the ever changing welfare rules and her situation from foster care, to mommy, to county youth home, and back. I think that once she is in the program and has good care she will be out of the cast and into a brace and be much better off. If you go through with your part it will be you that will be much better off.”

“This all seems a bit unreal. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop”

“Don’t worry, it will all be real enough for you after the procedure, I think the other shoe is when you find out that you really are a twelve year old.” Sharon continued. “The other shoe dropped last night for Chantel”

I agreed. “She sure had a bad day, and didn’t do anything to deserve it”

Sharon went on. “You know, life is never what we expect it to be. Back in my third life I was a galley slave. You know, my arms chained to an oar and my feet chained to the ship. My ship, was Cleopatra’s private yacht, so I had it pretty good for those days. Cleopatra only used the thing once a month. I got three squares a day, lived under a good sturdy roof, and had an ocean view through the hole in the side of the ship that my oar went through. That is, life was good until the day that Cleopatra invented water skiing.

That was a really bad day.”

“Sure it was” I said. “Just don’t tell too many people about that one, OK”

Sharon just keeps going on. “But the worst was in my eighteenth life. I was a barmaid on the Titanic. I was doing great, I was young and cute, all those rich guys were giving me big tips. I was certain to make enough money on that voyage to buy myself a house. One of the things that helped was that the Titanic had an ice chest and I could serve drinks with ice in them, quite a luxury in 1912. Well, about the fourth day out we were running out of ice. I was afraid my tips would stop. So I looked to the heavens and raised my hands to the lord in prayer. God, dearest God, please grant me more ice.

After I drowned Saint Peter told me. “Sorry bout that, but the almighty was very busy when he granted your request. Next time be more specific, tell him how much ice you want and exactly where you want it.” That was another bad day. Then I remember even another bad day. It was in my thirteenth life when I”

I cut her off. “OK, OK, I get the picture, I think we are getting punchy and do need our sleep.” The Eastern sky, what little I can see of it in my cast, is getting lighter. Soon the sun will be up for another day. I hope this will be a good day and in this life for both of us.

We arrived at Sharon’s house, before sun up, but not by much. It is a bigger and better than average home, and certainly bigger than mine, but I am too tired to take much note of it. Jack, Sharons husband is home and asleep. So I don’t meet him, I am simply cautioned not to wake him. Then another surprise, Sharon has a Murphy bed. I have never seen a Murphy bed except in very old movies on television. Still I am too tired do take any special note of it. Sharon motions for me to lay down, I do it and fall instantly to sleep in my cast and fully dressed.

I awoke after the best rest I have had since the cast has been on. I sit up in bed and realizing that I am fully dressed think that I would rather not start the day in heels. So I sit up, not being able to bend my body is kind of a bitch. Maybe being thirty-nine years old is taking it’s toll too. I have to bend my right leg up with my left hand to reach the ankle strap on my shoe. I start loosening it and then think better of it. What if I can’t put it back on? Heels are better than no shoes at all and I am in someone else’s house. I turned a little more on the bed to get up and see a note.

Cindy:

Jack and I have left for the day. Food is in the fridge and you can use my clothes if you want to get dressed and freshen up. Will drive you home when I get back.

Love, Sharon.

I have to think. Love? That’s interesting, well I guess that’s just the way she thinks.

But it does seem that Sharon is becoming a very good friend. She is my first one since I started my new life as a woman. I guess the cast isn’t so bad after all, I would have never met her if I didn’t get it. I really need friends more than I need to bend. My personal losses were very heavy when I “came out” as they say. Came out seems a bit radical, homosexuals come out. I don’t feel like a homosexual, I never had sex with a man, and don’t want to as a man. I guess that will make me a thirty-nine year old virgin now. I think that qualifies me as an old maid. Well, enough day dreaming it’s time to find something for breakfast, I am alone in someone else’s house so I don’t know where anything is, and I need to get going on my day.

Chapter Six

Chantel was twenty-nine days in the clinic for three major procedures, and several smaller ones. She is a basket case, in a wheelchair, in a Halo brace, and always in a bad mood. Who could blame her, she is pure victim. Not everyone can be a good patient.

She has lost the use of her legs. DR Mahmood holds out some hope but not much, he was able to restore breathing and the use of her arms and hands but not much below that. She has another problem. She has terrible health insurance. They resist everything and will not pay for anything that could be considered experimental. The trouble is that most of what she can use is experimental so it is not available to her because their is no way to pay for it. She owes twenty-six thousand dollars for what has already been done that is not covered. When she pays that she will be out of money. The University clinic stopped the mapping process that is needed to find if function can be restored in the lower part of the body because their is simply no way to pay for it. She does not qualify for the program because her injuries are not within the scope of what the program goals are. This is all too much for Arlen he comes around less and less now. Much of her family is ignoring her too. This is similar to what I am facing with rejection from many of my old friends and family. But I have a way to come back and rebuild my life, and at least to some extent I made the choices, Chantel was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, I can’t imagine how she comes back.

I am still in the cast, I still hate it, but I am doing nearly everything that I want to do. It is really more of an annoyance than anything else. It is coming off next Monday morning at 9:00 A.M. That is one hundred thirteen hours and twenty-two minutes from now. Not that I’m anxious or anything. This thing is not as tight as it was and I have learned to do things like take my shoes on and off, eat, and drive. The driving was easy, I own a pick up truck. The high seat and door make it much easier to use for me. It took me two awful weeks to figure that out. I quit using the truck to be more feminine, that was a mistake. Half the trucks on the road have women driving them, I can drive one too.

I can’t get used to people staring at me. I just never know for sure what they are looking at. Did I drop my skirt? Is my hair falling out? Have they read me as a man?

Do I have a sign on me that says something awful? I just can’t know. What I do know is that I am just not all that interesting. So I wish they would look at something else once in a while.

The worst part of the cast now is that it feels so slimy and dirty inside. I hate that, and I stink from it, I really hate that. Things, gritty, unknown little things seem to have found their way inside, I don’t know what they are but they are rubbing me raw in several places. But the worst is my bra, wearing this thing under the cast was a big mistake. I certainly could have used a more comfortable style.

They let Billy out of jail last week, so Rhonda and her kids are living, better think of that as hiding at my house. I have the room and she is paying rent. Rhonda is certain that Billy is going to kill her and we don’t know anybody that disagrees with her.

Sharon and I have become the best of friends. We do everything together. She hired me at the store and is training me to do the work. I started Monday, so far it is working out very well, of course I don’t know very much yet so I mostly do odd jobs. David Prost, remember him, the guy that helped with my cast, is taking me by the hand and leading me through most of what I need to do. Other than that I am the clean up girl. I can’t believe how much they have to clean up. I always have something different to do and it is, in it’s own way interesting, they make some very creative messes. Sharon has me reading books on medical terminology and anatomy. This may be the most boring reading I have ever done but she says I need it to take the classes that she needs to send me to.

Sharon interrupts my train of non productive thought. “Cindy, I think we are done for today my last two appointments canceled. Do you still want to go with me to visit Chantel?

“I think so, let me just finish this cabinet before we go. I’m nearly done, it will only be a few minutes.” I answered.

“OK, I should close out the books today before we leave too.” Then Sharon smiled and continued. “Say, come with me and I can show you what I am doing for the daily report. Perhaps you can do that for me when you know a little more about the business side of things.”

I went, I saw, and I think that the village idiot could do the daily report. She has it broken down into a simple form. Just fill in the blanks, it almost does itself.

I drove us to Chantel’s. I am more comfortable in my truck than in any car, at least while I am in this cast. My driving isn’t impaired either, I have adjusted quite well for someone that doesn’t really need a cast.

Last time I saw Chantel she was stoned on morphine. She should be off that now and will be more conscious of her surroundings.

Chantel’s mother answered the door. “Your here to see Chantel ? Oh, your Sharon, the nurse that saved Chantel,” Then she looked at me and continued. “And you are?

“Cynthia” I answered.

“Do come in. Chantel isn’t feeling very well today, please forgive her, she is having such a hard time of it and I am afraid she is taking it out on anybody that shows up.”

Chantel is sitting in a wheelchair facing a turned off television set. She turned her chair to face us. I say in my best and kindest female voice. “How are you today, you sure look better than last time I saw you”

“This is horrible, I feel awful, and it’s never going to get any better.”

I think sarcastically don’t sugar coat your feelings for me but trying to sound sympathetic, I answer. “Oh, I am so sorry, can I help.”

“Oh you two did your bit. Why couldn’t you just let me die? Couldn’t you see how messed up I am? What the hell am I supposed to do now?

I answered. “This must be just awful for you.”

“Well, if you two can stay for about an hour we can all share the highlight of my day. The visiting nurse will be here to change my God Damned diaper and I won’t be sitting in my own filth for a little while. How’s that sound for a good time.”

“Oh I am so sorry, I just don’t know what to say” I answered.

Sharon broke her silence with. “It can only get better from here sweetheart, I’m so sorry too.”

Chantel says. “What could be better than this, I’m sitting in my own shit with a piss bag between my feet, and I have nails in my head.” Then louder and sounding even more bitter She continues. “We were talking about piercing just before that moron hit me and now I have God Damned nails in my skull, that’s some great piercing.” Then she though a little bit and added. “Do you know I can’t use my legs for anything at all, but they tingle twenty-four hours a day. It’s maddening, and it’s always going to be like this, because nothing can be done about it, nothing, I can just sit and tingle. When someone is with me I can bitch about it, and you just know everybody loves to be with somebody that is whining about what hurts them, when I am alone all I can do is cry.”

Sharon says. “The halo will come off as soon as your neck heals, then you

will feel a lot better”

Chantel corrects her sternly. “The latest good news is that the neck is not healing normally. The graft may be starting to separate. Oh, this is all going to be just fine, just fine indeed.”

Sharon asks. “Are you scheduled for any counseling?”

“No, I don’t need counseling, I need something done to help me, I would have to pay for counseling. It costs me thirty-two dollars and forty-eight cents a day to get my damned diaper changed. I can’t afford counseling.”

Sharon assures her. “In time this will be less painful for you. You need to learn to change your own protective garments. Your neck will heal and then we can get you out of that chair with leg braces if we need to. There is no magic for you but real help is available. The program at the clinic may well be able to help you. I don’t think you have seen the final word on it yet. If the next few procedures go well they may expand the permitters to take in someone with even extensive damage like yours. The real goal is to repair any possible nerve damage, no matter how bad it is.”

“God, I hope so, I can’t live like this, I just can’t.”

Sharon sounding very professional continues. “Make no mistake, this is bad, and you must go through this, you will probably never be as you were, but you will be better than you are now.”

“The pain is terrible and it just will not stop, they won’t give me morphine anymore and nothing else helps at all.”

Sharon took Chantel’s hand to continue. “I feel really bad about what happened to you, and I can do very little to help, but you are a beautiful young woman that has the world in front of her. You must get through this because nothing else can help you. It can’t be easy but you can and you will go on.”

“That’s easy to say, but it isn’t easy to be me. I am going to loose the house within six months because I can’t work. I look like some kind of a movie monster. This isn’t going to get any better.”

Sharon answers. “Listen, their are a lot of things that can be done to enable you. You have your CPA and you have your hands. We can set up an office for you that you can use, you will be back to work before you know it. You will be able to walk with crutches and braces, not like you did before, but not stuck in the chair either. When the nurse comes in today we can find out how you can care for yourself, that’s what is really supposed to happen. I can help you and I think Cindy can help you too. Is that OK Cindy?

I answer.”Yes, we can work it out, somehow.”

Chantel says. “Well, that all sounds OK but it will take a lot for me to be of any use to anybody. Look at you, you like wearing a brace and your not wearing it now, you can just take it off any time you want to, I can’t, I live in this thing.”

Sharon answered. “I think I just put the brace on any time that I want to.

It’s normally off.”

I have to stick my bit in and following Sharon’s lead I say. “I can’t take my cast off, I live in this thing too.” Then I pause a bit before adding. “I hate this thing, but I am happy with it on, things are going well for me, with a little time and luck I think you’ll be OK too.”

Sharon goes on. “Cindy and I are going to the mall tomorrow. The more active you are, the better off you will be. You need to get used to being out and about. I’ll wear my brace, that way people can stare at all three of us and you won’t feel so alone in the crowd. OK?

“Great, I can go to the high style, yuppie mall and find the perfect shoes to go with my new high style PISS BAG.”

I answered. “Sure, and I can find the perfect tent to hide my cast.”

Chantel says. “I don’t think I can face people just yet, and I am not a member of your weird club. Remember, I don’t want to be like this.”

Sharon answers. “I sure didn’t want scoliosis or the broken neck, Cindy sure didn’t want to be a transsexual and this isn’t some weird club, we are just ordinary people, we are just doing the best we can with what we got. It would be a good idea for you to do the same. Nobody anywhere is completely” She gestures quotation marks with her hands above her head “NORMAL.” The fact that you can see our idiosyncrasies doesn’t make us any worse than anybody else.”

I think that in one of her other lives Sharon must have been General Patton.

She seems to be able to take charge of any situation no matter how bad it is.

Chantel seems to agree and sounds just a little less bitter as she says. “I suppose your right, I can’t just sit in this house for the rest of my life, it would be easier with you all taking me.” Then she actually smiled just a little and added. “Don’t let anybody step on my piss bag, I will explode.”

“I have a catheter at the store that you can hide. That one should have never left the hospital.”

“I prefer piss bag.”

“When you can hide it, and you don’t feel so awful, believe me you will prefer the term Catheter,” Then Sharon added. “It will cost twenty-four dollars, but if you let me use you to train Cindy to install a cath I can give it to you. – Will that be OK?

Chantel asks. “Is she a nurse”

Sharon answers. “No, but I am training her to be a fitter, she will be a good one too.”

“I guess that would be OK. That’s about all I am good for now. I can be a dummy for teaching medical skills.”

Sharon pauses a bit, clearly thinking of something. “You know Rhonda would probably come too If I asked her.”

Chantel, bitter again and shouting answers. “I don’t ever want to see her again. Why couldn’t that monster take it out on her, she’s his wife, he was mad at her not me, I was just a handy target for his rage. I only saw him a few times before, I hardly knew who he was. If he was so damned mad he had to break someone’s bones why couldn’t he just hit Rhonda and leave me alone.”

I informed her. “He did hit her, twice, she had a broken nose, she wore a big bandage on her face for ten days.”

“Well, whoopty shit, I’ve got God Damned nails in my head, a brand new wheel chair, and this really neat looking piss bag, excuse me, catheter hanging out of my crotch.”

Sharon said. “They’re actually screws in your head, and you will have a much better cath tomorrow. You certainly have a right to be mad, you need to be mad, but Rhonda has lost a lot too. She lives in fear.”

“Fear, what has she got to be afraid of, I damn near died, in fact I wish I would have. He’s in jail, he can’t hurt her in jail.”

Sharon said. “He’s out.”

“OUT! Out, what the hell, he should be OUT when I go OUT running again. How did he get out?

Sharon answers. “It’s a long story. He parked the truck in the no standing zone in front of Vladimere’s, the police towed it in, they wanted to give him an expensive ticket to go with everything else.”

Chantel interrupted. “A parking ticket, that’s just perfect, he nearly killed me.”

Sharon continues. “At the impound lot a police cadet, just new on the job, had no training, opened the cover on the truck bed and found four garbage bags of marijuana. Billy was charged. He was tried last week, his defense was that the truck isn’t his, it is in Rhonda’s name because she bought it for him. Since it is her truck, it must be her weed because he didn’t know about it. One of the jurors bought it, he has a mistrial and is out on bail waiting for a new trial. Now his lawyers are delaying both the battery charge and the dope charge so he can stay out. Isn’t this fun, don’t you just love it? The police confiscated the truck because new drug law allows them to do it. It doesn’t hurt Billy much, but Rhonda owes sixteen thousand dollars on it, she has to pay it, all of it, right now because the police took it. Billy doesn’t have a job, his wife Rhonda does, so she already owes another twelve thousand for Billy’s lawyer fees. She isn’t a happy camper either. Her savings are already long gone. The only good part is that when the equity in the house is gone Billy is stuck with court appointed defenders. Then he will go to jail. That’s coming, real soon.”

“I don’t want to see Rhonda, she got me into this.”

Sharon finally agreed. “OK, I won’t call her.”

The visiting nurse showed up, Sharon had me do the honors with the Chantel’s protective under garments because I need to learn to work with patients. Then the nurse instructed Chantel. It is very hard for her, but she was able to change herself, at least when she’s dry and the nurse is coaching every move. She had to get out of the chair and change on the bed. It will be a lot easier for her if the Halo ever comes off.

I drove Sharon back to the shop. She talked about how awful this is for Chantel and a lot of other victims just like her or worse. That is why our work is so important. She made a big pitch for me to study so I can be good at this and be a real help to her and be well paid for doing something that can make a positive difference in peoples lives. I have to be an expert because every case is different. The doctors can only do so much, when they send patients to us we need to know what we are doing so that we can help them.

When we got to the shop, we gave each other a hug and headed for home.

Friday morning I got into work just a little early. Sharon is already here.

“Good morning honey” She said with a big smile.

I answered. “God morning Sharon, I see your wearing your brace.”

Sharon replies. “Just felt like it, Jack wanted me in it last night and I didn’t want to take it off this morning.”

She continues with an even bigger smile. “I have your first fitting for you to do this morning, two men that have a prescription for collars.”

“Oh, I don’t think I am ready yet.”

“Don’t worry about it honey, DR Lang, you don’t know him do you, called me at home last evening. These guys have nothing wrong with them, they have had a minor accident and think the lottery hit them, so they are suing.”

“Oh boy” I answered skeptically. – “What if it looks like they are really hurt?

“Then call me honey. But don’t worry, they’re not. You still need to do it right. Remember what David did. Just measure their necks. Don’t pull the measuring tape too tight, watch that the skin is not indented. The size chart on the box is your guide, they are probably both large. Then set the collar so that with there heads comfortably extended you can get two fingers under the chin. Actually try three, if they go set the collar higher. If the collar won’t go high enough because you ran out of adjustment use the next larger size.”

“OK, I think that’s easy enough.”

“But honey, your not done after you have fit them. Then sell them anything that they will buy. They are not really hurt but need to have people think that they are. First talk to them for just a while, Instruct them to rest their heads on the collars. Then show them how to turn at the waist to see where they are going, demonstrate it to them. Then use your cast. Tell them how grossly uncomfortable it is, tell them the truth, tell them how difficult it is to live with no relief from it, and how hard it was to learn to sleep in it. Then give them an excuse not to wear their collars at night by selling them the sixty-five dollar cervical support pillows. Suggest other neck braces, four posts, phillies. These kind of patients often buy them because they think a more complex device will make a better show. If they buy four posters just bend the metal parts to fit the body then zero in on the post hights and the side straps like you saw David do Tuesday. Now listen, this is important, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, sell something that isn’t needed to someone that’s hurting or needs a brace to enable them”

“I can do that, when are they coming.”

Sharon answers. “Nine o’clock this morning.”

Then I need to remind her. “I have my appointment with DR Ellis at eleven this morning so this will work out real well. Do you need anything before they, oh boy, my first real patients arrive?

Sharon answers. “Do you know where my old fitting dummy from the Kellerman Supports seminar is?

“Yes, I saw it in the back of the stock room just yesterday.”

“Good” Sharon continued. “Use it to practice with the four post, then try the Philly on it too.”

Then David walked in. “Good morning, how are my two favorite ladies today?

We both answered at the same time. “Very well thank you” I said, very properly, I don’t know what Sharon said but she continued by planning David’s day for him, I guess I just don’t know enough yet, I get my instructions one step at a time.

Then David turned to me and said. “Cindy sweetheart, is this the day I finally take you to lunch?”

I answer. “Oh, I don’t think so. I am seeing DR Ellis at eleven.”

“I can wait, we can go at twelve-thirty, OK?”

God I’d love to go with him but I answer. “I don’t think so, I’m not a very good lunch date today.”

My patients showed up almost twenty minutes early. I am doing the whole process. I took them in, gave them their paperwork to sign and then fit both collars in just a few minutes. One of them, Ken, was very interested in my cast and asked all kinds of questions. That made it difficult for me to concentrate on my very important sales job. They both bought the pillows but Ken bought the Four Post too. Fitting that was a lot harder on a person than on the dummy, but I did it and without help. David however did come in casually and checked it but he made no adjustments then he asked me if I tightened the jam nuts. I told him that I did and he just accepted my word for it and left the room.

I told Sharon about all the questions that Ken asked and how eager he was to get the Four Post, he didn’t even bat an eye at the price. Sharon told me that This probably killed two birds with one stone because Ken is probably my first recreational brace user. She says that some people just like to wear braces.

I asked. “Why do they like wearing them?”

Sharon answered. “I just don’t know, it’s most likely a lot of different reasons. Some like bondage, some think it is special like jewelry, some are just turned on by braces, kind of a fetish like some guys and even women are into high heels.” Then she stopped for a bit and thought before saying. “They’re harmless, you know, kind of like, like, – you know, look at me. I have no idea why I like to wear the brace, I guess I am at least a little bit nuts.” Then she smiled and said. “If I am just a little bit nuts, I am going to enjoy it dammit.”

I told her. “In one of your many, many, past lives you were probably a scaffolding for when they built the leaning tower of Pizza.”

We both laughed and Sharon said. “I think it’s time for your Ellis hour.” I started to turn to go and Sharon said. “Wait, wait , wait, you can’t go until I get a hug. – OK, thank you. Now don’t tell the good doctor any lies about me.”

Chapter Seven

The session with DR Ellis started out with the usual questions and answers, mostly about what I have done and how I am doing it. Then we went through the usual how do you feel about this and that kind of thing. When the subject of my new brace came up the tone changed.

“Cindy, your progress in the last few weeks has been remarkable. You seem to be as ready for surgery now as most patients are after a year or even two of full time role modeling. I hate to upset the apple cart here. The cast is a variable that I have never dealt with before. I have no idea of weather the cast is contributing to your progress or not. However I think that you should consider staying with it. A cast is not accepted psychotherapy for anything but your case has become very interesting, this is primarily a research facility. We may learn something interesting here, this could prove to be exciting.”

I answered. “It’s not exciting to me. I hate this thing. My brace is ready, I have even paid the bill for it, I don’t want the brace either but it looks a lot easier to live with than the cast. I don’t really need either one of them.” I stopped and thought before adding. “You know that in an emergency I could remove a brace, like Sharon did when Chantel was hurt. I can’t possibly remove the cast myself for anything. My God, I can hardly wash myself. Monday it is coming off. I’ll wear the brace full time for as long as you say I should, but I am done with this cast.”

DR Ellis went on. “I wish you would reconsider.”

“I have done everything that has been asked of me.” I thought and then continued. “I have waited for electrolysis and hormone therapy before full time living as a female, I have had endless voice lessons, I have left my family and friends behind. At some point this has to work for me. This change, this process has to be completed.”

The doctor answered. “I couldn’t agree more. In fact you’re doing so well that we may be able to accelerate the process. I think you should add something important to your daily routine. You should add something you haven’t had. How about a little fun. Perhaps you should begin dating.”

“You know how I feel about that. Until I have surgery, I am just a homo. I have no way to complete a normal relationship, besides nobody has asked me out.”

The doctor continues. “You know, the jury is kind of out on weather or not homosexuality is abnormal. For one thing there are just too many of them to be an aberration. For another almost everybody in analysis displays some repressed homosexual tendencies.”

“Mine is repressed pretty deeply. The idea of having sex with a man when I am a man, makes me sick.”

The doctor asks. “What about after surgery?”

“That’s my uneducated idea of the closest thing I can get to normal.”

He then asks. “What about the program concept?”

“That’s why I am in this stupid cast and going into the brace. I wasn’t born female so being transplanted into a real, fully functional female body is worth quite a lot, perhaps whatever it takes.” Then I added “I am still not convinced that it is even possible.”

“Oh, it is, and your going to prove it.” DR Ellis continues with. “I want you to just try dating. Perhaps it would be best with someone that knows your situation. The good old days are gone. Girls can ask guys now, try it. Even if your rejected it will be a good exercise. It will certainly be part of your new life.”

“Oh, I’ll think about it.”

“Our time is up now. Please reconsider about the cast. – See you next week.”

I just got up to the shop and David said. “Girl, am I glad to see you. An urgent case is coming in and I need your help. Sharon is off to the hospital for an emergency.”

“What can I do?”

“I just got a scrip for a Four Post. This one really needs it. I need you to help me handle her while I am fitting the brace. The trick will be not to turn her head or bend her neck while we are fitting and installing the brace. She isn’t hurt seriously but she is in a lot of pain, very delicate, and any movement may create more injury.”

I answered. “I am not sure I can help you.”

Dave says. “Sure you can. We still have a few minutes let’s get Sharon’s old practice dummy again.”

He went through the routine twice before the patient arrived. She is in a bulky collar that was put on her by the EMS people and is laying face up and flat on a gurney. Looks to be about twelve or thirteen years old.

David started measuring her and I started talking to her. “Hi honey, what’s your name?”

“Kathy” was the very weak answer.

“Hi Kathy, I’m Cindy, how were you hurt.?”

“I was playing Volley Ball and dumb Laurie knocked me down from behind and then she fell on me”

“The doctor says you will be OK. I know it hurts now but your young and strong, you will be over this soon.”

David interrupted. “Cindy, I’m ready now. Lift her head gently as I remove the collar. – That’s enough, just hold her steady now.”

He slid the back section of the brace under her neck and back.

David Continued. “Kathy, this will feel a little cold for a few minutes but it will warm up quickly. I am going to bend the back section to fit you OK.” He made a few adjustments and went on. “Cindy, let her rest on the brace now. – That’s good, OK Cindy, put the chin pad under her Mandible, thank you. Just relax Kathy, we’ll be done in just a minute. I am going to adjust the straps now. That looks real good.”

He let her lay down for about ten minutes then he asked me to help her sit up.

David continued. “I am going to adjust the posts now. – Tell me if this hurts you OK. – I think we have it here, that’s better isn’t it?”

Kathy answered. “I think so, it still hurts.”

David answered. “It will for a little while, but it will get better soon, I promise you.”

I say. “Now Kathy, just let your head rest on the support. Don’t try to move. When you need to see something you will have to do what I do. I can’t turn my head so I turn my whole body, see like this. If I need to look up I bend back, like this. To look down I bend forward. – See, it works pretty good.” She seemed to understand so I continued. “I am going to just let you sit here for a few minutes then I will come back and help you walk OK sweetheart.”

“OK, but it still hurts.”

“I’m sorry, but it will for a while, then it will be all better.”

We waited a few minutes then David and I both worked with her. She seemed to be doing well so I took her out to the waiting room to her mother.

Mother look shocked and said. “What the hell is that thing on her face? She can’t have that. I told that damn quack doctor that she needs a shot. Xylocaine would be best. Get that gross thing off of her now!”

I smiled and answered. “I’m sorry but we don’t do shots. DR Reubin’s prescription was for the brace.”

“He’s an idiot. She needs the shot. She has to skate tomorrow.”

I replied. “Oh, I think you better talk to the doctor about skating.”

“The regional’s are tomorrow and Kathy is going to skate. That, that damn thing you put on her will look ridiculous.” Then she turned toward the child and commanded. “Kathy, remove that ugliness – NOW!”

Kathy answered. “I can’t, I don’t know how.”

The mother looked at me and shouted. “You get that, that thing off of her, she looks like a God Damned robot in that ugly thing.”

I answered. “She needs to wear it twenty-four hours a day until DR Reubin says that she doesn’t need to anymore. Don’t worry, she’s young, she won’t need it for long at all.”

The mother grabbed Kathy by the arm and dragged her across the room roughly. Then she started undoing the buckles and snaps on the brace. She got the front section off first and threw it over the counter. Then she pulled the back section from under Kathy’s sweater and threw it on the floor.

Kathy’s chin fell down on her chest and she started to cry. The mother shouted. “HOLD YOUR HEAD UP YOUNG LADY!!”

“I can’t” Kathy answered. “It hurts.”

The mother slapped her in the face and commanded her. “The pain can’t stop you, remember what your coach said, suck it up and keep on with the your routine.”

Then I shouted. “Oh my God, your hurting her, don’t do this to her. Please, don’t hurt her.”

Remembering what happened to Chantel I shouted for David to come and help. David came in and said. “Cindy, don’t touch her, we can be sued if we interfere.” He said to me but looked directly at the woman and continued. “She probably has already caused permanent injury, we have to wait for her to finish beating up on the defenseless and hurting child before we can do anything. But you can call the police and have her arrested.”

That was enough to make the mother stop and think. She calmed down and said. “It’s for her own good. She has to win the regional’s so she can win the state finals, then she will qualify for the Olympic try outs. She has had seven years of lessons and personal coaching. She’s ready now. I just paid five-hundred dollars for a costume. Don’t you see how important this is? It’s her only chance she’s already thirteen, if she doesn’t make it now she will be too old.”

Kathy is on the floor crying now. David said. “Cindy, call down to the clinic, tell the nurse what happened so they can get someone up here to handle this.” David knelt down to help and comfort Kathy.

A nurse and an orderly came in what seemed like just a few seconds and put Kathy on a gurney then took her away. The mother went with them, she seemed really rattled and embarrassed at the same time.

David looked at me and said. “Now we can go to lunch, my treat OK?’

“OK”

We closed the shop and decided to walk to Bradley’s Cafe, it’s just two blocks down the street. By the time we got there David and I were holding hands like a pair of school kids. We never mentioned what had just gone on, David was intent on making small talk about us, it felt comfortable to me for some reason so I went along with it. After all, David does know my situation.

I ordered a drink and a roll. I can use a straw without dribbling and I can eat a roll without making a major mess. It is still difficult for me to eat in this cast. It’s probably difficult enough that I shouldn’t eat in public, but if I am careful, like now, I don’t put on too much of a show.

David started getting more serious. “Cindy, you know, I really like you, your such a nice person and so good with people, your very caring even when you are having so many problems yourself, and your pretty, even in the cast.” He paused a bit and then in a low voice kind of like he was telling a secret added. “I have to tell you the truth, the fact that you always wear high heels and a skirt means a lot to me and the cast is a major turn on, your practically perfect.”

I answered as best as I could, this is the first time I have been on this end of a real boy/girl kind of a conversation and I don’t know what to do. “Well, thank you.” Then I added. “But you know the cast is coming off Monday.”

“Cindy, I would really like it if you would go out with me tonight, we could go to a show or the horse races, or anything that you would like. I promise you that you will enjoy it.”

I wonder if David and DR Ellis are talking to each other. I doubt it, this must just be a coincidence, besides DR. Ellis has talked to me about dating since I first saw him. Now someone has asked me out and I need to make a decision. David does know my situation. I wonder if he is turned on by that too. I can’t worry about everything, and I certainly can’t know what’s in someone else’s head. He’s taking a big chance too just by asking me out, just taking me to lunch would be guilt by association to people that don’t approve of me. What will his friends think? What will Sharon think? I know for sure that I will enjoy it, I just don’t feel ready. Oh what the hell, who cares!

“Lets go see the horses.”

Chapter Eight

Well I can’t believe I let them do it to me, but I did. When it came time to cut the cast off they all came at me at once, DR Ellis, Sharon, David, and some lawyer from the legal staff for the program. I couldn’t believe the lawyer part. They all thought that it was very, vary, make that at least three very’s, important that I stay with the cast. I hate it, but I suppose it really isn’t all that bad. In fact compared to Chantel I have it pretty darned easy. They all promised me things that I want and need. So I agreed to another twenty weeks in the cast to make a total of six months. DR Ellis said that six months was a typical time for a body cast to be on someone.

I actually got some of the promised items. The program is paying my medical now and they paid me for the Milwaukee Brace too. Sharon gave me a raise and a lot of training. I have been to four seminars, one of them was a whole two weeks, in Germany. I found out that the most comfortable seats for you when your wearing a body cast are the seats on an airplane. The German class was on how to train a spinal cord injury victim to walk with braces and crutches. these days, I am the one that usually works with patients that come to Gleason Orthopedic for braces. Sharon still does prosthesis. I am going for breast prosthesis class in two weeks. That seems appropriate since I use a pair of them.

I have been working with Chantel for a month. She is still miserable and having an awful time. She isn’t adjusting, but she is resigned to her condition and is helping herself. She will walk, but on crutches and braces and so will have more options for daily living. That will help her a lot. For now she is doing OK with the parallel bars, she is a little stronger with every session. Chantel is still in the halo and just hates it. When I am with her the cast doesn’t seem bad at all. She is somehow managing to work with some of her old accounting clients, that’s helping her the most. Sharon set up an office for her. Even with the new, “physically challenged friendly” office it’s really tough for her. That halo must be terrible to live with.

Kathy was injured when her mother removed the brace. She had a second degree displacement at C3. Not truly serious or disabling but painful and certainly worth correcting in a child athlete. I had to set up her traction. Sharon directed me, but I did it. She was given a heavy, tight waist belt that was secured to a bed. Then a head halter was installed, remember, like the one I had when I was molded for the Milwaukee. She went from twelve, to twenty, to twenty-five, then thirty pounds of traction. Then her head was blocked in with sand pillows to keep her from moving side to side. Then I secured her arms with cuffs so she couldn’t hurt herself by moving the pillows or what ever she may do. I know this was helping her, and It was all done to doctors prescription, but tying a young girl to a bed for a whole week really got to me. I suppose that she was so stoned on muscle relaxers that it didn’t bother her all that much, but I feel awful about it. I really wish that I had prepared her mother better before hand so all of this would not have happened. I visited her every day in the hospital and read to her. After she got out of her traction, was well rested, mostly healed, had considerable therapy, and was firmly locked in the Four Post Brace, Kathy wanted to skate. The Doctor approved so Sharon found a head protector for her like the ones boxers wear and fitted it to her. It looked funny but if she fell she wouldn’t injure her head. David and I saw her skate last night. She isn’t good, she’s great. Her mothers frustration was dead wrong but easy to understand. Even with missing four months of practice, wearing the four post brace and the head protector, Kathy is wonderful on ice.

David and I have become an ITEM. This is hard to imagine, but yours truly, the now forty year old woman that is lacking a vagina, am enjoying a relationship, wow I don’t believe it. My first kiss in the cast was a real experience, I can’t get my nose out of the way. David has the proper technique mastered now and it’s really great for us. Of course I know it has no future. When I have my surgery I will be a thirteen year old. The only way David and I can continue then will be from his jail cell. That’s not going to happen. We both accept this as temporary and are enjoying it to the fullest now. We sleep together, a little odd perhaps but we make the best of it. It has me not only in the body cast but a panty girdle as well twenty-four hours a day. We even have sex, well sort of. I end up with a soiled girdle but in it’s own way it works for us. At least the girdle can be removed, when I’m alone, and cleaned. I may own more panty girdles than any one else in the world. I’ll bet I’m the only woman on my block that wears a girdle every day.

Rhonda is back in her own house and back to work. She still wears splints for carpal tunnel. With all that has gone on she has just two weeks ago started therapy. My guess is that she will need surgery for it now. After a while the splints are counter productive and make the condition worse even though the pain is relieved.

As usual I am the first one in the shop this morning. I have my own key now. I usually come in early and finish up the things that I left. It was very important yesterday for my taskmistress, you know Sharon, to leave early. She finds a reason to leave early almost every day. Some boss, if she didn’t own the place I’d have to fire her.

Today is the big day. The cast comes off as soon as Sharon comes in. I am her first appointment. Nobody seems to want me in it any longer. I am so crummy and smelly now that the term “Buffalo’s Armpit” comes to mind for anybody that’s near me. I am certain that I am rotting inside this thing. I am completely adjusted to the cast because their is nothing that I can do about it until it’s off.. It’s just my own private torture chamber and I take it everywhere I go. I stuff paper towels and clean rags around my arms just to stop the stink. This will be one of the best days of my life. A long, trying ordeal is coming to an end. I certainly hope that I am in a brace and not a cast after I trade bodies and become Joanna.

Billy is still out. He has a court order that keeps him away from Rhonda and the kids. Sharon thinks she saw him in our lobby last week, he didn’t come in, just stood in the lobby and looked around. The court is convinced that Billy Mayer is harmless, or at least the Billy Mayer that his lawyer paints in court is harmless, so he remains free while delaying his assault trial.

I hear the elevator bell, I am expecting David up from the cafeteria but it is Sharon. She is bright and early and not wearing her brace. I kind of thought she would because I am going to get mine today. She is carrying what is obviously a bottle in a brown paper bag.

She makes her usual drop dead gorgeous with big boobs kind of an entrance and with a big smile says. “Are you ready for your appointment ?”

I answer. “You have no idea how ready I am.”

I hear the elevator again. This time it is David but with Mark in tow.

Sharon looks at them and says. “Good morning gentlemen. You can do your plastic molds in the back room this morning, OK”.

David answers. “Think of it as already done. See ya later.”

Sharon leads me into a small patient room and says. “Your the only patient that has to clean up the mess herself after a cast is cut off. Do you still want to do this? Are you sure you won’t miss it when it’s gone? You know in my thirty-fourth life when I was the kings favorite mistress I.”

I cut her off with. “Trust me, in this life I am ready to lose the cast. If I don’t get out of this damn thing, I am going to be a raving nut case in the here and now. This damn cast has me nearly crazy.”

“OK, OK, it won’t be long now. Let’s just get situated. Take your top and your skirt off. I am going to cut up both sides from the bottom. Then I will cut the part that is supporting your head. When I take that off the main body of the cast it will still be hanging from your shoulders. I will give you this soft collar for support while I cut the cast completely off. Here.”

With that she handed me the collar to hold and started with the cast saw.

Then she continued with. “Don’t worry this won’t cut you. Always reassure patients when you are using a cast saw. It looks dangerous to them.”

I inform. “And, they can feel it. It tickles.”

Sharon says. “That’s normal. Now raise your arm. I am going right up to the opening.”

I add. “This feels weird.”

Sharon answers. “That’s a good description. OK, this side’s done. Now turn around.”

I obeyed and she started up the other side as promised.

“You can talk if you want when I am cutting the cast off” She said with just a hint of a laugh. “It’s OK to talk, but you can’t get giddy on me. You can do that later. I got a bottle of champagne for us to celebrate with after work. Thought you might like that.”

I answered. “I sure will. Now I won’t have to do a back flip to celebrate.”

Sharon answers. “Don’t worry, you won’t be able to, you will be in your new brace. No point in having you too free. You might get used to it very quickly and think that you should always be able to bend and twist, you know, like normal people. ….. Raise this arm now.”

I reply. “Hey, I never claimed to be normal people.”

Sharon continues “OK, that does it. I am going to cut the neck portion now.”

She cut down both sides then around the back to release the back of my head. Then she cut around my throat and removed the front part.

“OK, I am installing the collar. That looks good. Don’t turn your head until I tell you it’s OK” She continued to work and directed. “You grab on to the front part and I’ll handle the back.”

I felt the weight in my hands and not on my shoulders. At the same time that Sharon said. “OK, your free.” Then she laughed and added. “You must want that bra to stay on don’t you.”

“Heck no. I want this bra severely punished and then I want it to die a horrible death.”

Sharon laughed and said “I want to do that to mine too but I just hate it when I drag on the concrete so I let it live and serve.”

Then she got serious and said. “Does your neck hurt?”

“No”

“Do you have any pain in your arms or legs?”

“No”

“Good”

With that she un-hooked my bra and I took it off myself and put my breast prosthesis on the side counter.

Sharon got the wipes out of the drawer and said. “Now the part we have all been waiting for. You do the front and I’ll do the back.”

We both rubbed and scrubbed for a while. God, it feels good to finally clean up a bit.

Sharon directs. “OK, turn your head to the left, good, just a little more. Any pain”

“No”

“Arms or legs?”

“No”

“Good. Same drill now to the right. ….. OK?’

“OK”

Sharon continues. “Good. Chin down. ……… Look up. …… OK?

She took the collar off and went through the routine again. I passed, so we went on to other things.

Sharon looked me up and down and said. “Oh my, …… Cindy honey, look at you”

“What?” I asked.

“The hormone pills are working. You’ve got boobies. You may want to stop using the prosthesis.”

“Can I see?”

“Sure, their is a small mirror on the inside of the cabinet door.” She opened the door and continued. “See. Probably a B cup. Not big, but real boobies, big enough for most girls.”

I am thrilled, not big, but well shaped and clearly female breasts, thank you God. I’ll take real good care of them and am real happy to have them. This is the best thing to happen to me in a while. This is why I am going through all of this garbage.

I have to ask. “Sharon, do you have a pencil handy”

“Sure” She got one out of her purse. “Here.”

I put the pencil under my new right boob and the pencil stayed there. Then the left. Sharon just laughed as I said “See! now I really need a bra.”

“Ha! I can do that with a brick.”

“I bet you can’t”

“Well, maybe not a brick but at least two pencils.”

“Hey, I’m still new at this, but I am catching up”

Sharon replies. “Trust me on this honey, you really don’t want to.” Then she continued. “Let’s get you in your new brace so we can get back to work.” She picked up the brace and said. “Get your girdle where you want it honey. ……. OK?”

I adjusted the girdle and nodded my head yes. Almost a new experience. A short lived pleasure I am sure. I think that the brace will be just as restrictive as the cast was.

Sharon continued. “I’ll put it on for you now. Tomorrow we can remove it and I will show you how to get it on and off.”

She put the chin pad under my chin and closed the brace like a clam shell around me. Then she installed a belt with a pad on it. The belt ran from the front post, around my rib cage, under the first post in the back and attached it to the right rear upright and pulled it tight. Then a plastic sleeve was put on my right shoulder and attached with a strap high on metal piece that was welded to the front upright post. Then another strap from the sleeve was run under the right rear upright post and attached high to the left. That wasn’t enough, their are two buckles in back over my butt that she did up and pulled tight.

Sharon asked. “How is that?”

“OK, I guess, it feels like the cast, but I can touch myself. …. I can turn my head too. a little, not much. It’s a lot lighter than the cast. The rib belt is pretty tight and I don’t like the thing on my right shoulder at all.”

Sharon said. “You know, you do have a curvature, most people do, yours is about seven degrees. This will make you taller because it will straighten you out.”

I answered. “I didn’t know that, I suppose I need this thing then.”

Sharon replied. “Well, not really, they generally don’t treat until ten degrees is found, and it needs to be done when your a kid, but what the heck, straight is better than any curve.”

I put my clothes back on, I am lucky, everything fits over the brace. I am going bra-less. the last time I did that in public, I was Paul not Cynthia.

Sharon took me over to the appointment book. I have one fitting scheduled every fifteen minutes until two o’clock in the afternoon. Chantel was supposed to be here at ten in the morning but canceled so Sharon called my late appointments and brought them in earlier. No doubt she was thinking about going home early.

My first appointment is already here. Jerry Foster is on the sign in sheet.

I opened the door to call him in. “Mr. Foster”

I gave him his papers and read his scrip. It’s about three months old and from out of state. It’s just for a Thomas Collar. I have to think this guy may be a recreational user, but I don’t know that. I can’t really ask him, if I’m wrong I look like an idiot. So I will just talk to him about it. I put him in a patient room and let him wait for about three minutes. Then I came back in and started to measure him.

I asked. “Have you ever worn a collar before?”

“No” He answered.

“Well it is an easy thing to wear. You know, some people even enjoy wearing them.” I put the tape around his neck and continue. “My boss, Sharon, well she actually enjoys wearing a very complex brace called a Milwaukee Brace. I paused for a while to let it sink in then continued. “That’s what my brace is, a Milwaukee. It’s prescribed for me, but she and her husband use hers for a toy. When the mood strikes, she puts it on.” I pointed to the catalog on the cabinet top. “Their are all kinds of braces. In this state they are not regulated. The prescription is really an instruction by a Doctor. Like a prescription for aspirin. If you really need it you should buy the aspirin but you can buy acetaminaprin too if you want.” I handed him the catalog and left the room to get the collar for him. If he shows any interest I will show him a different brace. If not he will just get his collar.

Mrs. Morrison is signed in so I call her too and get her started on the paper work. Her scrip is just for a soft collar. It was written yesterday morning. She says she has arthritis in her neck. I will just get her the collar and show her how to use it. Then I will tell her that the collar doesn’t do anything to help with the arthritis, just the pain. She has to go to her prescribed therapy, take her medication, and do her exercises. The scrip even says to use it only when in pain. I will re-reinforce that to her.

Kathy’s mother dropped her off early so I take her in too. I only have four rooms, Sharon says that four are enough, after that let them wait in the waiting room. The magazines are better out there.

It turns out that Mr. Foster really wants a four post. Too bad Kathy’s won’t fit him she is loosing hers today. Her scrip is for a soft collar to replace it. She will see this the same way I saw getting out of the cast. A very good day for her.

I am relay busy now but I hear a sound like a car backfiring, that’s funny cars don’t do that anymore. It happened four times. We never hear street noise up here on the fifth floor.

I tried one collar on Mrs. Morrison and it didn’t fit so I need to go get another for her. I glance at my schedule and see that it is time for Bill Podniedzlowiek to be in. Looks like he is late, probably has to write his name somewhere. I get Mrs. Morrison set up first, the second collar fit is OK. She needs a little time alone in the patient room before she is ready to face the real world. I can understand that so I let her just stay put for a while. I have the soft collar for Kathy wrapped on my arm and I am carrying Fosters new Four Post in the other hand when I hear the elevator. Must be Podniedzlowiek, he won’t need attention for a while, it should take him most of the rest of the day to sign in. I am sure that in one of Sharon’s past lives she was named something like Rosemary Podniedzlowiek. She probably shortened her name to something simpler like Pat Podniedzlowiek.

I look out to the waiting room to see who is in and I see Billy Mayer. He looks really strange, looks like he is drunk again. I open the door, walk out, smile, and say. “Hi Billy, can I help you.” He just stood their and grinned stupidly. Then suddenly he took his hand out of his pocket and produced a gun. He grabbed it with both of his hands and aimed it directly at me. I see his hand move as he pulls the trigger. The whole world is in slow motion as I see the muzzle flash and I swear that I can see the bullet coming toward me. I try to move but it is all happening too fast. The bullet strikes me right in the center of the chest. My chin is pushed upward so hard it feels like my jaw may be broken. The force of the blast pushes me back. I fall against the wall and down on the floor. I am sitting up against the wall with all the wind knocked out of me and am struggling to breathe. Billy goes through the door to the patient area. I hear things falling and breaking as I struggle to breathe. It sounds like he is kicking a door down, then a Quick shot. Oh my God! He is shooting my people. And more than that, I know about it, I’m still alive! He must have hit the brace and the bullet was stopped by it.

I have been wearing it little better than an hour and it saved my life. As I continue to struggle for air, I am trying to get up. Then more shooting, three shots this time. I have to get away, if he see’s that I’m not dead he may try again. He will never hit the brace again, it will be me for sure next time. What if the elevator takes a long time. My only chance is to take him down. I need something to hit him with. I sure wish I had my old shot gun but I don’t. I see Sharons champagne bottle. I’ll surprise him when he comes back out the door. Oh my God! another shot. I kick my shoes off, bare feet are better than heels. I probably don’t have time to take the brace off. I wish I could because my head is jammed with my chin too high and bent a little to one side. I take the bottle out of the bag and stand by the door ready to hit him when he comes through. This works or I’m dead.

I didn’t have to wait long. He soon came out still holding the gun in both hands. I swing the bottle at his head and hit him with everything I have. I strike him right square on the side of his head. He didn’t go down. I am following through with the bottle as he turns toward me. I hit him on the other side of the head and the gun goes off shattering the glass counter behind me. I remember how he hit Chantel so I raise the bottle to hit him on top of his head. Billy looks up and I hit him in the face. Billy has the gun aimed at me now. I see him pull the trigger again and nothing, the gun doesn’t go off. Billy is getting dizzy now so I can hit him on the top of the head. He takes one hand off the gun to guard himself but it is ineffective because he is too stupid from being hit on the head. He pulls the trigger again, the gun doesn’t fire. I score two more hits on his head and he is starting to go down. I keep on hitting him until he is on the floor.

Holy shit, I had two fights when I was a kid and lost both of them. I never even thought of anything like this. This is not me. I have to remember to be a lady first. I am still living with other people.

What if he gets up? I don’t think I can do this again. I take the phone cord and bind Billys wrists. I still have lots of phone cord left so I bind his feet too. I hope this holds him. I hear the elevator again. My head is tilted up too high in the brace. I have to turn my whole body to see who is coming. It’s a man with a video camera and a woman carrying a microphone. I pick up the gun and throw it to the other side of the room and yell out. “CALL THE POLICE”

The woman sticks the microphone in my face and asks. “Can you tell us why you are killing these people?”

“What the hell is wrong with you? Please call the police for me, I’ve got real trouble here.”

She continues with. “Why are you beating this poor man?”

“Your nuts.”

With that I turn to go back into the patient area. I can use another phone to call for help.

My patient area is a mess. The table is knocked over and two of the doors are broken in. God, Billy is a nut case. He broke down two doors that don’t even have locks on them.

As I turn to room two I hear a male voice behind me. “Look at her Terry, I think someone shot her in the ass.”

The same female voice answered him. “Cops must have got her on the first floor, she’s the killer, she tried to hide the gun as soon as she saw the camera.”

I do have a burning sensation on my hip. I put my hand down to feel it and it is wet. I have to bring my hand up to my face to see it because of the brace. I have blood on my fingers. The second time Billy fired at me he didn’t miss completely, he must have grazed me when the glass was broken out of the display case. I didn’t even feel it.

I am still more worried about what has gone on than I am about my butt so I look into the broken down door for room two. Kathy is still sitting up, and in her Four Post but the top of her head is gone and their is blood all over the back wall. I feel sick and am trying not to vomit. I can hear the camera running right behind me. I turn and say “Your as sick as Billy Mayer is, don’t take pictures of this, please call for help.”

The microphone is stuck in my face again and the blond chick asks. “Who is Billy Mayer?.

I don’t answer her but open the door to room number three. Mrs. Morrison is OK. Thank you God, one for the good guys. “I think were safe now Mrs. Morrison, the police should be here soon.” The reporter, now combing her hair and her photographer descend on poor Mrs. Morrison.

The pain in my hip is getting much worse now but I carry on and open door number four. Mr. Foster is crouched down between the counter and the wall. He starts to yell as soon as I opened the door. “NO GODDAMMIT DON’T SHOOT!!!. …….. Oh it’s just you. …… What the fuck are you running here, Jesus!! Jesus fuckin Christ, I mean what the fuck is going on. Don’t fuck with me I got the fuckin cops on the flip phone, they can hear fuckin everything.”

I ask “Did you tell them where you are?”

“Fuck yes, I told them.”

“Thank you.”

Finally I hear David’s voice. “Cindy, come here quick. He got Sharon. …. It’s bad, she’s real bad.”

Seeing Foster’s flip phone I say. “Mr. Foster, please tell them that we need E.M.S. to the fifth floor. Sorry. I mean we need fuckin E.M.S. to the fifth floor. This is Gleason Orthopedics’ shop in the university medical center annex building. OK.”

I round the corner to the back hall and see David kneeling on the floor over Sharon. He is covered with blood and their is blood all over the place. I can see bone, make that bone fragments where Sharon’s shoulder is supposed to be and blood is bubbling from a hole in her chest. David looks up at me and says. “Cindy, try to seal the hole in her chest. She has a pulse and she’s trying to breathe but I think both lungs are collapsed from the chest wound.”

I ran back into patient room four and unwrapped a roll of sterile gauze bandage. I got back to Sharon and found David trying to force air into her lungs by mouth. I get down on the floor and press the gauze over the wound as David continues to give mouth to mouth. David stops and feels for breath. He says. “She’s breathing, keep pressure on the wound. …. Are you OK?”

I answer. “OK enough for now, how are you?”

“He never even saw me, this is Sharon’s blood.”

I ask. “Where’s Mark?”

David answers. “He’s OK, He’s in the back under a table.” He checked Sharon’s breathing and pulse again and continued. “Darrek Connelly called from accounting and told me that Billy was shooting down their. Then he saw him get on the elevator. He thought Billy may come up here, I was going to warn you when I heard a shot. I’m sorry. I chickened out and went back and hid in the work room. Sharon went to warn you and this is what happened to her. Oh God, I’m so sorry Cindy.”

Finally I see a police officer. I am struggling to stand up in my bent up brace and the officer pushes me down. He rolls me face down and grabs my arm. Then he clamps a handcuff on my wrist and roughly grabs my other arm and handcuffs me completely. I hear a male voice command. “Don’t move bitch, your under arrest.”

Oh my God, now what!!! I start to say. “What’s go.”

“Shut up bitch, I don’t want to hear anything until I have read you your rights.”

Then I hear another male voice. “Rousseau, what the hell are you doing.”

The first one answers. “Arresting the killer sir.”

The second voice counters with. “Does that look like a six foot five, two-hundred-seventy pound male to you?”

“No sir, but that reporter lady said that she saw her do it.”

“Rousseau, your an idiot, we have no idea what the hell happened here yet,. Let her go, you probably just arrested a victim. I’ll take care of this, you go and sit that TV crew down somewhere and keep them in one place. This is a crime scene and we need to take control of it and find out what really happened. Now let her go Goddammit.”

Rousseau released me and helped me up. Just as I stood up David said. “She’s stopped breathing, and, wait, …… She has no pulse either. We gotta have help here now.”

The police officer, whose name I Don’t know yet offered. “The death star is parked right outside. It should come with it’s own med techs. I’ll call for it and we can send her to Brendt general. It’s only minutes from here and the trauma center won’t be so busy.”

David was doing the best he could with CPR to keep Sharon alive while the officer made the call. The officer must be the man because a gurney and two med techs were here in only a minute or two. They ventilated and shocked Sharon back to life and hauled her away. David went with her. He is a trained EMS tech, I’m not. Their are more and more police up here now. Sergeant Denny, The officer whose name I didn’t know and obviously the boss, told another officer to escort me to the university trauma center before I bleed to death. I feel OK but I really can’t do any more here and I can call Jack from the emergency room. As we got off the elevator on the first floor the scale of the damage was a shock. The first floor is a mess. Broken glass and blood all over. We had to cross a police line and reporters were all over us.

I am not to bad off at all. So I had to wait almost forever. The police officer that took me in used the time to interview me. He recorded me and took a lot of notes. When I finally was treated I got two stitches in my head, four in my left arm, and about a dozen in my hip. They told me that the wound in my hip will leave a nasty scar. Then they gave me hospital scrubs to wear. My own clothes are ruined. They needed a hack saw to remove the brace. It’s quite a mess too. It’s badly bent from the bullet to the chest and the plastic girdle was badly damaged too. Now that I am all fixed up I hurt quite a lot and my chest is badly bruised. They told me to go home to rest but I want to go to Brendt general to see how Sharon is. Jack and David will both be there too.

As I started to leave to go to my truck I was paged to DR Ellis office. This must be important. I got on the elevator up to the third floor and walked in. DR Ellis was waiting for me.

He looked very serious and said. “Come in Cindy, please sit down.”

“OK, you have my attention what can I do for you.”

“Sharon has died.”

we both sat in silence for a few moments, then I asked “How.”

He answered. “She threw a clot and it went right to the brain, they were nearly finished with her when it happened. It’s a risk of any surgery, these things happen. I’m sorry.”

I reacted. “Oh my God, I have to go to Jack, ….. and David too.”

“Wait, there’s more.”

I react again. “What? What else can their be?”

“Sharon is an unrestricted donor. UNET came up with a primary match. ….. You and Sharon are practically clones.”

In shock, I react. “My God, what are the odds of something like that.”

He answered. “I don’t know, it’s probably easier to hit the lottery”

I ask. “Are we certain that it’s correct?”

“UNET is the national computerized data base for transplants. It is being checked as we speak.” He pauses, then continues. “Both of you are in the program, we have mapped both of your minds, you are both fully tested, we can do this and it will work well.”

I ask. “Isn’t somebody going to be guilty of murder here, I, or at least my body can’t survive without a brain?”

DR Ellis answered. “That would be true, but Morris Williams, you know, one of the security guards, took four rounds in the chest. He is on life support but is failing fast. He has no more than a few hours. His head is fine. He is not a very good donor match for you, but we have new, experimental gene based anti-rejection techniques, he should be OK. The gene based is done by splicing DNA. It works in computers and it works in animals. This will be the first try with humans.”

“Morris is a three hundred pound black man, isn’t he going to be a bit surprised when he wakes up and is a hundred-thirty-five pound white guy. …… with B cup tits.?”

“A little, but his other choice is burial, that’s his only other choice. His family has already signed off on it.”

I add. “Jack Gleason has to approve.”

DR Ellis answers. “Not legally in this case.”

“He will before I approve. When I wake up I’m going to be married to him, he will notice the difference, if nothing else Sharon was smarter than I am.”

DR Ellis answers again. “Cindy, time is critical here, Morris Williams is already in the operating room, Sharons body is on it’s way, I need to get you prepped now. Sign these papers and we can start on you. The process will not go to completion until Mr. Gleason signs off. You need to know you could end up in a halo brace. In fact it’s a certainty. You will have her gunshot wounds too. The surgery part for the wounds is completed but the healing hasn’t even started yet.”

“Why the halo.”

“Sharon has no brain activity at all. The cut will be at the spinal cord. We know we can re-connect, we have done it on her just a little more than a year ago and it has been done in animal transplants a half dozen times. The Halo is a necessary part of the process.”

He pushed the papers toward me, I signed, and said. “This will be another of life’s little surprises for me.” Then I thought and asked. “What about Kathy, can anything be done for her?”

DR Ellis answered. “She is not an organ donor.”

I said. “That’s so sad, she was a wonderful skater.”

“Oh Cindy, just to change the subject. You look like hell today.” DR Ellis said, with a devilish smile.

“Thank you Doctor. Lets see here, in the last eight hours my best friend has died, I have been shot …. twice, ……. several people that I know have been murdered or badly injured, I have beat an armed, mass murderer into a coma with a champagne bottle and have been mistakenly arrested for a crime. I have been a very busy person. Do you suppose the fashion police could give me a pass, just for today? I promise you that in Sharons body, I will look much better tomorrow. Almost anyone would look better in Sharon’s body.”

Chapter Nine

The machine seems to drone on endlessly. The air pressure inside goes down when the diaphram on the back of it is pulled outward and the air rushes into my lungs. Then, when the diaphram is pushed in toward the center of the tube that I am laying in, the internal air pressure goes up and air is forced out of my lungs. The cycle repeats over and over again in a constant rhythm that only a brainless machine can create. Only my head is outside of the metal tube. A smaller diaphram allows my head to be out of the tube. Four leather belts have been released to allow the small hole in the rubber diaphram to close down on my neck and prevent the pressure from escaping the tube. The constant movement of the tight rubber collar rubs my neck raw and their is nothing I can do to stop it.

Oh, my surgery didn’t go badly, in fact it went very well. It was a complete success. The reason that I am sealed in the machine is because I have been a very bad girl.

My brain was transplanted into Sharon’s head almost four years ago. In most ways my life has been great since then. Of course with such a major change in my life their have been some surprises. Sharon and Jacks bondage hobby is just another little surprise. I am stuck in this fifty year old machine because Jack is punishing me. I said that perhaps I should have breast reduction surgery. Jack just won’t allow it, so here I am. Jack dosn’t force this on me, well not really. It’s just another part of our very complex relationship.

The Iron lung isn’t really such a bad thing and I have only been in it for five days. Jack is going to release me in a few hours. The first time I let him put me in this thing I thought that surely this is the wierdest behavior that I, yours truely, the self proclaimed oddball, have ever done. But after a while I realized that the lung is as much of a sanctuary as a prison. For just a while it frees me from the madness of my breakneck, high pressure life. I have time to think and reflect on all that has gone on. I can clear my head of all the garbage that builds up from the endless pressure of the decision making and expectations of heading a large business in the modern world. Oh yes, and Jack has to take care of me. I truely can’t do anything in here.

Their is nothing else quite like the shock of waking up in a differant body. The one I occupied before the shooting and the resulting sergury is gone forever and is the property of someone else. Everything is still the same, but differant. Colors look differant to me. I have arthritis in my left knee and ankle, sensations are differant, my hearing is very differant, food tastes differant. I was forty years old four years ago at the time of the shooting. I am thirty-eight now. One really off the wall thing is that even though I answer to her name, occupy her head and body, speak with her voice and am living her former life, I miss my old friend Sharon every day. I have been her longer than I knew her. Yet I am certain that I will always miss her.

Sharon and I, that is old Sharon and I were the best of friends and yet I have found that I knew almost nothing about her. She and Jack were into bondage, I mean realy into bondage. She would wear several kinds of braces in private. She used only the Milwaukee in public. Now, I wear it, the Milwaukee, most of the time because to tell the truth, I feel a little naked without it.

The gunshot injuries were terrible. Two bullets hit the shoulder so it really got ripped up. I had four surgerys on it. It will never be what god made it to be but I do have some use of my right arm. My shoulder joint is plastic and stainless steel. At first I was in so much pain that the halo and the cast were no more than a petty annoyance.

After the pain was under control I hated the Halo. Chantel’s description of nails in her head was perfect. I never got comfortable in it. I couldn’t sleep in the thing and I could never get over the feeling of being tortured by it. I was in it for every miserable minute of twelve weeks. Once it was off I never put it on again. I don’t even have it anymore. I was in the various incarnations of a spica shoulder cast for almost ten months. I actually dreamed of getting my old body cast back. The body cast didn’t come with the pain and uncertanty of the shoulder injury. The chest wound was all soft tissue and once everything was put back in it’s proper place it all healed quite well under the cast.

I knew that on legal papers sharon used a hyphanated name, Sharon Price-Gleason. I had no idea that the Price part had anything to do with the Price building down town or that she was the Price that was referred to with the name of the Price Center administration building on the university campus. Price Hall is a fourteen story dorm on campus that is also named after her family. I thought she missed time from work and left early so often because she was a bit lazy. That wasn’t the case at all. She had meetings to attend and endless decisions to make.

The project steering comittee decided that because of the expectations of society, the stuff would go with the body. Morris Williams, no relation to Arlen Williams, got all my stuff. My house, my car, my truck, my money, my stocks, and even my dog. I got Sharon’s stuff. Sharon is the sole heir to an enourmous fortune. Her parents and her brothers were killed in an airplane crash about two years before I met her. I had no idea that she owned anything unusual but I got six shopping malls, a dozen skyscrapers, three hundred apartment units, a very small orthopedic appliance business and a wonderfull loving husband that won’t allow me to spend my own money because he is proud and wants to be the bread winner of the family. The truth is that Jack is doing pretty well now and is loosening up a little on the I am man kind of stuff. We are in the planning stages of a new home. We do need a play room for our toys.

Billy Mayer’s aftermath was a multitude of tradgedy’s. Five dead and six wounded. He killed the little receptionist first even though he had no idea of who she was, then Rhonda. Al Sharpe was just in the line of fire but took one shot square in the head. The four shots that I heard were fired on the elevator and went into Morris Williams chest. His body is creamated but his consiousness lives on transplanted into Paul Martins former skin bag. It feels really strange when I see him. You already know about Kathy. Sharon Rice-Gleason is not counted as dead because of the transplant. Morris Williams is counted as dead because their was a recognisable body for autopsy and a funeral.

Three weeks after the shooting, John Filmore Gleason, that’s Jacks full given name, David Prost, Mark, Chantel, me, and a couple of other interested friends had a funeral for old Sharon. We all needed it for closure but it was very spookey for me. One of my unique life experiences is that I have been to my own funeral. I was still on morphine at the time but the strangeness of it all was extremely sobering.

About four months ago I bought some flowers and had my own private funeral for Cindy. She just kind of got lost in the ozone. I wonder if the new Paul Martin cross dresses.? Oh well, I doubt it.

About three months after the shooting, Jack came to me and told me about the extent of my business holdings and that it could no longer be ignored. It was very well set up to largely run itself many years ago by grand father Price. However times, laws and people change. Sharon had left notes, well, more than notes. She had an outline of things that needed to be done and looked into. It was her habit to keep a business plan. Jack dosn’t know the structure of the business and has no desire to become involved. I had to take it over or loose it. The fact is that Jack didn’t even know how the money is deposited in our bank accounts.

I don’t know anything about business but I know an accountant. I called Chantel. She contacted a lawyer that she knows. I was still in a Halo and the Spica arm cast, and Chantel may always be in the Halo. The pair of us were quite a sight when we contacted the manager of the Price building down town and announced who we were.

At first nobody believed us. I was such a mess that Art Hilliard, the manager didn’t recognise me. Sharon had very little contact with Mr. Hilliard becaust their were no problems with this building. As it turned out their still are no problems with this property other than the fact that Mr. Hilliard is planning to retire. I can’t intelligently read the books and tax records without Chantel. Having her available to me is a God send.

Sharon number one is gone because she went completely brain dead on the operating table. DR Mahmood attempted to put some of what she knew in my transplanted brain. That part of it was a complete failure, I got nothing. I don’t have the knowledge to operate the orthopedic shop. Sharon told everybody that she was a nurse, what she really was is a certified PA. Physicians Assistant, that’s nearly a doctor. My medical training is limited to one medical terminology class and a few non credit seminars. I can’t function in a medical environment without competent supervision. I still own the place but Sheppard Orthopedics Inc. manages it for me. I don’t even go in the store anymore. David still works there and oh yes, he has a new girlfriend too. I am so happy for him, he is such a nice guy.

David’s new girlfriend is not at all attractive, but she is depressingly normal. I don’t think she even wears a brace for him. Well, who knows what they do in private. They seem very happy together. David is completely over me, actually he’s over both of me’s. He had a thing for Sharon too. It’s just that Sharon was married so he never approached her.

One thing that I do have on old Sharon is that when I talk about past lives I am telling the truth. I really have had two past and totally seperate identitys. Sometimes, sometimes hell, it’s usually confusing, even to me.

I hear the garage door opening. That means that Jack is home. I have been alone all day with only the television for company so I am very happy to have him return to me.

I hear the car engine stop in the garage and the door slam shut, then Jack’s now very familiar voice with his usual “Hi honey, I’me home.”

I simply answer “Hi”

He walks in the room and say’s “Oh, such a big smile. Have a hard day?”

“Now how the hell” pause for a machine induced breath “could I have a hard day” another pause “In this thing”

He bent down and kissed me then said. “Well, you could be a bit boared.”

“I am, but” breathe again “board isn’t so bad, I know” stop again as the machine cycles “know your coming home to rescue me.”

Jack answers with a smile. “What if I don’t, maybe I want to keep you in there forever.”

I answer. “Well then you …….. will just have to take care …….. care of me forever and you won’t ………… have any fun. What if I don’t ………. don’t come out. It’s a little boring and my neck ……….. hurts some, but I don’t have any ………… any real problems in here.”

“OK Poopsie, if I let you out, what are you going to make for dinner?”

“…………….. Reservations.”

“So you want to go out tonight?”

“I ……….. have been trapped in this damned can f ………. for a week now. We are going out as soon ………. soon as I can take a shower.”

“Well, I think I’de like that too. Do you really need the shower. Can’t we just go?”

” ………….. Trust me on this one. I need the sh …………….. shower. This thing retains body heat, I’me a bit …………… I’me a bit ickey.”

With that Jack went around the back of the machine and turned the power off as he said “OK, but make it a quick one.”

He came around the front and raised the right and left lock bars. Then he rolled the bed out. He pulled on the leather straps that opened the rubber diaphram so my head could come through. Then he carefully released my shoulder, wrist and knee straps. He pulled me through the opened diaphram, helped me sit up and said “Welcome home beauitfull.”

“I’me just a …………. little bit stiff. The shower should help ……………. with that too.”

Jack volunteered. “Here, I can get the cath for you, and I can get the diaper too.”

I said “Thank you.” as he did the chores. The diaper was still clean from this morning. God, I feel for Chantel. A diaper and a cath are the worst.

He helped me on my feet as he was talking about where we could go for dinner and offered to help me get dressed. I think jack used to play with dolls or something. One of his favorite things in the world is helping me get dressed, or un-dressed. I got in the shower and just enjoyed the warm water as it flowed over my body. Then I washed all the smelly parts and got out. As I stepped in the bedroom Jack was all smiles as he helped me get into my panties, then he offered my bra. I put my arms out for it as he gently put it over my shoulders and around me. I turned and felt it dig in as he hooked it and gently caresses my neck and back. I adjusted my boobs as he lifted my brace and gently installed it too. He again caressed my neck and back as he clampped it shut and tightened the belts and straps. It feels good and secure to be trussed up in the familiar grasp of my brace again. I put on my red, straight skirt and my white, frilly top. Jack selected a pair of black ballet shoes for me and we are ready to go.

“I think ………….. I will skip the make-up job tonight. …………. I hope nobody we know runs …………. into us.”

“Will you stop that dammit. I’ll put you back in the machine.”

“OK, just testing to see if you liked me or the machine better.”

Jack answered. “Oh, I think I like you better but you are a whole lot less trouble when your in the iron lung.”

“Thanks a bunch.” With that we both laughed and we exchanged hugs.

Jack paused, looked lovingly at me, raised one eye brow, and said “Mabee we should have dinner in bed tonight.”

“I’me all dressed and ready to go. That’s OK, I always enjoy dinner in bed. Here, let me trade the ballet flats for heels, I don’t want to be able to run too fast.”

Jack kissed me behind the ear and said “Let’s put on your leg braces, I don’t want you to be able to run at all.”

I sat on the bed and Jack took my shoes off, kissed my feet, and handcuffed me. Then rubbed my legs and feet. God, that feels good. He pushed up my skirt and gently pulled my panties and panty hose off. He turned and opened my special dresser drawer and got out my skirt girdle and nylons. I stood up, stepped into the girdle as he held it low for me. Then he dropped my skirt and struggled with the too tight girdle. finally it was where it needed to be and I sat back down on the bed. Jack kissed me on the top of my head, turned and went to the closet and got my KAFO leg braces. I put my nylons on myself. That’s unusual, Jack normally does them for me. The braces come with the most comfortable shoes that I own so it’s always pleasant to be in them. He caressed my right leg, pushed it up and kissed me under my knee and thigh. Then he laid my leg down in it’s brace and did up the laces on the shoe. Jack simply will not let me even tense a muscle when he is putting leg braces on, he does all the work.

I didn’t have this in mind when I was younger and wanted to be a female but it is just such a turn on for me. I think it’s mostly the way Jack treats me when he is putting the braces on and when he dresses me. Our love making goes for hours because of all the wonderfull rituals involved.

Just then the phone rang. I am handcuffed so I have to pick up the phone with both hands. It’s Chantel. She is asking if Jack and I want to go out for dinner, no business allowed. She want’s us to meet Oscar, her new boyfriend. I told her that Jack had just put the braces on me and I am wearing handcuffs. Chantel told me to loose the handcuffs but keep the braces because she is in braces too. Jack says it’s OK with him, he really is hungry too. Chantel is vital to our business and she has become a good and true friend too. We can go on with the important business at hand later. We are going to meet at the Somner House Resturant on Four Mile Road

Chapter Ten

It is just a short trip from my home to the Somner House restaurant. I am quite used to being out and about in my Milwaukee but the leg braces seem a bit strange. I have never been out in them before. It’s not that I don’t enjoy wearing them because at least at some level, deep inside, I do. It’s just that with the Milwaukee they seem to be a bit too much. Jack is leaving me off at the door and will park the truck. I have to turn in the seat, let myself down, grab my crutches, and stand up to allow the knee locks to catch and make my legs ridged. It’s not all that complicated but it is harder than not having the leg braces to contend with. Chantel is standing, on crutches and waiting. She can’t stand up at all without her leg braces, and crutches. Poor thing. Well, as always I am glad to see her no matter what condition either of us is in. They have just arrived too. Oscar must be parking her van.

“Hi Chantel” I say as Jack pulls away. “Fancy meeting you here”.

Chantel mechanically replies. “We just got here.” — Then suddenly interested and with a brand new smile adds. “I see you are in your leg braces”.

“If you can do it, I can do it”.

“The reason I wore mine is because Somner House doesn’t have a Wheel chair ramp. The last time I was here I had to be bounced up and down the steps in the chair. I just hate that. I really hurts me with this god damned halo thing screwed into my head”.

I say “It’s only four steps”. With that I turned slightly to square myself to the steps, reach down to release the knee lock and put my foot on the step.

Then Chantel nearly shouts. “Hell no! You can’t do that”.

“What?” I asked – surprised to have the very mild mannered Chantel shouting at me.

“I said that you can’t do that. It’s just not fair”. She continues.

I have to ask. “Why not?”

Chantel answers. “Because I can’t, that’s why. Being in leg braces is more than just getting to go out in comfortable shoes. Some things are just a little harder to do. Your legs can’t work when your in braces. It just isn’t fair at all. Hell, my legs never work.”

“OK, OK, OK, don’t get your undies in a bundle, I’ll be fair”. With that I take my foot off the step and allow the lock to catch so that I can’t bend my leg. I put both crutches up on the step, lean forward, and use my arms and shoulders to pull myself up on the first step.

Chantel laughs and says. “See, don’t you feel more like an honest gimp now? Isn’t that better?

I reply. “No, and it isn’t better. It’s hard to do and it pulls on all the straps on the Milwaukee and hurts me.”

“You ought to try it in the Halo. You would just love it. Come on let’s do the next one now.”

Just then I hear a male voice behind us. “Looks like you lovely ladies have got it all under control here”

Neither one of us can turn to see him. I feel his hand on my back in a reassuring way as I go up the last step.

Chantel says. “Hi Oscar, this is Sharon, I told you about her, She’s the big boss at work.”

I say. “I am glad that you find my being the big boss so intimidating.” Then I add “Good to finally meet you Oscar, I have heard a lot about you”.

He is in front of us now so that we don’t need to turn to see him and says. “All good I trust”.

I answer. “Oh hell yes, well mostly good anyway.”

Then I hear Jack. “Well now, I see the gangs all here. Shall we go in.?

We are escorted to our table and I can’t help but notice the usual attentive staring and that little murmur we seem to always hear when we first arrive at any public place dressed in braces. We then sit down and order drinks. I have to think that I can’t have too much to drink. Being drunk in this bracing set up would probably be fatal going back down those damn steps. I know that, in our braces, any unsavory drunken behavior would be more quickly noticed and more harshly judged than the average non-braced person would be subjected to as well.

The Somner House menu is spectacular. It has something wonderful for about anybody. We can all order just what we want. I can pick up the tab because it is a very legitimate business expense to take my most valued employee and her date to a dinner. We simply don’t have the ability anymore to see each other without discussing business, we just have too much going on all the time. Chantel has a surprise for me. She invites me to the ladies room. This must be important. She has no control over bowel or bladder and wears a catheter and a diaper all the time. We both excuse ourselves, get up and slowly crutch our way to the powder room.

Once in, I know we must be in a bathroom because I can hear a toilet running.

Chantel says “I don’t want Oscar to know how much money I make.

Don’t say anything that will give away my position with Gleason Properties OK?”

I answer “Well, OK. You know the truth is that you are badly under paid. Even with your bonus you are not up to average pay for a corporate controller of a company the size of ours. We need to address that. I don’t want you to go someplace else, I would be lost. It would cost me a fortune to replace you.”

Chantel replies “In my neighborhood a hundred and forty K last year is a fortune.” She pauses, then continues. “Look, my physical condition is terrible, Oscar seems to really like me, we really are getting serious. I need to know that he isn’t after my money.”

I have to answer. “You are an attractive woman.”

Chantel cuts me off with “Oh please, don’t give me that crap. I’m a pathetic wretch. I’m in a diaper for Christ sake. I can’t even care for myself without help.” A tear forms in her eye as she continues. “I don’t have a hell of a lot to offer any man. I just don’t know what he see’s in me, but I am glad that he see’s something. I just don’t want that something to be my money. I want that to be a surprise after we are married. Just tell him I am your secretary OK?”

I answer. “OK, OK, … I, I guess. —- I will try to make office gossip and small talk. We do have office gossip you know.” I point to the mirror and continue. “We are not the only weirdo’s that work for Gleason Properties, in fact I seem to draw oddballs to me.” with a bit more of a pause and a smile I add. “Do you think it has anything to do with my lifestyle?”

Chantel replies. “Your life style could draw almost anything.”

Just then the door opened and an extraordinarily attractive young blond chick entered — wearing a Milwaukee brace! She is shorter than I am, is poorly dressed and her hair is a bit messy. She has bigger boobs than I have, I don’t see that very much. Good lord!! Theyre are three of us, in braces, – in one place. Jack will be an animal tonight.

To my surprise the young blond seems to know me. “Sharon, my god, I haven’t seen you in years” She said, then continued. “And Chantel.” Then she paused, looked me over and added. “My, oh my. You are truly decked out tonight”

“How do you know my name?” I have to ask.

“Oh I’m sorry – I forgot” she said gesturing with her hand. “The shooting. You couldn’t know me, but you almost knew me very, very well.” She paused and pointed at herself. “I’m JoAnna. We were going to kind of, you know, trade places. Then the God damned shooting happened and changed everything.”

I ask. “How did you know we are here?”

“I didn’t” she answered. “I work here, I wash dishes and do light maintenance and cleanup. …. I hate it, but it’s a job. I like the maintenance part, you know, fixing things. I’m here to fix the leaky toilet. I’m good at that kind of stuff too.”

I observe. “With your looks you should be a waitress, you would get lots of tips.”

She grabs the front post of her Milwaukee and says. “Sure, and if I can ever get out of this damned thing someone may hire me.”

“It can’t be that bad” I reply.

“It’s that bad. You wear yours for fun and to turn your husband on. I wear mine for deformity and pain. I hate it. — You know my history. If I wasn’t in this thing I would be a man by now and could do the kind of work that I want to do. I could live the life I want to live.”

“Are you still involved with the transplant program?”

“Oh yes, but that damned old man Ellis”

I cut her off with a shocked “Old man, old man Ellis!!”

“OK, OK, Dr. Ellis. … Anywise he gives all the candidates shock treatments. Like, I mean, he makes them wear casts and braces before surgery, your the only one that survived it. Then the shooting happened. I wasn’t among the dead and wounded, hell I wasn’t even there, but I am a victim too.” She paused and started to sound wistful as she continued. “Their have been six candidates. Ellis put five of them in casts or braces and after a few weeks they changed their minds. One of them had never gone out in public as a woman, two weeks in skirts, heels, and a bra made a real man out of him. What a looser that one was.”

She worked as she talked. First removing the lid from the water closet, then pushing down on the float to bend the float arm. As she did this she continued. “That ought to do it. I rebuilt the other one last week. I think this one needs it too but they wont give me money for anything until it fails. I hate that. I am responsible for maintenance but things break all the time because they can’t seem to find time to do simple preventative things. Of course their is always time and money to do an emergency, half assed, rebuild after it breaks.”

Chantel interrupts her with. “Are you open to another job? Perhaps one that doesn’t involve dishes?” She is digging in her purse as she continues. “We can use good, light maintenance people in our business. Oh yes and the brace doesn’t bother us a bit.”

JoAnna replies. “Another job would be great for me. I hate dishes. I have started using paper plates at home. I live in one of your buildings too. You know, Sheltered Arms ….. over on Pine street in the city. ”

With that Chantel produced her business card and handed it to JoAnna as she said. “Oh that rat trap. It needs heavy maintenance. Should start with a match. Can you come out to our table?”

“I shure can. I’m off work in a few minutes. I, I can see you then.”

With that she turned and walked out.

I look at chantel and say. “Don’t you think that hiring somebody at a restaurant will blow your cover as an underling?”

She answers. “That’s what I keep you around for. You can do it.”

“No I can’t” I answered.

“Why not?”

“Because at the last board meeting you decided that all hiring for maintenance has to go through Kenny, the maintenance manager. Remember? You didn’t like the last one that I hired.”

Chantel answers. “He was an idiot.” She tapped me on the head and continued. “Your smart, you’ll think of something, I have faith in you. I just can’t allow you to hire any more idiots.”

Changing the subject I have to say. “Well were here, in the necessary room and I need to go. Can I use the toilet when I’m with you? Would that be, you know fair?”

“Oh if you must. I did an enima before we came out so I am on empty”

“Now that’s really too much information.”

Chantel added. “Well hurry up. We need to get back to our dates. Don’t let those leg braces slow you down.”

They did. More braces mean more effort for anything. I don’t even fit on a toilet seat right with the metal bands around my thighs. My panty hose are under the braces so I can’t even pull them down the way I need to. It’s a good thing that I enjoy this, you know wearing braces stuff or it would be very difficult. Again I feel for Chantel every day. It is just awful for her. Her life would be better if she could somehow just use a toilet. These braces make it harder for me but I do have a choice.

Business done we face the daunting task of crutching back to our table. Upon our arrival Jack says. “Well, they look the same.”

Oscar added. “I wonder what they did in there.” Then he looked at Jack and continued. “Would you be my bathroom buddy?”

“Hell no” was Jacks un-hesitating answer.

Oscar lovingly helped Chantel sit down and Jack handled the chairs for both of us and we are back to normal. Seated at a fine restaurant. At least since we have money, that’s normal.

We sat and made small talk. I find the braces un-comfortable when I’m sitting. The metal bands on my thighs hurt my legs. They feel like big lumps on the chair. One of the things that came up in conversation was work. Since I am trying to avoid office work topics for Chantel and me I need to change the subject, I remember my days as a machinist. Since Oscar says he is a machinist I tried to talk to him about the technical side of doing the work. It seems strange because he is certainly a smart man, but he seems to know little about his job and is trying to avoid the subject of work at least as much as I am. Chantel is talking about life with her disability – she never seems to do that, but she is now, and Jack is uncharacteristically quiet. He must be simply enjoying his meal. The group seems, other than Jack, to eat little and talk much I don’t know how long we have been here but time is marching on. I need an excuse to stand up and get off the metal bands on my braces, so I excuse myself again and powder my nose. When I get back the waiter is at the table with a wonderful dessert tray. I decline dessert but the others all order chocolate something or anothers. JoAnna had slipped my mind, but she came to our table as she said she would but is now cleaned up and a bit better dressed. Jack and Oscar both seemed interested in the young blonde chick with the Milwaukee brace. Who could blame them she is striking with or without the brace on.

JoAnna bends forward a bit to look Oscar in the eye, smiles and says “Doctor Mabrey” Then she hesitates a bit and adds. “I will have another payment for you next week – I, I promise”

Oscar just smiles and says “I don’t even know which patients owe me money. That is my book keeper’s problem. How are you doing? I should see you again soon. We should assess the need for continued treatment.”

Chantel, sounding a bit shocked nearly shouts. “Doctor? – Doctor Maybrey.

You never told me you were a doctor. Hell no – you lied to me. Why do you need to lie to me? Don’t you trust me? I just thought you didn’t like to talk about work. Why did you lie to me? Why don’t you trust me? What do you think I am?

JoAnna very quickly says “Oh, oh. I am sorry. I didn’t mean….”

Chantel cuts her off with “That’s OK honey. I need to know if a man is lying to me”

Oscar defends himself with. “I am sorry hon. I was going to tell you soon. You have to see that since I am a Doctor I have a good income. I don’t want you to like me for my money. I love you and it would just kill me to find out that you wanted my money more than you want me.”

“What do you think I am” chantel continued – “a damn gold digger?”

“No” Oscar answered “It’s just….”

I cut him off with. “Chantel, do you have anything you would like to tell the Doctor about your job?

“Hell no, I’m a woman. That’s different.”

I ask her. “Do you really think it’s a lot different?”

“Well” Then Chantel starts to laugh. “I guess it’s not a lot different” Then she put her hands on her hips, looked very serious and said. “But I’m not going to tell you how much I make.”

Oscar says “That’s good. I don’t care how much you make or even if your employed at all.”

I see the opportunity to end this with. “Hi Joanna. Glad you could come out to see us. Remember what we were talking about? We do offer full medical benefits and if my VP in charge of finance, slash, Corporate Controller here.” I point to Chantel. “can work it out, your Doctor bill could be a sign on bonus”. Then I point at JoAnna, I guess I am good at pointing, and continue. “Please do come to our office this week, we really need good people on our staff. And, Oh yes, we have a lot to talk about on a personal level too”.

JoAnna answers. “I can be their next Tuesday morning if that’s OK.”

Then Chantel informs her. “That will be excellent. Kenny Kozcinski, our maintenance manager. He will be in the office then too. He can talk to you as well.”

JoAnna turns toward Oscar in the stiff way that brace wearers do and tells him. “I can never thank you enough for getting me out of that awful cast, I don’t know how much more of that thing I could stand. I, I was getting to be in horrible condition in it.”

Oscar replies. “It was clearly well past time to remove it and go on to a brace. The cast is counterproductive because of the impossibility of exercising in it. This is not a good thing for a young person.”

“Well my mother thought that, that having me in the cast was great. I couldn’t do, do anything, like I mean I could hardly get around at all. I just, you know, just wasn’t any trouble for her that way. And, and we, I mean I, I didn’t have any money to pay for service.”

Oscar replies. “Your mother isn’t a very good doctor. You are a very good patient. You may well be in very good shape soon. You need to call and make another appointment. I can’t do anything without a few simple tests but you are at an age where it may be useful to modify your treatment regimen considerably.”

I’m, I’m nineteen, you know, like nineteen and two months.”

“Well missy nineteen and two months come see me so we can talk about it.”

“I promise, I can call your office Tuesday too, OK?”

“That would be good.”

I notice that Jack is staring at her so I say. “Like the young ones now?”

He replies. “Just the really pretty ones” and looks in another direction.

I have to think that it must be hard on him. JoAnna really is a knockout. The shooting really did change a lot of things. I could have been her, wow nineteen years old too. Oh what the hell I’m doing pretty good as I am. I benefited from all kinds of miracles I’m lucky just to be alive after all that has happened.

JoAnna just gave a little nervous laugh and said. “I, I think I better go now.”

Then she hesitated and nervously added. “Thank you all. I will see you next, next Tuesday” then she turned and walked out the door. For such a pretty girl she walks like a clown. God! what a thing to think of. Here I am in braces from my feet to my chin. I walk kind of funny too.

Chapter Eleven

My week end was wonderful. Good friends, good times, and good sex too. It would be hard to imagine a better lifestyle for me or for anyone else for that matter. I have been free of braces since Monday morning and am enjoying my newly found comfort and freedom. Of course, without the braces it is my bra that gives me problems, well at least the little problems, that all large breasted women live with. After all, I did want to be a woman and except for periods and under wired brassieres I love being a real woman. I love it because I just have more fun with clothes, make up, shoes, hair, sex, and just, well just with myself and all that is me than I ever did as a man.

It’s Tuesday morning and I need to make a decision on what to do with the Four Mile Road Center property. It is still profitable but the trend is clear that it will soon be a looser. Chantel is running the numbers for me and will have a recommendation soon. I seem to be being double billed for some repair work that was done at the good old sheltered arms property. It is so bad that legitimate contractors are not even interested in quoting needed work. This is something to be proud of / NOT. What a pit!! I probably need to pay the double bill just so next time I need that roof repaired I will be able to find some slob who will do it. If it wasn’t for the good people that live there I would have it bulldozed. I can’t ever make any money on it, it is so bad that I can’t fix it, and I can’t rebuild it because if I do the people that live there will not be able to afford the rent and will have no place to go.

My desk top phone rings and I am informed that I have a visitor. JoAnna is here for her interview. I should just let Kenny handle this for me but the truth is that I want to see her and talk to her. I am not just going to eat her time, the job offer is for real too.

JoAnna has cleaned up rather well. She looks like all business, even in the brace, she is, as was once promised to me, a real knock out. Too bad she doesn’t want to be a girl. Perhaps now that she has grown up to movie star good looks she can change her mind.

I speak first, after all I am the big boss around here. “Good morning, I am so glad you decided to interview with Price-Gleason properties.”

“Thank you” she answered with a very attractive smile. “I am certain that I can be of service to your company as a light maintenance person. I am good with painting, wall papering, wall patching and light carpentry like molding and interior repair.”

I have to ask. “How did you get your experience?”

“I took wood shop in high school, I did a lot of the work at Somner House, you know where we ran into each other and I fixed the things that my mothers boy friends broke when they got drunk “.

I still need to ask. “Have you had any other training that will help you in this position?”

“I had auto shop in school too and an electrical wiring class.”

I guess I am kind of cutting her off but it is important that I ask. “Are you willing to take training that the company would arrange for you?”

“I will think of any training that I can get as an opportunity and will give my best to it. Well you know my history, I’ve spent most of my life in traction frames and body casts, I have a lot of catching up to do.”

I need to inform her. “Our maintenance people belong to the electrical workers local 4031. After ninety days you will need to join them. These are good people and I have a good relationship with them. Your union dues will be sixty eight dollars the first month that you join and thirty four dollars a month after that. The union offers training in electrical work and if you go in that direction you can earn a card. The card will recognize you as an electrician and I will have to pay you the top rate”

“That sounds good”.

I continue. “We can start you at fourteen an hour. After you are in the union you will get a raise to fifteen and health, dental, and disability benefits. After one year you can join our retirement program. I have had a staff member contact Doctor Mabry’s office, she tells me that you have an eight thousand dollar bill outstanding. The Doctor will accept a cash settlement of three thousand dollars as full payment. When you start I will pay that for you. If you are still here at Price-Gleason after two years you will owe us nothing. If you leave for any reason before the two years is up you will owe me the three thousand. This is unusual but according to my lawyers it is legal and I can do it.”

She answered, not sounding professional anymore. “Well, well, thank you, I, I, mean that it sounds good to me. Ah, oh, gee, when can I start? and what do I work on?

I answer. “You can see Kenny, our maintenance manager at Sheltered Arms apartments Monday at eight o’clock. He has a bit of painting for you. Now that the roof is fixed the whole building can use it.” I am talking to her about work but I can’t help thinking that I should be in my brace too. I really feel a little naked without it. Oh well, she hates hers, probably too much of a good thing. What a waste, this little chickie should be starting her modeling or movie career not painting a dilapidated apartment building. If I had been put into her body that’s what I would do. Use those remarkable good looks. Even in the brace I’m sure I could do something with that face and figure. What I have serves me very, very well, but she outshines me by quite a lot.

JoAnna interrupts my thought by asking if she can use the phone to call Doctor Mabry’s office. She makes her appointment for Thursday, next week at three in the afternoon.

We talked a little about the personal stuff like what may have been and how I did with the transplant operation and my new life. She reminds me a lot of how I was – just mixed up, not wanting to date as a girl because it just felt, well for lack of a better word queer. She still hopes for a transplant but will go the conventional road to sexual reassignment after the brace comes off and she can establish herself as an adult.

I had to mention a few other job requirements to her before the meeting could end. JoAnna agreed to all, signed her papers and started as promised. All rather uneventful. When she completed her first week on the job Kenny reported that she is a good worker and competent far beyond her age and experience.

Chantel came up with a new plan for the Four Mile Road Center. Boy did she come up with a plan. A larger commercial property next to it is for sale. We can buy it and the two will then be big enough to rebuild and modernize the two into one new, enclosed mall. We can then attract a better mix of stores for the new demographics of the surrounding area.

We were able to put it all together in ten months and now we need to do a TV add campaign. The new demographic study suggest the area is now mostly fashion conscious young people. We need a young attractive spokes person to get their attention.

Somehow being cheap seems to go along with being rich. The remodeling cost millions but I don’t really want to pay the price of a celebrity for the add campaign. Chantel and I put our heads together and both came up with the same idea. Let’s try JoAnna.

JoAnna is now a union construction worker and loves it, at least that’s what Kenny Kocinski tells us. Kenny will arrange for a meeting tomorrow in my office.

The morning arrives early, just like it does every day. JoAnna shows up as expected. She is still in her brace, other than that she looks pretty much like the other construction workers.

“JoAnna I need to ask something special of you. We are starting a TV add campaign for the remodeled center on Four Mile Road. The add agency will try you for our spokes person if you will agree.”

She answers. “I have never done anything like that in my life, never even thought of it.”

“With your looks and voice it just seems right to try”

She grabs the front upright with her hand and asks. “What about this thing? Doctor Mabrey says I still need to wear it full time. I may need better than another year full time in it and then a year or two of therapy and part time use before I can be out of it”.

“Well I don’t know, perhaps the photographers can hide it some how”.

She continues. “Well nothing else can hide it, I can give it a try, but I, I can’t promise a thing. When do I do this.?”

“Meet me and Chantel here Monday at eight thirty, come dressed to look your best. Would you feel better if I were in a brace too?.” I know it’s self serving to ask but it could help her just a little.

JoAnna replies. “I don’t know, It may help. I’ll need all the help I can get. This is all going to be new to me.”

Monday came, well it just seemed to come a bit too quickly. The Four Mile Center has been renamed the Parkway West Mall and it turned out to be just beautiful. That doesn’t mean it will make any money but it sure looks good and we have more than two dozen new businesses opening up with it. This is the most involved that I have ever been with a development.

JoAnna arrived, looking fabulous, I don’t think that clothes make the woman but her usual construction worker stuff certainly hides a lot. Chantel wants to drive. Her van is very well equipped for her. The wheel chair lift takes up a the center of the van. Usually when Chantel insists on driving someplace I sit next to her in the front but that would leave JoAnna alone in all the way to the back so I sit in the back with her. Her long blond hair and the top she chose nearly hides the brace but like she said nothing really hides it. I am wearing my Milwaukee this morning too and of course Chantel’s halo thing is just part of her. When we pulled into the Parkway parking lot we see that the truck for the production crew has already arrived so we don’t go to the office. Chantel has been dealing with them so she pulled up along side the truck and talked to Jerry Stein the director of this thing. Our advertising guy Bob Redmund is here too. They get out of their truck along with three other people that I have never seen before. JoAnna and I get out too. Jerry, talking to me now says. “I think we have developed a good plan for your TV campaign. We will do six separate spots with the same person fronting. Bob showed you the lines and sketches but that script is just something to build on. We will start with the plan but do what we need to make it work OK”.

I answer “That’s why we hired you, when I saw your work, it looked like the best around. Now it’s my turn to need a really good campaign.”

He looked at JoAnna and asked. “This the meat?”

I answered trying to sound offended, well at least diplomatically offended. “I think of her as a valuable employee”

Jerry continues, obviously not offended. “Let’s get her on tape and see what we have to work with.” He again looked at JoAnna and says “Loose the hardware honey and we can start, there’s a changing area in the truck if you need privacy.”

JoAnna looking a bit frustrated has to answer. “I can’t loose the damn hardware, it comes with the kit.”

Jerry pauses and says. “Well let’s see what the camera thinks.” He hands her a small piece of paper and says. “OK, just stand here in front of the truck and say this, Try to sound like you mean it, are among friends, and are happy to be here.”

With that he backs away from her as one of his people adjusts a camera and is getting ready to shoot. Jerry then asks “One word answer honey OK ? Have you ever done this before?”

“No I”

Jerry cuts her off with “I didn’t think so. Just do this as if you were talking with some friends or family, you know somebody you like.” He turns to the guy with the camera and says. “Ready Mark?

Mark answers “Ready”

The other two people, a man and a woman are both facing JoAnna too. Jerry then orders. “OK honey, just start when your ready.”

JoAnna breaks into a big smile and very naturally but enthusiasctaly delivers her one simple line. “My friends are meeting me at the all new Parkway West.” Then on her own she quickly adds. “You should come along too. We all want to meet you”

Then Jerry orders her to walk toward the camera, she does as told, then he orders her to turn and walk away. she does that too. He has her stand to both sides with her face toward the camera, something difficult to do in a Milwaukee but she seems to pose quite naturally. I can’t help but think how really great she looks just as she is, in the brace.

Jerry simply says. “That’ll do it, thanks honey”

With that, and without another word they all went back in the rather impressive truck without inviting any of us. Chantel had found her way out of her van by now and the three of us just waited for about ten minutes. I have to say this feels rather stupid. We didn’t even talk to each other, we just waited. Finally they emerged from their shelter, Jerry first and talking. “Honey we need a name for you.”

“I’m JoAnna”

He turned to me and asked. “Do you represent her?”

“Well yes I guess so, I am her employer.”

“So I can contact her through you and you can set up and approve contracts as needed. The camera loves her and that, that thing that she wears works too. I mean the camera really loves her. I am going to call an acting coach to come here and help her with her lines. Linda here” he pointed to the only woman in his crew. “Will do her hair and we are going to put her in a better outfit. JoAnna if you will follow Linda into her parlor she will do you OK?”

JoAnna looked at me and just said “Oh boy, I hope I can pull this off for you.”

Jerry continues with. “Linda I can’t hide the damned hardware so show it off, low front and low back, short hair, I want to see it below her top too so the camera can see what it looks like at the midriff. If it works out we will use it like a mysterious piece of sexy underwear OK? Hell you always know what to do. I love the way she moves but the heels have to go, I know she will walk better in flats, oh and give me seams, and I want to see the top of her stockings and a garter when she sits. That will de-emphasize the brace some.”

JoAnna and Linda disappear into the truck and Jerry turns his attention to me.

“I think I want to see what you look like too. I may be able to use another woman in that brace thing or whatever it is that you people are wearing. Do we have some kind of an epidemic or something happening here? Oh yes, and lets try the one in the chair too, ah Chantel, that’s her name. You know a model is anybody that the camera likes. The camera likes JoAnna quite a lot”

We both agree to the pictures and we are run through the same routine as JoAnna was, except of course Chantel rolled around in her chair instead of walking.

He again went in the truck to look at his pictures and came out to talk to us. He looked at me first and said. “I don’t know your name honey but”

“Sharon Price-Gleason” I informed him.

“Oh good” He continues. “I thought so, well, I can use you sort of in the back ground maybe even a small speaking part to support JoAnna.” Then he turned to Chantel. “Chantel honey you look real nice to me and to everyone that you meet, but the camera has no taste, she doesn’t seem to need you in this format.”

Chantel answered. “I never saw myself as the model type, you know being black, lame, and now ugly just doesn’t give me much to sell.” We all laughed a bit nervously and she added. “Just call me Miss Lady Lucky”

She passed it off with a smile but I know rejection always hurts.

It took four days of physically and mentally exhausting work to complete the six minutes of video that was produced. I never had any idea of how much went into this sort of thing. Jerry hired another model to support us and put her in a brace too. He wanted to borrow Chantel’s until he found out that it was actually screwed into her skull. He looked like he was going to get sick when she showed him the pins. We got another Milwaukee from Shepard Ortho. The model didn’t fight it at all. In fact she seemed to enjoy the unusual garment. Linda, remember Jerry’s assistant and as it turned out his wife, fixed us all up for the camera. She put bow ties on the braces for one shot and red jewels on the uprights for another. In one shot JoAnna was talking on her cell phone then hung it on her brace when she finished. They made the braces cute and useful. I never saw that before, I don’t think anybody else has either. It all worked rather well. In one scene they photographed JoAnna from the back with a small part of the brace showing. From behind the brace is split in the center, kind of like our anatomy is. I didn’t think much of it when they did it but when we played it back it was very sexy on the monitor. The girls, including me walk differently in Milwaukee braces than without them. Jerry used his tremendous talent to show that in a very sexy way too. Of course what this was all about is to sell my little shopping center to a public that had gotten used to going other places to buy things. The video’s do that very well too. The women in braces just seem to make it more interesting, and hopefully more attention getting than other adds. In the end he even used Chantel in the background of one shot. It didn’t do much for the spot but Chantel was thrilled.

Bob Redmund practically did a back flip when he saw the video’s. He said these may be the best he has ever had to work with. It’s all up to him now. He has to put these things on the air where they will be seen by the right people and hopefully make the Parkway into a success.

For me, JoAnna, and Chantel our modeling careers are over. I had meetings I had to go to Friday but JoAnna and Chantel took a much needed long week end.

Chapter Twelve

How does it feel to be right? I certainly don’t know. Oh my modeling career is over. It’s really so totally over. Jack was more upset with me than he ever has been. He wasn’t just upset that he puts me in one of our bondage toys. He was, doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t touch me, doesn’t look at me and doesn’t want dinner, pissed off. I never thought that appearing in my own TV commercials would bother him but it certainly did. The only other time I saw him even a little like this was about two years ago when he asked me to hike up my bra straps and I told him to try it on it for a while to see what it is like. Well their is no transsexual in him. He actually got mad at me for suggesting it. People are very, very different from each other. Even if they are married and truly love each other.

Now that he is all pissed off at me I realize how much I have grown to love him and value our relationship in the few years since my UN-timely transplant into my friends body and more profoundly into my friends life.

JoAnna’s modeling career, however is so totally not over. When the managers of the businesses involved in the Parkview project saw the previews of the TV spots several of them wanted her for their print adds too. Two of them wanted me as well, at least if I would do it cheap or free. That’s not going to happen, I think Jack will seriously consider divorce if I model again, but Chantel, you know Chantel “The Brains” Bains, is charging One Hundred Twenty Five an hour for JoAnna. Their is so much demand that Chantel has hired three other models. I am in the modeling agency business weather I like it or not.

A month ago when I did the TV spots Jack got upset with me. He was about over it but the campaign kicked off last night and now It is all over television and the newspapers. He knew it was going to happen but he is not a happy camper right now. Hopefully we will not need to run the TV spots very long and all this will pass, at least at home.

For now I am in my office brooding over my personal problems and reality

comes wheeling in with Chantel’s face on it.

“We have been getting calls all morning asking about the posture post’s and steel collars that the models are wearing in the adds. People want to buy them. I called Shepard and they can supply twelve of them now and about two or three a day after.”

I have to look at her and reply. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Chantel answered excitedly. “Braces, they want to wear braces”

“What?”

Chantel continues on. “Milwaukee braces are now a fashion statement.”

“Go home, … get some sleep. The fever will go down and you will feel better in the morning.”

Chantel now getting louder and is about as animated as someone that is paralyzed from the chest down can get, keeps going with. “No, this is for real, all the stores are getting requests. They don’t know what they are, but customers are asking for them.” I think I am sitting with my mouth open and nothing coming out as Chantel continues. “You like wearing your brace don’t you?……. Well, don’t you?”

” …. I’m a fruit cake”

Chantel, debating me now, answers. “That’s a fact, but you are in heels, and you have always worn bras that poke and hurt you because you like the way you look in them. You were born a man, looked at the other side, tried it out, liked the way you looked, and chose to wear heel’s the rest of your life and the rather uncomfortable bra didn’t you?”

“I’m a nut case. My Primary care physician is a shrink, you know Doctor Ellis, the head of psychiatry at the university.”

Chantel, ignoring what I have just said as usual continues. “If they like the way they look in them, they will wear them. We can make them cheaper, a lot cheaper with production methods. You are a Tool Maker.”

“No I’m not, I was just a machinist, and not a very good one either.”

Chantel, sounding like the veg-a-matic sales lady just goes on. “Well you know more about mechanical things than I do, you know we can make them cheaper. I am selling the ones Shepard has for One Sixty.”

I think Chantel has finally lost it so I have to say. “Now your the nut case. One Sixty, ……they cost Fourteen Hundred dollars. Now your going to wheel yourself over to see Doctor Ellis for some serious counseling, your supposed to be my accountant and my financial advisor. You could replace me as the good doctor’s favorite nut case if you keep this up.”

“Hell yes, I am your financial advisor” She continues. “But I’m no nut case. My advice to you is, first serve the market with what ever it takes to do it, then we ramp up production and live very well off the profits. You have invented the newest fashion necessity.”

“I think it was somebody named Doctor Blount that invented the Milwaukee brace a rather long time ago and I’m certain that fashion was the farthest thing from his mind.”

Chantel answers. “I don’t know the history but now theyre, um, you know, Posture Corsets and every woman in the world needs one. If we don’t do this someone else will. Your little friend JoAnna is headed for super star status and she looks so good in the, ah, Posture Corset that every one will want one.”

“What?” I think I am going into a new place in my mind that actually has nothing to say.

Chantel having no such problem continues on. “Look, every time we air a spot we get calls for JoAnna to model, she has been in demand since the first print add was run two weeks ago. Now people are asking for the thing that she is wearing, the stores want them in stock. Shepard has had a request for one too, just for style. We are not that easy to find, the demand is for real out there. I am certain that every request we actually receive is only one of hundreds of buyers. If we move on this now we can have the market. Others will recognize it soon. If we are in first, we will sell the most. It’s that simple. Move on this means that you are not to be seen in public without your, you know, your posture corset on. You can start by going home, getting into your brace and being seen around the Parkway. JoAnna is busy but I have three models that I can send in to just walk around and be seen. The traffic in the facility is high because of the adds. This will work out very well if we give it a chance.”

“God, your serious about this aren’t you.” I say, kind of in shock. “Nobody could have predicted this.” I paused for a moment and added. “Do you think that this can last?”

Chantel answers. “Who knows. If it does I want the market for us. Shepard Ortho has more braces at other locations that we can have in the next few days. They are inventorying them now for us. Oh who is that guy that you know over there?”

I answer. “Dave, David Prost. He manages the store now.”

Chantel recommends. “Let’s see if we can get him to help with design.”

I add “We need a place to work. I know I can make hand bending fixtures quickly, maybe today if I start on them now, you know just to get us going. If we can’t keep up then we can get the ball rolling for slide press tooling. David can make us plastic girdle molds for various waist sizes, oh probably in two inch increments, you know, like twenty two, twenty four, twenty six, and on up. The metal parts can be all the same, simply provide a lot of adjustment.” I can’t help but think, damn, she has talked me into this madness.

Chantel, sensing victory continues. “I can have Jill find us a suitable vacant property to work in. She wants a posture corset too. Oh yes and she seems pretty strong maybe she can do some of the work for us. Did I tell you that Oscar and I are getting married. We can just….”

I cut her off with. “Married? No wonder you are such a scatter brain today.”

Chantel not caring that I cut her off just goes on. “Just make this work. You take charge of starting the shop and I will go ahead with the sales end. Can you be my maid of honor?”

“I, …… I, .. Certainly, I guess so, in fact I am honored that you thought of me. You know I have a half dozen appointments this afternoon.”

Chantel answers. “Cancel them, get into your brace, by the time you are back here Jill will have found a site for you to start work. Oh yes, and dress to show it off. Use that cute little bow tie you wore for the photo shoot. … And hook your flip phone on it, where it can be seen …. OK? ”

“OK, OK, I get the picture.” I reply as I hurriedly finish signing checks. “I do like wearing my brace, I should have worn it today, I guess I am just a bit lazy in my old age.”

Just then Jill walked in. “I think I have found the place for you.” Chantel must always talk to me last. “We have a left over at Parkway. It was an auto tire and battery operation in the old Murray Center before we took it over. It is vacant, has working phone lines, and hasn’t been redone yet. It’s about thirty six hundred square feet.”

I answer. “Good work. Thank you for your effort. I think I will buzz over there and see what I have.”

Jill replies. “Do you need any help?”

“I am certain I can use all that I can get.”

“Can I come along ?”

Chapter Fourteen – Warning:  Violent, Sexually explicit content!

It took three days to produce our first brace using hand bending methods. Jill asked for it, got it and she loves it. She looks great in it. She looks taller and seems more self confidant. She wears it all day, every day. Now she doesn’t know how she ever got along without it.

I just know that Jill has what it takes to run the production operation. She is functioning as a leader in the shop now and is growing rapidly in confidence and ability.

Today three people showed up to answer our help wanted add. Jill did the interview for me and with just a little luck all three of them will show up for work Monday. Oh yes and thank you, thank you, thank you God, two of them are Afro’s. Chantel is going to have me in a stew pot if I hire only people that look like me. I keep telling her that I am hiring anybody that shows up looking for work. She keeps reminding me that we have one model and one financial controller and all the rest of us are white. She is getting a bit lonely. This was never an issue before, all we had was a small office staff and a few maintenance people but now this, this posture corset thing is going to employ a fair number of people.

In the last ten weeks we have succeeded in producing just over Six Hundred braces, I am told that it is now common to see girls wearing them on the street, I have orders for more than Seven Thousand. It was only the start of the second week before we, well really before Chantel, decided to go with the slide presses. We have five of them. It has taken eight weeks to get them in place. The first one went into normal operation yesterday and the other four will be up and running in the next day or two.

It is Wednesday now, or at least I think it’s Wednesday. I have been working Sixteen and Eighteen hour days, Seven days a week since this thing started. I’m getting a bit fuzzy. I go home at night and drop into bed with Jack but I haven’t talked with him in three weeks. I haven’t had this damn bra off in three weeks. I can’t hook or un-hook it myself because of the injury to my shoulder when I was shot. Jack loves dressing and un-dressing me so it was never a problem before. Right now, after pulling on handles for Twelve hours bending steel, the bra is driving me nuts. Everybody else is going home soon and I will be here alone cleaning up and trying to organize this mess a little so we can continue to work. I am getting desperate.

“Jeanette” Jeanette is one of our first shop employees, not particularly attractive, a bit over weight, and I suppose kind of mousy, the posture corset thing really helps her a lot. “Jeanette honey can you do me a bit of a favor?”

“Sure Misses Gleason.”

I feel like an old bag when one of these twenty something’s calls me Mrs. Gleason but she continues. “What can I do for you?”

She has been working for twelve hours, wants only to go home and it’s “What can I do for you Mrs. Gleason“. Sometimes it’s good to be the boss.

I need to ask her “This bra is driving me banana’s, I can’t reach behind my back because of an old injury, can you un-hook me.”

“Well, ….I, I guess so if that’s what you need. OK, turn around.”

“Oh thank you, your a sweet heart.”

Ah, a small bit of comfort at last. The damn thing is still on me and itching but it isn’t digging in anymore. I would take the brace off too but I think I would just drop over if I did.

It is the work schedule that’s killing me. I should talk to the boss and ask for some time off. Let’s see how that will work. Misses Gleason can I have some time off? – HELL NO!! YOUR NOT DEAD YET SO YOU HAVE TO WORK AND YOU CAN’T QUIT BECAUSE YOU OWN THE GOD DAMNED PLACE. I guess that settles that. The truth is I’m even crazier than people think I am. I have always talked to myself but now I’m yelling back answers.

The addition of the slide presses means two things. One production can be done much more efficiently, and two I am out of floor space. Their was an outdoor annex next to the garage where they used to sell garden stuff. I am having a roof put on it and that will add to the size of the shop. The presses will produce the metal parts for over a hundred posture corsets an hour. I need to do plastic molding too at a much faster pace . I have no idea of how to do that but I have found a contractor who does and they will be up and running next week. It’s all coming together now. That’s a good thing too. I can’t possibly keep up these hours and neither can my employees. This thing has to normalize soon or it will fail. It’s time to talk to a couple of people about other responsibilities. I need to organize just a bit. It’s time to run this thing like a real company and not an over blown hobby.

First, Dave’s wife, remember the girl that he hooked up with after the shooting. He married her. At the time I didn’t think much of her. She isn’t good looking and I thought she was kind of a zero. I never had much contact with them after I became Sharon. ( Oh God, it still seems odd to think about how I got here. ) In fact I only saw her a couple of times at the Ortho shop. It turned out that she was available to work for me and David brought her in as an employee. The second week on the job she showed up wearing a brace, an old one that David had made for her. She had added a few things to it. She had her name “Brianna” engraved on it, a spiked dog collar attached to the neck ring, and a large broach attached to the front upright. It looked good on her but she had never worn it in public. She is always full of ideas for how to make the posture corsets look better or at least more interesting. Since this is a fashion item and no longer a medical item we are going to need that. I am asking her to devote one day a week to experimenting with the appearance of the PCs.

We have enough people now that I need a shop leader. Jill, my first Price – Gleason Manufacturing employee seems like the natural choice. I need to talk to her before she leaves for the night.

“Jill, it seems to me that you enjoy your job here. Is that true?”

“Well, yes I do, thank you, I think I am good at it too.”

“you certainly are”

Jill is wearing her brace as always and it just seems proper that she does. In fact it has become just part of the scenery that nearly all of the girls here are wearing their braces, sorry again, that is posture corsets. It is surprising to me how quickly this has happened and how well the girls have adjusted to the discipline imposed by their newly adopted fashion foundation.

I need to continue on with. “I don’t know if this operation is here to stay but I do know that it is growing very fast. You seem to me to be the best person that I have for the supervisor job. You are acting in a leadership role now because the others are asking you how to do things and they are getting answers”

“I am doing the best that I can” she answered.

“Do you believe in what we are doing. That is, do you think that the posture corset that we produce is a good thing?”

“Well” She starts a lot of sentences with well. “I love mine. I have never looked better. I feel taller in it. My boy friend thinks I am sexy in it too, I really like that. I can kind of rest in the thing and not, you know, not look like I am, well, not feel like I am wilting. A couple of my friends have started wearing posture corsets too and they feel the same way about them. I think that girls who don’t wear one are weird”

That is what I wanted to hear. I think she can commit to this so I continue on. “I never actually worked with you at the office but Chantel tells me that you were a great assistant to her. I need you for a shop manager here. We will, I mean Chantel will adjust your pay and benefits to suit your new job, she knew I was going to ask you about this yesterday”.

Jill paused and thought for just a moment and answered. “Well, that would be great. I will need some management classes at university, but I can do this, and I can do it now. I know Chantel will be fair with me too. ….. Well Thank you, thank you for your trust.”

“Can you take an hour or two now to go over the paper work with me. My system is a bit crude but it will develop with time into something much better than it is ”

Jill answers with a big smile. “I can do that”

With that we sat down to my desk. When I opened my E-mail I got a bit of good news from Chantel. She has found an office manager for this operation. In fact she will show up tomorrow and Chantel will be here too. That will be a major step forward. I showed Jill the paper work as it is now. It just seems like the right thing to do.

I finally found a cleaning contractor and they are starting next Monday night. That doesn’t do me any good today but going home when everybody else does will do me a world of good next week. With Jill gone home I can start my clean up work. God I hate this job. It’s just too much. I guess that any business start up is like this and needs someone has to live and breathe for it until things can go to normal operation. That should happen next week. Then if we can find just a few more people I can cut hours down to about fifty a week and everybody involved, including me, can live a modestly normal life.

It’s nearly midnight. I am finally finished. A quick trip to the ladies room and I can go home. I take an accidental look in the mirror. Not only do I stink, I look like shit. I hate to go home in this condition but I have no where else to go. I try to hook up my bra but I can’t even come close to doing it and now my shoulder hurts even more than it usually does. I don’t know why I try, I know I can’t do it. The bra bothers and even hurts me but my boobs are big enough that I am uncomfortable without it too. I know I wanted to be a woman but sometimes I hate having big boobs to contend with. I never hated tits when I was a man.

Finally I can drag my dead ass down to the parking garage and go home.

I go down the gray concrete staircase. I am so tired that each step brings pain to my knees and ankles. I open the blue steel door to the mostly empty under ground parking garage and I see a rather drunk appearing man leaning against a car that is just about five feet from the door. He is staring at me and after a few seconds begins to speak. “Here Pussy, Pussy, Pussy. How about a fuck?”

“Not just now thank you, my Herpes is flaring up again and I’m on the rag” That should do it, in fact it should make him sick. The Lying seems appropriate. All I want is to go home and sleep. I don’t need a boorish crud hitting on me at this time of the night.

“Oh, but you are so, so very hot baby.” He says as he plants himself right in front of me in a strong invade your space kind of a way.

“I’m nobody’s baby tonight, all I need is a shower and sleep. Have a good night.” I say firmly as I try to step around him.

He tries to take my hand as I withdraw and says. “Baby, you want it and you know it.” This is getting scary and he is between me and my truck. “You need a real man to get you off.”

“Please, leave me alone, I don’t need this at all now.” With this he pulls his hat down over his face revealing a ski mask with holes for his eyes and mouth and then he grabs my arm.

“Just let me show you how much I love you baby.” He tightens his grip on my arm and pulls me toward him. I am struggling to get away but he is much stronger than I am.

“No! God dammit let me go! Let me go now!!” I command. His answer is to hit me in the face. I lean back to try to break his grip. That doesn’t work so I try leaning back and turning at the same time. This works but when he looses the grip I fall on my bottom.

“See I knew you want it you fuckin bitch”

Oh my God he is coming down on me. I kick at him but it is ineffective. I hit him in the face, then throw my purse at him. This all seems in slow motion now and somehow it feels un-real like a dream but it isn’t. He stands back up shouts “Fuck you bitch” and kicks me in the ribs, then again harder. Now he stomps on my hand, another kick in the ribs. I am trying to roll over so I can stand up and get away. He sees it and steps on my arm as he reaches down and tears at my jacket. The buttons pop off one by one. He kicks me in the side of the head then goes for my blouse. He rips that easily. I am kicking at him and screaming now so he stomps me in the face. Oh God this can’t be happening to me, but it is and I can taste blood in my mouth. He kicks me twice more in the ribs and goes for my skirt. He pulls that off easily. He drops down and lands his knee on my thigh, grabs my right breast with one hand and my brace with the other. I scream again and he hits me in the face with his fist. He has a knife in his other hand. He didn’t seem get it from anywhere he must have had it ready before he even saw me. He planned this. He slashes at me with it and cuts my face, I think it’s pretty bad. I am hurting and out of breath as he struggles to get my panties and panty hose out from under the girdle of the brace. He grabs both breasts now and kisses my bloody mouth. Then he hits me with his fist again in the face as he shouts FUCK over and over again. He kisses me again and I try to bite him. It doesn’t work and the pain tells me that he has broken my jaw. I don’t know when he lost his pants but he is forcing my legs open with his. He tries to punch me in the stomach but hits the brace instead. I think this hurt him at least a little. He punches me in the side of the head again as I feel penetration in my vigina. This doesn’t feel good as it should, it hurts and is sickening me. It is over in seconds. I feel his gism all over between my legs and in my vigina. It is disgusting and I am starting to vomit. He pulls his pants up as he gets up. He says “Fuck you bitch” and kicks me again in the ribs. The pain is ghastly and I am choking on my blood and vomit as he picks up my purse. He is quiet now as he turns toward me and softly says. “I love you”.

Oh God if this is love nobody needs hate. He bends down to me again, grabs on to both of my hurting arms and drags me into the traffic lane. He kicks me twice more in the ribs then in the head and without another word walks slowly off carrying my purse. I am crying now and in terrible pain, I can’t get up. I hear a motor start. I have my eyes closed, I can feel them swelling shut from the damage done to my face but it sounds like the car is coming toward me. It is. Oh my God he is going to run over me. He has raped and robbed me, now he is going to kill me. I am trying to roll myself out of the way but I am too slow. I put my arms up in a stupid attempt to stop his car. The car speeds up as he drives over me. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. I feel and hear my bones breaking, then he is gone.

I am cold, mostly naked, horribly injured, but still alive. I know I am bleeding badly and will not last long but I have nothing left to help myself with. I am dying and I know it. I am in pain but the feeling is of peaceful resignation not fear and terror as I have imagined.

Is this what it was all for, everything ?. Is this why, my mother gave birth to me and raised me, God my mother who thought I was so pretty she dressed me in little dresses, Jesus I haven’t thought of that in nearly forty years. God, she loved me but I think she wanted a little girl, then when I became that girl she rejected me completely. My sister, wow, when I was a teen I borrowed her clothes when no one was home with me, they didn’t fit but they felt good. My first girlfriend, I wonder where she ever went? And, and my buddy Bob, haven’t seen him in years. My teacher, Miss Carsten. More tears I want to say goodbye to all of them but I can’t, I don’t have time. I was so bad at sports. I couldn’t do anything right. Hell I was afraid of the ball. High school was fun, dating, music, even most of the work was fun. Too bad I crapped out at college. Then working, the job at the store, the driving job, I think that was illegal, I never had the right license. The job at Carl’s shop, I enjoyed that, was OK at it too. I was so happy when I married Becky, I always missed her after she died. That was the best of my life as a man. The Doctor Ellis sessions. My mind is racing. Then the decision to go female, the project, the shooting. Oh God, someone has to remember little Kathy forever, I am so sorry. Why, oh why couldn’t I protect her, she was just a kid. If she had lived everyone would know her name by now. She was such a wonderful skater. Sharon, oops, forgot again, I’m Sharon, Jack, Chantel, David, Joanna, more tears, I need to say goodbye to all of them.

My mind is slowing down now…. I feel weak. …. And sleepy.

I’m very, very ….. weak. I …. I can’t move.

The pain is gone , I am very weak and cold, I, I ……….. it’s getting dark, …………… I think. I ………………………

Chapter Fourteen

“Tom, … hey Tom! …Look at this shit. Her mouth is moving.”

“So?”

“I think she may be coming around. Look, their, …… their it is again.”

“Don’t touch the patients, especially this one. You know who she is don’t you.

Yea, she’s Sharon Price. You know, shopping mall, sky-scraper, big money Price.

I know, she’s got more money than …. than the Catholic Church does. A hell of a lot of good that does her now. This isn’t the time for her to wake up anywise. All we do is clean up around here. She usually has people around her. None of her people are here now. Shit! it’s three O’clock in the morning. Nobody’s up now except for us.”

“I don’t know man. I think she’s coming around. I’m gonna call the nurse.”

I hear two people that I don’t know talking but I’m not interested. I’m just so tired, I think I will just go back to sleep. …………. Uh. ……..

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It’s dark. I hurt. I think I am upside down. I can’t move. I don’t hear anyone else around me. Why am I lying on my stomach, I never do that. I am just so tired. I have never been so tired I think I will just go back to sleep. ……… I think I ……. No I ….. fooo …….

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“Well we need it so that we can sell in Europe.”

“Everybody I talk to about it says it’s just such a pain in the ass.”

“It’s going to cost us too. Probably thirty five or forty K to get our certification.”

“ISO 9000 is for car manufacturers, not for us”

“We need it to sell over seas.”

I think I hear Jill and Chantel talking. What the hell are they talking about? Why are they here. I’m really sleepy but I think I should say something to them. …… My mouth doesn’t open. What the hell is in my mouth? God I’m just so tired I have no energy at all. What is in my mouth? Dammit I hurt. I think I am in a cast again. Jesus and I have a bra on. I hate this. I am just too tired to deal with it. I think I will just go to sleep. I ……… I think I have pins in my head again. Damn it all, I just hate that. I am just too sleep …. sleepy ……. and ………

“Did you see that?”

“What?”

“Her arm moved, and her hand tried to grip something.”

“Sharon, Sharon. we love you sweetheart. C’mon wake up, come back to us. We are here for you.”

I just want to rest up a bit………… I can’t get up now …… I feel someone tapping my arm and rubbing my forehead but I am just too tired to deal with it now ……… Ah ….

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“Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven.”

“Jack! Jack, look her eyes are moving. She can hear you, she can hear you jack.”

“Sharon, Sharon wake up love. Wake up. It’s been a long seven months.”

“Here, let me try”

I recognize my mothers voice. “Paul, OOPS sorry honey. You don’t even look like Paul anymore, I mean Sharon, wake up please. It’s been a long, long time for everybody. The doctor say’s you will be OK. – You’ll be OK honey.”

Now I hear Jack again. “Sharon you are going to be OK. Wake up, please, for me, I really miss you.”

My jaw won’t open and my mouth is full of Lord knows what, I hurt – I hurt a lot. But I have to struggle to say. “Uh, what’s going on.?”

I hear Chantel say. “She’s coming around, I’ll get the nurse”

Then Jack. “Sharon, oh my God, Sharon, ….ah, good after noon beautiful. Oh gee, don’t try to do anything, you have had a lot of surgery. Oh I’m so glad your going to be OK.”

I don’t know what to think. My mother? .. God she disowned me a long time ago. I should be dead, I know I should be dead. What the hell is going on? Jesus, I hurt, everything hurts. Why am I so tired. Well maybe I can open my eyes, maybe I should open my eyes.

“Sharon! – Sharon, it’s me, Jack. Please wake up, I, I, …. we all need you. Come on you can do it. Open your eyes. ….. Please”

The light is blinding. It hurts my eyes. I can see my mother. She is older but still my mother. And Jack. I try to reach out for Jack but I can’t. I have a board and an IV needle in my arm. I am trying to smile but it hurts. Damn everything hurts. I am trying to say “What happened?” but I don’t know how much is coming out. I think I have a tube down my throat and in my nose. Damn!! My leg hurts.

I see my mother tearing up as she say’s “I’m so sorry honey. You have gone through so much and I wasn’t their for you. I’m sorry I just didn’t understand. Can you ever forgive me? God I had to read about this in the papers.”

I try to explain. “I, I can’t talk.”

Jack answers. “It’s OK honey. Just do the best you can. Your jaw is wired up and you have extensive bracing on your teeth for reconstruction. It’s mostly healed now, it won’t be much longer. …. Wow! Your awake. Your out of it. You will be, ah, we will be OK now. The worst is over.”

I need to ask. “How did I survive? I should be…… should be dead”.

I don’t see, but I hear Chantel’s course voice. “How bout this, sleeping beauty has awakened.”

Changing my thoughts completely. “Chantel, I’m so glad to see you.”

“That will be Misses Mabrey to you darlin.”

“Oh I’m so sorry. I, I guess I missed the wedding”. I answer as I am choking on something. Yuck, tastes like blood. I am in a bad way.

“That’s OK. You were such a mess nobody wanted to see you anywise”.

Trying to bring myself up just a bit I answer. “I guess we will just have to go out dancing tonight and celebrate a little late.”

With that everyone’s expression changed. I can see Chantel now, even she looked a bit down struck. I guess we are not going dancing.

Jack and my mother both started to talk at once, Mother quit and Jack continued. “when you were attacked you were alone but before it was over a couple of kids, he was just Sixteen and she was barely Fifteen. He had his fathers car for the first time to go out on a date with his new girlfriend. They went into the centers lower garage for privacy as the young ones will tend to do, remember we were like that once.” I don’t remember because I was Paul Martin in those days but it sounds good. Jack continues with “They were nearly hit by a car speeding away. She was a little shocked and wrote down the license number. Very childish and very unfortunate for your attacker. Then they found you. Her mother had loaned her a cell phone for the evening, as mothers will do. They found you. He had just finished a CPR class at school two days before.”

My Mother completed. “They saved you, those two kids. Thank God for them. You couldn’t have been luckier”.

Feeling the pain in my jaw and remembering that my mouth will not open I reply. “I could have parked in another lot. That would have been luckier”. They seemed to like that one. I’m not certain that I did.

Chantel added. “He couldn’t have been dumber, you know, the guy who attacked you. When the cops searched his room they found your purse. He robbed the richest person in the state and got what ever crap you keep in that old purse.”

I have to ask. “Did they get a sperm sample?”

Jack answered. “Yes.”

Chantel asked. “Will you testify in court?”

“Oh yes. Then I will personally lock his cage.” I paused and added. “That is if I can function at all. How bad off am I? Everything hurts. I’m glad to be alive but I’m in a lot of pain. He ran over me with his God damned car and left me for dead. Hell I thought I left me for dead. I went the whole nine yards. Anger, resignation, shock, and even flashbacks. That should have been the end for me.” I’m choking again and have to stop talking.

Jack answered. “The soft tissue stuff is all healed, their is scarring, that can be fixed. Your ribs have healed. At first your brain was swelling, that was gone after three days. Your pelvis is shattered, they glued and pinned it together for you. That may be over a year to heal properly maybe even two. That’s why you had the abortion.”

“Abortion!! What the hell, I was pregnant?”

“Yes” Jack continued. Your back is displaced but the spinal cord isn’t severed. That can be repaired after the pelvis heals completely, the same with your neck. That’s why you have the halo thing. Your going to have it for a while too.”

Chantel smiled and said “And you are never, never ever going to like having it. Take that from a certified expert in wearing halo braces.”

I said. “What hurts the most is my left leg but I can move it, why isn’t it in a cast? It must be shattered too.”

“Oh God!” Jack looked very solemn as he added. “I’m sorry love. That’s the worst of it. The doctors should tell you this not me.”

Now he has me worried. “What is it?”

“The leg is gone.”

I could see a tear in his eye as he touched my forehead and continued. “They worked on it for hours but they could not restore circulation. It could not be saved.”

“I’m not going to be all that OK then am I?” I need to scream but I can’t open my mouth to do it. I am sobbing a little now. “It’s phantom leg pain then isn’t it. I’ll always have that.”

Chantel comforts me with. “Its no fun but you can live with it, you can live well and be happy. ……. I am. I hate the pain, I hate the disability, it sounds odd to you now but I am living well and I am happy. You will be OK, Trust me as bad as it seems now you will be OK”.

“I’m sorry. I need to be alone. Can you all come back a bit later?”

My Mother said. “We can go and do a lunch.” She looked at the others and added. “Then we can come back can’t we?”

They both said yes. Well Chantel said yes and Jack just nodded, but then he bent down and kissed me, then my mother did too, Chantel squeezed my hand. They left, the scattered things in my mind are starting to come together, God! somehow I lived through this and I am starting to cry. I need a lot of things but mostly I need time to cry.

Chapter Fifteen

It has been a month since I came out of the coma. A long, boring, miserable, hard month. The inventory of my injuries is amazing. Both of my arms were broken, and several ribs too. Those both healed while I was unconscious. My jaw had healed too but was re-broken by the doctors the week before I came out of the coma. I guess something just didn’t heal right. They explained it to me but I don’t really understand what it is all about. I know for sure that my mouth is full of wires and that I can’t open it to eat, talk, breathe, cough, sneeze or to clean it. The inside of my mouth feels like I have been eating boogers. I take mouth wash four times a day through a straw but It still feels just rotten inside and I can’t do anything about it. They have me in what they call a head gear too. That’s a heavy wire that comes out of my mouth and goes around both sides of my face then is attached to a harness that goes over my head. I think it is to hold some of my teeth in place while the jaw heals. They feed me with the inter-veinous heplock and a plastic tube that goes through my nose and down to my stomach. Twice a day they open a valve and squeeze a plastic bag of guck through the tube and into my stomach. I can feel it but I can’t taste it, that may be for the best. The jaw should be un-wired in about another six or eight weeks. I just can’t wait. It gives me something to look forward to.

My pelvis wasn’t broken it was shattered. I have had two surgeries on it, both, thank God, while I was out. Now I am scheduled for another next Friday. It is mostly wired and pinned together and is slowly healing. This surgery will be a fusion near the leg, that is the leg that I still have, so that I will be able to bear weight and hopefully walk in some fashion or other.

I have a cast from my toes to my shoulders and it is fitted with a halo brace for my head. They have driven four pins into my skull and that keeps my head from moving. Since this is my second time in a halo I know I am going to hate it until it comes off. Chantel says that I look good in it, I think she just wants somebody else in a halo so she doesn’t look so damned odd.

I have displacements in my lower back and my neck. My spinal cord, thank God, isn’t broken. I have some numb spots and a lot of pain but everything that I still have still works. The doctors need to repair the pelvis before they can do what needs to be done with the back and neck. My good leg is broken in several places but it is healing nicely now and I should lose that part of the cast soon. Every little bit will help. I am in such bad shape that I can’t use a bed. They have me tied into a sandwich kind of a thing that is mounted on an axle within a large steel wheel. This is so that I can be rolled and tipped so my weight is not always on the same sore spots and I have less skin problems from my confinement. This is a long term arrangement. Their is no schedule for me to get out of this mess or anything. I just hate this. The only thing good about it is that I lived through the rape. I am grossly uncomfortable, and in a great deal of pain. More than anything I am supremely bored. I can’t actually do anything. I never have been as totally bored as I am now. Oh yes I am into bondage but this isn’t bondage, it’s torture. When Jack puts me into something it is only for a short time and we usually have sex just before or just after I am released. Jack hardly touches me in this thing, I don’t get released and my leg is never coming back.

I depend on friends visiting me to keep from going completely mad. Yet I snap at them when the smallest things happen. I don’t know why I am like this but I am. I hate that part of it too. Some days I wish I could go back into a coma and just sleep until this nightmare is over. Of course it can never be completely over because my right leg is gone. I remember how people suffered with that sort of thing back in my orthopedic assistant days. Now it will be my turn. That is if I can ever get out of the hellish caccoon that I am sealed in.

My depressive thoughts are interrupted by a familiar voice. “Hi misses Gleason, how are you doing today.”

“Better now that your here” They have me upside down and at an angle facing the wall so I continue with. “Can you please turn me so that I can see you ?”

I am so confined that any movement at all is a God send. It is JoAnna, looking even better than she ever did. “I hear your a big star now.” I say as she is turning me.

She answered proudly “The movie did Seven mil the week it opened, then Nine mil the next week, and Twelve and a half last week. I guess people must like it and are telling their friends to go see it.”

I try my best to smile through the wires and add. “Maybe you will get the Oscar.”

“I don’t think so. Their isn’t a category for best ditz.”

“God I wish I could see it, ….. and, and you look great.”

JoAnna answers with. “Thank you, but you know having money helps, it helps a lot. I have my hair done before every TV appearance, I am doing a lot of that sort of thing now. It helps to sell the movie and It helps people to know me and to remember my name, that’s the most important thing”

“I see your wearing your brace”

“Doctor Mabrey finally told me that I could wear it only at night, then after another six months I could throw it away. Well everybody wears them now and I am the brace girl. So guess what, people expect me to be in it and I think Chantel would hunt me down and throw me to the Lions if I ever go out in public without it. So I wear it, I wear it all the damn time. At least I finally don’t have those damn belts digging in me anymore so Brianna came up with a waist cincher version for me to wear. Now I’m laced in this hot, tight, corset too. The girdle, the steel frame and the neck ring isn’t enough anymore.”

I need to ask. “How does that work? I never thought of anything like a corset as part of the brace.”

JoAnna answered, “Very well, most of the plastic girdle is gone and is replaced by the corset section. It really is quite comfortable after you get used to it. Mine is leather but most of them are vinyl because it’s cheaper and can be made in colors easier. Here look at it.

With that she began to remove her top. I said “Oh that’s OK you don’t need to do that.”

“It’s all right. Heck I do a nude scene in the movie. Half the world has seen me naked.”

It looks great on her. The leather is pink and has roses on it. Her waist is cinched just enough to look spectacular. The gold metal uprights look much better than the finish on the old stainless steel braces. I see a small plastic box with what looks like an antennae on it so I ask. What’s the little box for?”

“Oh that, that’s another Brianna invention. It is a device that calls the police and then sends a homing signal. I can activate it by pushing a small button. Brianna doesn’t want any of our customers to end up like you.”

I have to say. “I don’t want anybody else to end up like me. In fact I want all of our girls to have self defense classes and to have cell phones and the homing device.”

JoAnna Informed me. “Oh Chantel already did that. I had my defense class just before I started the shoot for the movie. You know Chantel has a little history too.”

“I know, I was their when it happened. Maybe decent people just shouldn’t be around me. I have been involved in way too much of this shit.”

After my little outburst JoAnna continued with. “Doctor Mabrey found a research project in Sweden that may be able to help Chantel. They are doing a genetic process that can actually change a defect. They take a sample of the affected tissue, map the genetic code, clone the cells with the defective code corrected, and place them in the defective tissue. The new then fixes the old in the body. It works in most testing. The problem now is that Chantel is so busy at work that she can’t take the time to have it done.” She gives me a big smile and touches my forehead, then continues. “See, you need to get better so that Chantel can have a chance too”

With that tears start to form in my eyes. Chantel has suffered so much. I hate to think of her not getting any help that is available. I answer. “That has to change. Damn, I hate this shit.”

“Oh?”

“I mean I hate being like this. It effects a lot of people, not just me. I can feel my husband is loosing interest in me. The rape part bothers the hell out of him and my new stump makes him sick. My best friend is under stress and now is hurting more than she has to for it, and, … and I have lost control of the business.”

JoAnna answers with. “You poor thing. …. I, .. I really do know what you are going through. I spent most of my life in body casts, often as restricted as you are. God knows, and I guess now you know too, how much I hated it, I hated all of it. I hated the disability, I hated the boredom, I hated the itching, and now that I have been free for a while, I know that most of all I hated the isolation. You know the feeling of being absolutely alone. Even with other people around me I was the only one that couldn’t move, that couldn’t do anything at all that I wanted to do. I hated every second of it. My life is great now, but I still feel lonely, I still don’t have anybody. I, … I mean, I don’t have anybody to share my success with. I never learned to love anybody. I never learned to cry with anybody. I’m going to therapy now, maybe I can find out just how screwed up I really am.”

With that she gave a little laugh and continued with. “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, you don’t need anybody dumping on you.”

“That’s OK” I answer. “It helps to take my mind off my own problems. You can dump on me any time you want to. Oh yes, and you know where I am going to be. I’m not going any where for a while.”

JoAnna changed the mood completely with. “Oh look, you need a bit of attention down here”

I can’t see what she is talking about but she is down by my foot. She continues with. “I have a clipper and some polish in my purse.”

I feel her grab my big toe and start cutting the toenail. I ask her with a giggle. “What are you doing?”

“We girls always have to look our best now, don’t we?”

I answer with a question. “My toes?”

“That’s the only thing that isn’t covered up, c’mon girlfriend you have to take care of your self.”

I feel her starting on the next toe so I say. “Well, well thank you, I, I think. You know I can’t see my toes so I don’t know what they look like.”

“I can see them.” she is laughing as she talks. “And they will look a lot better in a minute.”

This bit of attention just feels wonderful to me. I laugh just a little and say. “Wow I have a real movie star doing my toes. Now If I could get Jacques Costeau to clean my pool and perhaps Thomas Edison to change my light bulbs I will have made it in life.”

“I’m not that much of a star.”

“Well not yet but …….”

She is digging in her purse for something, produces some very pink nail polish and asks. “How do you like this?”

“Do you have anything else?”

“No, not with me.”

“I love it”

JoAnna laughs and gives me an evil grin and says. “It doesn’t matter, I am going to use it on you weather you like it or not. What can you possibly do about it anyway? Nothing, that’s what. I not only know how you feel, I know that I can do anything to you that I want and you can’t do anything about it.”

With that she bent down in the stiff way that her brace allows her to move and kissed my big toe. Then she laughed and said. “Their, ..take that!”

JoAnna isn’t just the best looking person that I have ever seen, she is the most playfull adult that I know. Then she licked my big toe with her tongue and said. “Hmm, OK for toes, I, I think. Here, hold still now for a minute. ….. Ah, don’t go away. I need to find a chair.” With that she turned and left the room, her top still off. She is wearing so much underwear that she is still decent but her rather spectacular figure is completely displayed for all to see. I think she has become a bit of an exhibitionist. She came back in after just a few seconds with a small chair, placed it at my foot sat down and said. “This will be a lot better, now hold still so I don’t screw it up, OK”. I feel very comfortable that I am in the best of hands. JoAnna will take good care of me. She continues with. “You know, we girls should kind of stick together, like, you know, help each other and be their when we need each other. You were their for me when I was a kid. I never saw you but I was told every step of the way that you were willing to give up your body for mine when my life was just miserable. It would have happened too, in just a few weeks … if it wasn’t for the shooting in the medical building. You gave me the hope that I needed to carry on. Then you found me fixing a toilet in a restaurant, gave me a job, then put me in the movies. Do you have any idea of how close I feel to you? Any idea at all of what I owe to you? Now your hurting, really hurting, as bad or worse than I was. I want to do anything I can to make this better for you. I pray for you every day.”

I find this all to be a little deep for such a young person. Well I guess she isn’t all that young anymore, it’s just that I know I am older than her mother is.

I answer her with the truth. “A lot has gone under the bridge between us. I feel close to you too and God knows I need all the friends that I can get. We do have a lot of history, you and me, don’t we ? We just haven’t spent much time together.”

“I, .. I think that’s true. We should spend more time together too. It will do us both good.” She answers.

I continue with. “Well, you know, were both kind of odd ducks too. Still are.”

She answers. “You mean because I don’t like guys and you used to be one.”

“Well that and … ”

She cuts me off with. “I like you now, I mean, .. I like you a lot.” She hesitates and now looking very concerned adds. “If this is too much for you just stop me. I don’t mean to be any problem for you. I don’t want to hurt you at all. I am attracted to you. This is sort of weird but even your stump is a turn on for me. I hope you can understand that, but, …but you know I will only come on to you as much as you want. I could never hurt you”

I need to say, again the truth to this most beautiful woman. “I, .. I don’t know how much I want.” I just look into her eyes for a moment, smile and add. “Just promise me that you wont drive over me with a car when your done with me OK.”

“Oh God, I am out of line, I’m so very sorry.” She said as she is touching my cheek.

“No, no your not, not at all. It’s OK. I mean it’s really OK, you know? I just need to face what happened to me. ….Damn!! Now I’m dumping on you in my own stupid way.” I just looked in her eyes for a few moments more as she looks in mine, I smile just a little, but with a tear in my eye, and add. “If you can get through the wires I’d like it if you would kiss me.”

Chapter Sixteen

Time passes very, very slowly when you are encased in a cast and can’t move, very slowly indeed. It does however pass. You can’t imagine how bored, bored, bored, bored, bored I am with all that goes along with being a victim. I just want to get over this and get on with my life as best that I can with what ever is left to me.

I finally have, dare I say my good leg free, or at least out of the cast. It took a lot of damage. It hurts, it hurts me all of the time, but it works in the sense that it moves and has some sensation in it that relates to the real world. It is disfigured, scarred and very weak but my condition is improving a little every day. I am in a real bed now and my leg is getting stronger with therapy. I can walk a few steps with parallel bars and am going to try crutches next week. Oh boy, walking on crutches will be quite an experience for me when that is the best that I can actually do.

I guess all of me is kind of disfigured and scarred. I hate my face now, it was my best feature. I thought I would get used to this but I can’t. It bothers the people around me too. It bothers them a lot. My looks used to get a lot of love and attention for me. Not now. Now my looks are a curse, a curse that I can’t overcome. I am not great looking anymore. Hell, as I heal and the bandages come off I am down right ugly. Some of it can be repaired, but not all of it. I am so incredibly tired of doctoring that I don’t know how much of it that I will have repaired. More than anything I want out of this body cast and the halo.

“Good morning Sweetie.” It’s JoAnna’s very familiar voice. She just sounds like the big, beautiful smile that seems to be the biggest part of her drop dead gorgeous personage. Naturally she is wearing her newest gold plated brace, with the gold chin pad that I have never seen before. The matching ear rings are stunning, she is just perfect as always.

I automatically answer. “Hi Hon.” Then after an instant’s reflection I add. “I thought you weren’t going to make it today.”

“Well – my interview got canceled. They got some senator or at least someone more interesting than me to talk to, I don’t really know who it is. I’m going to be doing tomorrow’s show instead.” She changes from a big smile to just plane bubbly and continues with. “This is kind of like a day off for me. You know” Now changing to reflective before completing her sentence. “I think a day off should mean that I can be out of this damned brace — but It doesn’t. I just have to be the brace girl every darned day. I can only take it off at home, that is if I ever get there. Half the time I don’t even do that. With this corset thing as part of it it’s too much work to get out of it. I don’t shower anymore. I just sponge bath myself in the brace. It’s easier to just wear it.” She stops herself, then states matter of factly. “Well, that’s a lie. I showered this morning.”

I answer methodically. “Well I’m so glad you came.” Then I come to life a little more and add. “And Jo, I like you in the brace too, I like you a lot in it, just like everybody else does.”

“I came because I need a hug, I mean I really, really need a hug. Here, let me help you up.” With that she bent over, grabbed one of the bars on my halo and my arm then pulled and turned me so I am sitting up on the bed and continued with. “There, that’s better – a lot better.”

I added. “For both of us”. Feeling just a bit more comfortable I continue with. “I have to get out of this damned halo thing. You know I should be able to soon. I am just so tired of it. And I smell like the john on a tuna boat in this damned cast. I just know I’m rotting in this thing, I don’t know how you can even touch me.” I stop and think a moment, then go on. “Thank God it should be off soon, in fact the Doctor may order it off this afternoon. I see him at three o’clock, I sure hope so anywise”

We put our arms around each other in an embrace as JoAnna says. “Oh that’s so great. I am so happy for you. – – Oh but remember I want you to keep the wires. When you get out of here I am going to have you fixed so that when I remove your face bow you will be able to open your mouth to kiss me. Of course then I will put it back in and you won’t be able to kiss any one else. See how I am. I really love you and I want to keep you. I mean, like, I want to keep you just for me.”

We kiss, with my face bow on. I know she likes it that way. I wish I did. God, am I screwed up. I wanted to become a woman and now that I am totally a woman, I’m in love with a woman. I answer her sincerely. “I love you. I wish I could open my mouth to kiss you more than for anything else.”

JoAnna answers. “That’s good because when your well you won’t be able to open it for anything else.”

We both giggle at that and kiss again. As odd of a couple as we are. We are both women, I am older, and she is a movie star. By God! I love her completely. But I don’t even know how this mess happened. I suppose the attack has a lot to do with it because I don’t trust men anymore. I think that Jack rejecting me because of my condition has even more do with it too and oh yes, I was happily married to a woman once.

JoAnna is very controlling, but kind and gentle with me. I need that in my lover. I am very comfortable with her. In fact I really enjoy it. She isn’t just hard core lesbian, the real truth is that she wants to be a man, she wanted to be a man when she was a little kid. The way her life turned out the only way she can be a man is to pretend with me. Good old Doc. Ellis had it right. Me and JoAnna are a perfect match in spite of everything. It’s just that this isn’t quite what he had in mind. This sure as hell isn’t what I had in mind when I went to him.

With thoughts racing through my head at a hundred miles an hour I need to answer JoAnna. “I don’t really need anything else.” I feel her gently squeezing my thigh as I continue with. “My jaw has been wired for so long now that it doesn’t even bother me anymore.” I have to think that the truth is that I hate having my jaw wired but I don’t have what it takes to tell her so. I continue to tell her my lovers lie. “It’s OK, really it’s OK. I, – – I can keep it wired.”

JoAnna answers. “I love you. I would love you even if your jaw wasn’t wired but it is such a big turn on for me, you know, that your wired like that. Your stump is a turn on for me too. I’m sorry that your hurting but I will enjoy you just the same.” She hesitates and looks as serious as a truly beautiful woman can and adds. “Honey can you possibly understand that? — Can You? — Can you please, somehow forgive me for my fetishes and love me ? Love me as I am ? Can you please ?”

I answer to her. To her lovers begging as I feel I must. “Well, I — I don’t know. I guess I can. I hate not having the leg but I can’t do anything about it. I will never have two legs again.” I hesitate in silence as I enjoy her holding me then I add. “It is your love that will get me through this. It’s OK if you enjoy my problem.” I hesitate to add. “Yes, it’s OK if you do but, but, you know” Thinking this out as I say it and trying to convince myself as well. “I — , I don’t want anybody else to enjoy it. Trust me on this, I really hate it, I mean, I hate, absolutely hate, not having the leg. I would give all that I have to get it back.” With that I start to cry. I need to cry now but I know it’s OK, JoAnna has had it hard too. She can understand and I will be OK as long as I have JoAnna to hold me and to love me. I will get through this nightmare and I will be better for it. Of all the people around me it is JoAnna that is staying with me. It is only JoAnna that loves me, God I don’t know why but I am glad that she does. I can live with her foibles, I know I can adjust to what pleases her.

JoAnna perks up and says. “God, are we ever getting sappy” She lets go of me and says. “Enough crying for now, you can cry more later OK ? Listen Hon, you are going to be able to go out pretty soon. We need to plan for some fun.”

I answer. “That would be great — but I don’t know what I can even do.”

JoAnna, sounding very wise says. “After a long time in bed all I wanted was just to get out in the sunshine. Your not really hooked up to anything any more, I don’t know why I can’t just push you out side in a wheel chair and we could just go around the block together.”

I have to answer. “This is supposed to be a convalescent center not a prison. I think we can go out. — Oh God, I want to go out !! Please take me out of here for just a few minutes. That would be so, so great.”

JoAnna carries on with a big smile. “Now that’s the biggest smile I have seen on you since, well maybe since I have known you. We have to do it.” She thought for a second and added. “We have to practice having fun for when you are able to be out of here and get you back home.”

With that she left to get a chair. I have time to think. Damn, I am so bad off that a really wonderful treat is just to get out of this room and this building. Even if I can’t walk I am going to be outside. I am honestly so excited about being out of the building that nothing else matters. The jaw being wired up doesn’t matter, the halo doesn’t matter, the leg doesn’t even matter I just want out. Yes, I guess the jaw being wired up doesn’t really matter. I can live with it. If JoAnna likes me this way, it can stay this way. What I need isn’t for my jaw to open, what I need is JoAnna’s love and care. No one else wants me, I can be what she needs, I need to be what she needs. I want to be what she needs. I love JoAnna and JoAnna loves me. It’s weird to me, it’s wrong to everything I was brought up to believe. Still I am going to accept it and I am going to live it. Heck!! if my mother can accept me as I am now, I can accept me as I am now. It doesn’t matter how I got this way either. It doesn’t matter at all.

“Here’s your chariot sweetie.” JoAnna got the oldest, ugliest wheel chair in the place. Before I can even see how really ugly the thing is she is lifting and guiding me into it. How the hell did she get so strong? She spent half of her life as wasted as I am. “Come on, were burning daylight.” She is pushing me down in the chair and tucking my stuff in and around me as she talks. “Lets go out and see the world.” With that she turns me toward the door and starts to run out like she is in some kind of a wheel barrow pushing contest.

I giggle and shout. “Oh my God, your going to kill me.”

“No way” JoAnna answers me back. “I’m not done with you until you find someone else and, and leave me.”

“Never.” I say, then add. “Don’t talk like that. Were not together, at least not yet.”

“Oh? — How the hell are you planning to get back without me?”

“Your right. I’m not. were together.”

JoAnna stops the chair, gets in front of me and bends down in my face in the stiff way that her brace allows her to do, smiles at me in a very loving way and say’s. “Good. I’m so glad. In the lesbian world that’s a declaration of marriage. Think about it, were together, we are two, but we are one, I pledge myself to you — for ever. If you do the same for me, we are a couple. We are a couple to death do us part. I pledge to you even if you don’t pledge to me” She puts her hand over my lips and adds. “Don’t, don’t say anything now but I want to think about it. Don’t pledge if you don’t really mean it. I would love for you to pledge to me, but only if it’s for real, only if you mean it. That is if you mean it as much as I mean it. Because I don’t want to be with anybody else, just you.”

“I, I don’t know what to” she puts he hand on my face to stop me, then continues on.

“Your hurting too much now, your too needy now. You can’t pledge to me or even tell me a white lie now. Wait until your as well as you can be. Then tell me how you feel, but think about it OK. Think about it a lot. Make sure you mean it because I do mean it. I do love you.”

“It’s so good to have you.” I reply as she steps back around behind the chair and we start moving toward the door again. I feel relaxed and peaceful. And I feel happy. Wow, I feel happy. I almost forgot what it is like to be happy. I settle back in the chair just to enjoy the ride.

“Oh shit” JoAnna declares. “You can go out looking any way you want but I need a disguise.”

“What?”

“I need a disguise. Do you want to be in the paper tomorrow?”

“Heckie no, I have had enough of that stuff.” I answer as she stops again.

JoAnna continues with. “Their probably isn’t anyone out their with a camera but if their is I don’t want them to get a good picture.” With that she puts on sun glasses, I mean ugly sun glasses and, I swear it, a babushka. A damned babushka. That hides anybody. I don’t need hiding, I’m too ugly for a picture. With me in this damned halo we probably look like she is an old polish lady pushing a machine down the street.

“Hey Jo, I feel good, I actually feel good.” With that said to her we go through the door and out to a beautiful sunny day. I’m back in the world again. Thank you God, and thank you JoAnna.

Chapter Seventeen

I am still in the so called wellness center. But shouldn’t be for much longer. I am walking, or better said, hopping on crutches. I don’t have much range yet but I can function. I can take care of myself. That’s the standard for getting out of this dump. I need to be able to care for myself.

JoAnna is out of town for better than a month. She is doing a TV pilot. If it sells she will practically disappear. We are as close as we can be, that is for two people that don’t see each other very much. When we are together it is wonderful but her schedule and my handicap do make a relationship difficult. Oh yes, and it is difficult for both of us.

The halo and the cast are gone. Oh thank you, thank you, thank you, God. Unfortunately I have been so extensively fused in my spine that I can’t bend a whole lot more now than I could in the cast. The muscles in my neck are very weak so I wear a soft collar for support and to relieve pain. I may always need some support. I think I just may wear my brace all the time when I get out of here. I probably will get a new corset style like JoAnna’s. It is fabulous on her. I don’t have a leg, I am all scarred, my face is a mess but I still have a great figure and the corset brace will show off the real me, very well.

I had a small scar removed from my face. That helps some. I am going next week to have my lip straightened up a bit too. This should help me quite a lot and I won’t have to go through an extensive surgery to accomplish it. I wish to heaven and hell that asshole hadn’t cut and kicked my face into such a mess. It would be just so much easier for me if I still had my pretty face. I can, at best only get a little of it back. I will wear most of the damage forever. I am just too bored of doctoring to have a whole lot more surgeries done. I may or may not look much better, but I will certainly be in bandages for years to come if I do all that can be done.

Brianna says she has an idea for a special chin pad for my new brace that will hide some of the scarring under my lip. It will take a lot of the attention from my face and transfer it to the brace. The patterns in the gold will look better than I do by a bunch.

Because I promised, and only because I promised, my jaw is still wired up. I don’t need it anymore. The dentist was a little surprised but he did as he was asked by JoAnna, I think JoAnna could talk any man into anything. The tension on the wires is off but the wires and bases are still in my mouth. Their are new loops mounted in both the upper and lower braces that match up so JoAnna can slide the head gear in and I am immobilized at the jaw. I can remove it easily but I dare not because I can’t put it back in myself. So I wear it, I wear it all of the time just as JoAnna wants. Actually with my face being so scarred the head gear is probably an asset to my looks. JoAnna probably likes me in it because the wires hide me or at least take the attention away from my scars.

I am finding it more troublesome having the elastics over my head than not being able to open my jaw. That is because I am well enough now that doing my hair is important to me. When I do my hair I remove the elastics and leave the wire in place. The wire straightens out and I look like a catfish. When I replace the elastics on my head then whatever I did with my hair is mostly ruined. I never had hair problems when I was Paul.

If I was Paul instead of Sharon my relationship with JoAnna wouldn’t be homosexual. I could be normal. Of course JoAnna wouldn’t be in love with Paul because she is hard core lesbian. I never actually wanted to be Sharon, I certainly never wanted to be a lesbian. I just wanted to be Cindy. I have to talk to Dr. Ellis some more, I think I am becoming a bit confused. If Becky, remember her, my wife, well at least Paul’s wife, hadn’t been killed in a car crash I would have stayed with her and none of this would have ever happened. Or at least I would not have been involved in it. There !!! — See how I am!! Now I know I’m really crazy. I’m blaming my poor dead, loving, wife for all the trouble I have gotten myself into. — Yecht !!!!

Now that I am more active I have to watch what I drink, I can’t eat, I need to keep my weight up. I use diet drinks and fruit and vegetable juices to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I have some good stuff too like milkshakes once or twice a week. All in all it’s not so bad. I have really adjusted to it. I can live with this just fine. Just the same I hate the wired jaw, well I don’t hate it. I would rather not have it. What I actually hate, really hate with every fiber of my being is not having the leg. I am always going to hate not having the leg. It’s a bitch, just a bitch, all day, every day. I am bored with myself for complaining about the missing leg, but it’s always on my mind, I can’t help it because it interferes with everything I want to do. And it’s always going to be like this. I know I will never enjoy two legs again.

When JoAnna took me outside for the first time, I re-joined the world. I go out on my own now either in the chair or on crutches. A therapist told me that I could increase my range on crutches by wearing a brace on my leg. I think I may try it, after all I already have the brace in my closet at home. Sometimes I get around by hopping with no crutches. This is good only for short distances like getting to my clothes or going to the bathroom, but I can do it. I have a forty minute exercise routine I go through every morning and evening to strengthen the leg. I took a lot of damage and probably can never be as good as it was. I could just use a wheel chair but then I would never get any stronger.

My going home isn’t scheduled yet but it’s going to happen soon. Probably without much notice or fanfare. I have not fully recovered, but then I will never fully recover from the attack. It’s almost two years since it happened and it has been consuming my life ever since.

If my life can tell other people anything it should tell them that nothing is permanent except change. Loss is forever but things lost are replaced by other things, sometimes better things, sometimes worse things. But loss is always replaced by something. Usually something unexpected. I never thought I would ever hop to the bathroom, but because I have only one leg I can’t walk. With my boobs, and trust me on this, hopping to the bathroom is a worse thing. I certainly never thought I would have a lesbian relationship. I don’t know if this is a better thing or a worse thing yet. Right now it feels good.

As I get older, and I experience more, I find that nothing I know or value is absolute. Viewed from another place, any truth can be disputed. Anything that I hold true can be proven false. I don’t find this at all comforting but it is very interesting.

When I go home, oh yes I am finally well enough to really want to go home, I need to rebuild a life for myself. I am not at all certain what that life will be but it will be my life and it will be different than any I have had before. I only know that I don’t want to be alone. Maybe I can build a new life with JoAnna. God, I miss having Jack around. I may have to find even another direction. For now I am going to throw my lot in with hers.

When JoAnna took me outside for the first time we started to talk. I am in love with her but have no idea of how she was living. Her home was still in the Sheltered Arms apartment that she occupied when she was washing dishes and fixing toilets. My place was empty except for maintenance people that I pay to take care of it. The natural choice was for her to move in. I didn’t even have a key to give her. I am so removed from my old life here that I didn’t have a key to my own house. My keys were in my stolen purse. I still don’t have it back. I’m not sure I want it back. Anywise I finally got a key for her, she packed up her belongings in two grocery bags and a box and moved in. She’s a cash millionaire but so new to prosperity that she owns almost nothing. Most of what she has spent has been on gifts for old friends and the few relatives that she can contact. Her face is all over the world and nobody actually knows anything about her. I just hope they don’t find out about me. That could be very hard on both of us.

“Good morning love.” Wow! It’s JoAnna. This is a surprise. “How’r we doing today?”

I answer. “A whole lot better now that your here. I thought you wouldn’t be in until Wednesday”

JoAnna offers, “Well, it’s like this, we just finished up two days early. I have missed you and I really wanted to get back so I found a flight with an empty seat.”

“That’s great. Funny things are going through my head today. I have been alone far too much. How about a hug.” We move closer to each other as lovers will and I continue. “Oh look at me. No cast, no halo, I can feel the whole hug now.” I gesture by pointing to my body as I excitedly go on. “This is one hell of an improvement in my life style.”

With that we embrace as she says. “This is a good excuse to get out of this damned corset. Give me a minute.” Then she lets go of me and starts to disrobe. She is wearing her old blue denim dress over her posture corset. Her hair is a bit messy and she isn’t wearing make up. She probably just took that damned black wig and sun glasses off before she came in here. As always she looks spectacular. It is great to see her and have her again.

I shout. “Close the damned door.” I put my hands on my hips for emphasis and continue. “This is a public place, anybody could be walking in the hall.”

Her reaction is. “OOPS, — You know, I just can’t wait to strip. I guess that’s what makes me a star.”

We are both laughing as she closes the door — and locks it. I remind her that. “It’s your gift in front of the camera that makes you a star. And don’t forget that I helped some too.”

JoAnna adds. “I have been in this brace for five days without a break. I want it off of me. Besides I need a whole hug too. Haven’t had a real one in more than a month.” She turns around and requests. “Here Shar, unlace me, unlace me now, I can’t stand this thing for another minute. Hey!! Get the belt fasteners too please.” I work at the laces for a bit as JoAnna complains. “Oh shit, I have been laced up for so long that it hurts when you loosen me up.” She takes a deep breath and sighs. “Air, sweet air, ah.” then she starts to cough. Between hacks she informs me. “Oh I have definitely been laced up too long. I didn’t have this trouble when I only wore a brace.”

I said. “No you didn’t. The way I remember it is that your belts and pads were so tight that you were usually bleeding.”

“I guess your right. This is a whole lot better than I had it when I was a kid. At least now I look good. When I was a kid I was just a weirdo.” She coughed one last time and continued. “If I wasn’t so lazy I would have taken it off when I was done working, but oh heckie no, I had to sleep in it too. Of course I always did sleep in a brace, a cast or a traction frame. A plain mattress is just too soft for me now. I need something poking me and hurting me so I can sleep.”

I answer. “That’s good, I like that, I really like that. You, you nut case. So the truth is that we are both crazy. I thought it was just me. What a relief.”

With the posture corset on the floor I open my arms and she automatically drops into them as she gently puts hers around me. I softly say. “God, you feel good. I’m so glad your here.” Then I close my eyes and add. “I’m so glad your with me.”

That being done JoAnna puts her denim dress back on, unlocks and opens my door as she complains. “I should have taken this damn bra off too.” She adjusts the band, the cups and the straps in a rather exaggerated manner and say’s. “There, that’s better. It can make all new ruts now and the old ones can heal.”

“Jo hon, I can’t tell you how good it is to see you, and how much.” I am stopped in mid sentence because a new face appears in my doorway. A woman, I think I have seen her before but I have no idea of where or when. As it turns out I don’t have to wait long for the information. “Hello ?” I say in a puzzled tone as JoAnna steps out of the way.

“Is either one of you Sharon Price”

“I am.”

“Oh good.” She replied looking more comfortable. “You know, I’m Stella Neimon.”

I need to confirm. “Kathy Neimon’s mother ?”

“Yes”

“Oh boy. Kathy’s mom. Your a surprise.” My memories of that horrible day when little Kathy was murdered come rushing back into sharp focus as I react to her. “I can use all the company I can get.” I am trying to be polite and not just flabbergasted at seeing her again. “Ah. — What is it that I can do for you ?”

She doesn’t answer me but just starts talking with what I think is a question. “You know, what is someone like you doing in this place. It was just impossible to find you”. She hesitates a bit, then continues with. “You know, honey, you don’t look well, you don’t look well at all. What happened to you.”

I gave her my most smart assed answer. “I had a fight in an alley.”

She reacts to me this time with a sly smile. “Did you win ?:”

“Let’s see, seven months in a coma, sixteen surgeries, I just got out of a body cast, and I’m missing a leg. I think that I lost.” I try to make it as dramatic as possible, then ask again. “So what is it? — What can I do for you ?”

“Poor thing.” Now looking concerned she avoids my question with her question. “Are you all right ?”

I react a little flippantly. “Oh hell yes. That’s why I’m in a God damned rest home. So what is it that I can do for you ?”

Now I get Stella’s answer or at least sort of. It starts with another question from her, “You Know. — Well, do you remember Kathy at all ?”

I answer. “Every day of my life.”

“Well you know she has a sister, her sister Shannon.” She stops. I don’t react I just wait for her to continue. She kind of stares at JoAnna then faces back toward me. “Well, she skates too.”

“That’s nice.”

“You know, she’s very good, maybe better than her sister was at the same age. She’s ten now you know.” She’s looking at JoAnna now but still talking to me. “And, and, you know, Shannon just won the Oakwood county Juniors title, first place over seventy eight contestants, and you know, second place wasn’t even close.”

“No I didn”

Now I am cut off with. “Well, you know, she’s at the stage now where it is getting expensive to keep her in training. You know, what with coaches, ice time, costumes, that sort of thing. You know, her sister’s name is on the building, you know, the Kathy Neimon Ice Arena.”

“This one, I know. I paid for it. ”

“Well, you know, private rink time is sixty dollars an hour, and, and, with forty an hour for the coach, well, I just can’t keep up. You know, I’m still broke from Kathy’s training.” With this she gives me a big smile, then goes toward the door and say’s. “Come in Shannon, I want you to meet somebody.”

With this a very shy looking ten year old, wearing a posture corset comes in and softly say’s “Hi” — That’s it, just hi. Still she is just adorable. Her big sister was remarkable on ice but not very good looking. Shannon is just plain pretty. I can never be impressed with the mother but little Shannon is just a heartbreaker.

I need to comment. “Isn’t she a little young to be wearing a posture corset ?”

Stella answers. “Well, you know, all the girls are wearing them now. She wears it to skate so she has to be conditioned to it. You know, I only let her out of it two hours a day. You know, for conditioning exercises.” She changes her expression to stern and goes on. “Well, you know, it’s that damned blond slut the kids are watching now.” She looks again at JoAnna and carries on. “You look a little like her. Anywise you know she must spread her legs for, well for just anybody that can help her to put her on top, what a slut. You know, it’s just too bad all the kids think they have to wear that damned brace thing and you know, that damned, ugly pink corset thing that she wears.” She turns toward JoAnna and says. “You know, you should get one honey, you would look just like her.”

“It’s on the floor.” JoAnna informs her as she steps into the light and closer to Stella.

Stella now uses her rather annoying voice to try to dance out of what she has just said. “Oh my God !!! Your JoAnna Necie. — Well, you know I am just so happy to meet you. And, You know, we all saw your new movie last night.” Now she’s looking at me but talking to JoAnna. “And I’m so sorry for what I said I, I, you know, didn’t mean it. You know, I didn’t mean it at all.”

“Yes you did.” JoAnna answers in a cynical tone of voice that I have never heard before. “But that’s OK. Everybody hates Madonna too, they just buy everything that she does. As long is it works that way, well, it’s OK with me too, ah, and you know, I probably wouldn’t give you any money anywise, I’m not rich enough to do that yet.”

Stella replys with threatening body language. “You know, your mocking me aren’t you.”

“Yes.”

With that Stella turns her attention back to me. “You Kn — ah, I could use a little help with expenses here. You — ah it’s for Shannon, she could be a champion if she is trained right. You know, Just like Kathy was, Kathy just didn’t live to see it happen.”

I answer. “I will always feel bad about what happened to Kathy. Shannon I want to see you skate, I’m certain you are very good. I can help out with what ever is needed.” I write a phone number on a scrap of paper and instruct Stella. “You can call this number and ask for Sandy . She will handle this for us. Thank you for giving me the chance to help.”

Shannon’s mom replies with. “Oh thank you so much, you know, I just knew you would help.”

“It’s my pleasure.” With that she took Shannon’s hand and left.

“Sharon, Sharon honey.” JoAnna addresses me pleading. “If I ever start a sentence, ever again in my life, for any reason and in any place with YOU KNOW, please, without hesitation poke me in the eye with a sharp stick.”

“That was awful wasn’t it.” I reply as we laugh and fall into each others arms again.

After a bit of silence and just enjoyment of the moment JoAnna says. “Sharon, Sharon hon, why don’t you come home with me today. It is your house. If you have any problems I can take care of you. I promise you will be OK.”

“Well, I, I don’t, I mean I just haven’t thought about it. I suppose maybe — Shure!! That would be great. They can’t hold me here, I’m innocent, hell I’m the victim.”

Chapter Eighteen

All the little skaters are gliding, twirling, dancing, and practicing their graceful, beautiful moves on ice. About half of them, the good half of them are wearing posture corsets. The corseted ones move differently than those without braces. What happens is that in the brace they maintain perfect, erect position through all of their moves. They are more deliberate in their actions. I think they are more sexual in the way that they move and deport themselves on the ice. I certainly never thought of that when I started the production operation to make a brace available to everybody who wants one.

I find my own brace somewhat disabling and think it would be more difficult to skate in it than without it. The braces don’t seem to bother the young ones at all. In fact, by and large it is the braced ones that seem the most attractive and competent as well. Little Shannon seems by far to be the best of all.

Shannon’s costume is very simple. The corset style brace with a bra top and a simple short skirt. She looks great, at least she looks great on the ice at this distance to my untrained eyes. She looks kind of, well, too sexy for a ten year old. That bothers me, she’s really just a kid. She should be able to be a kid for as long as she can. Once she looses the kid in her it’s gone forever.

She looks more like her sister on the ice than I thought she would. Her mother is right, she isn’t as good as Kathy was but she is none the less very good on the ice. Before judging her I need to remember that Shannon’s still younger than Kathy was when I first saw her skate. Shannon certainly could develop into the superb skater that her big sister was.

I usually try to avoid contact with Shannon, it seems, well, it’s just that bad things happen to people around me. I don’t really think that I am a jinx, at least I hope not but I don’t want to take that chance with little Shannon. I don’t know why but I really like the kid. I want no harm to come to her. Maybe since I got ripped up myself the people around me will be OK from now on. If that’s true then some good would come out of all this misery.

I am here, that is we are here, Me and JoAnna, with Stella and Shannon’s new coach Bill. We came to watch Shannon in one of her private sessions. It should start in just a few minutes when the open skate that is going on now is finished. I was never interested in figure skating before but now with all that has happened it provides a great break for me. Certainly I could never do it, not at my age and certainly not with just one leg. My JoAnna spent most of her childhood completely disabled and couldn’t consider anything like skating. Her childhood idea of sporting activity was to be out of a traction frame and into a spica body cast. She tried skating about an hour ago, that was obviously a mistake and I think she has had enough of that foolishness for now.

A buzzer sounds and the girls are starting to leave the ice. Bill, he’s Shannon’s personal coach announces to the three of us “Well, pretty ladies, it’s time for me to go into my act.” With that, he is over the wall and out on the Ice. He goes straight to Shannon, kneels down in front of her to talk. We can’t hear him because they are out of range for us. I don’t think Bill wants for us to hear him.

Stella starts most of what she has to say with. “You know,” . God, I hate that!! “He is supposed to be one of the best coaches.”

I ask. “Did Bill coach Kathy ?”

Stella isn’t real good at answering questions either so she rambles on. “Oh thank you so much for paying him. He’s really good. You know, he had two in the last Winter Olympics. Yes, yes he did. You know?”

I answer. “Oh I didn’t k-n-o-w that.” then I ask again. “How did you find him? Did he coach Kathy?”

“You know, he, I mean, Bill was written up in Skaters World magazine and the Olympic programs at the last winter games too. And, and you know, he was coaching Kathy just before she died.”

JoAnna pipes up with. “I don’t know how they can skate in these damned braces. I thought I was going to kill myself when I went out on the ice.”

I guess it’s just me because when Stella answers JoAnna she sounds nearly intelligent. “You know honey, it is just conditioning. You know, kind of like being in heels. Once your used to them they’re no big deal. You know, no big deal at all.” She shakes her head for emphasis, she can do that – her head is not held rigid in a brace like mine is and finishes by repeating. “Not at all.”

JoAnna comments to Stella. “I always hated my brace, I wore it because I had to wear it. I am certainly conditioned to it. I wear the damned thing all the time but I sure as hell can’t skate in it.”

I laugh and add. “You sure as hell can’t skate without it either sweetie.”

Stella, ignoring me as usual rambles on to JoAnna. “Oh, did you wear one when you were young too?” Without waiting for any kind of an answer she just carries on in her rather annoying voice with. “Well you know, Shannon hates hers too. It’s just, you, you, know, that she looks so great in it. And, and you know, I always hated high heels too, and, — and I even hate panty hose, can you imagine, panty hose? You know, I wear them because I need them to look my best — and to be decent so I live with them. The posture corset thing, you know that, that, just awful, damned thing they all think they just must wear, you know, is like that for the younger ones too.”

I can’t help but to think how weird all this sounds coming from a woman that made such a scene when her other daughter needed a simple four post brace for her injury. I guess times and fashions really do change. For my own part, I used to feel odd wearing the brace, now I feel odd if I’m not in it. Still, the brace is bothersome sometimes.

JoAnna suggests. “Stella, I think you should try one. You would look taller and the look of the metal gives kind of a powerful feel to you. Kind of super hero lady style, solid and strong that most of us just don’t have without it.”

“Oh, you think?”

“Sure, super hero ladies are in now, I am a super hero lady in my next movie.” JoAnna pauses and reflects with. “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to do it but I am.” Then she continues her original thought with. “I think you should get the stainless steel, not the gold plated like Sharon and I have. I think the stainless would be better on you. It looks stronger, at least the stainless look’s stronger to me.”

“Oh I don’t know. You know I just couldn’t stand that cup thing on my chin that Sharon has on her.”

“Stella Hon, you don’t need it. That was made special for Sharon because her face is so torn up.”

I have to react. “Oh thanks, thanks a lot. Like I don’t feel bad enough about the way I look. I don’t need to be reminded of it !! I think it’s enough that I can’t turn my head at all in this damned thing. I don’t need any extra reminders of why I wear it.”

JoAnna, not quite apologizes with. “Sorry love, but it’s true, Brianna did that one just for you. It’s a one and only. — You look great in it. Your fabulous just like you are. I just adore you in it, especially with the dental head gear.”

I react again knowing that she’s right. “Heckie yes, and thank you I, I think — but I would look better still with a bag over my head.”

JoAnna and Stella just laugh at my condition, then JoAnna puts her finger up to her chin like she’s seriously thinking it over as she say’s. “Well — Maybe, just maybe — No, I, — um, I think the bag would be too much.” She turns to Stella in the stiff way that brace wearers do and continues. “Really, Stella, I think you should try the brace. Just without the corset at first. I think you will love the look on you, just love it.”

Stella replies. “You think. Well, you know, it seems like just everybody is wearing them now. I, I, don’t know perhaps I should. You know, I just don’t know if I could stand it.”

JoAnna assures her. “Sure, I complain about mine, I complain all the time about it but it’s not really all that bad. You kn, Oops!!!” Jo turns to me and says. “Sorry Hon” then back to Stella. “Really, with a low neck line, you would look great in one, just great. We can shop for one for you when Shannon is done here. Oh look! She is done with exercises and she’s starting her routine now.”

Shannon’s competitive routine is short, basic, and not in any way spectacular but it is perfect, smooth and works very well with the part of the Nut Cracker Suite that she uses for her musical accompaniment. In her own little way it is almost professional in quality. I think it is quite remarkable. I find it hard to remember that this kid is only ten years old. It is almost hypnotic to watch her do her routine over and over again. Each time she finishes Bill talks to her for a few seconds and then the music replays and she repeats her performance again. After about six repeats Bill talks to her then he skates backwards and does a small jump then without turning continues to skate. Shannon tries it. She does it, then does it again. A few more practice jumps and she does her program again this time with the little jump in it. I guess this is how the good get slowly better until they are great.

With the skating practice done for today Stella collects Shannon from the girls locker room. She has agreed to meet JoAnna and I for a shopping trip tomorrow to get a nice new brace for her to try. We could go right to the factory but I think we will just go to the store like everybody else does. One of the things that I can still enjoy is shopping. I enjoy it more if I have company to go with. I don’t think Stella qualifies as a friend but she is company. It’s good for me and JoAnna to have other people around once in a while. It keeps me sane and JoAnna’s life is more interesting that way too.

I am wearing my leg brace today because I thought I was going to do a lot of walking. It’s uncomfortable to sit on the thing but my leg is still very weak so I can’t go far without it. It is hard for me to get up out of the seat too. JoAnna offers to help me but I need to get along my self so I decline. I grab my crutches with one hand and support myself on the seat arm with the other and push myself up until I feel the brace lock. Now I use both crutches to go side ways until I get to the main isle. It seems like the smallest things are a struggle for me now a days and I just hate the way that my bra digs in when I am on crutches. None the less it is a true blessing just to be out and about again.

No matter what we do I am slow and the others need to wait for me. It’s OK for the adults but a little hard on the kid. She has been skating for over two hours. I have been sitting for over two hours. She wants to run and I can hardly walk. One of us clearly has it wrong. I think it’s me. Shannon’s the one that’s OK.

As I am struggling to walk out of the building Stella asks me. “Do you think I should be in a brace? You know, like the kids are wearing.?”

I answer her with. “I think it is good at any age not just for kids. Actually most of our sales are to adults. Oh! Don’t forget who your asking. I own the company that makes them. Actually, I had one before I was manufacturing them and I liked the way it looked on me. I felt good in it too. My husband loved it on me. He demanded that I wear it so I wore it a lot. I wore it even when we went out. Oh yes, and a brace saved my life once, I’ll tell you about it sometime. Actually I liked wearing it and it wasn’t a style thing then, I just liked wearing it. Jo is right, I think you should try it. Most people who try them like them. That’s why we sell so many of the things.”

Little Shannon, over hearing all of this and of course still wearing her brace pipes up with. “Sure mommy, you have to wear a brace too, you just have to.”

Stella has to change the subject now by asking. “What happened to your husband. You seem nice enough, and God knows, you have money. Oops! I’m sorry, you know, that was course wasn’t it?” She screws up her face, I guess that passes for an apology and continues with. “I just don’t know why any man would divorce you.”

I’m on crutches, carrying a purse in my right by keeping it between my arm and my crutch but I’m in front now with precious Stella as we get to the door so it is up to me to hold my left crutch with my arm pit as I push the door open. I kind of hop, very difficult in the leg brace, through the door and hold it open for the others as I answer Stella. “Well, just look at me. I’m all messed up. The rape thing really got to him. He knew it wasn’t my fault but he knew I had been with another man too. I used to be very good looking. Now, well, let’s just say that, now I’m not. It’s like I’m damaged goods. The look of my stump just made him sick, he hated it. Heck, I can’t blame him for that. I hate it more than anybody can possibly imagine.”

I can’t help it I’m starting to tear up and my distress must show on my face.

JoAnna helps me with. “Sharon, Share, Hon, I just love your little stump. Your a really good person. I’m sorry that Jack left you but I’m with you now and I love you.” With that we stop and hug. Oh, I really need a hug. I realize that I’m still hurting and hurting a lot. Thank you, thank you God for JoAnna. I don’t know where I’d be without her.

Stella of course has to find the worst time to ask anything. “You know, you two really are lesbians, aren’t you?”

JoAnna knows I am uncomfortable with that subject so she answers her with. “No, not us two, just me. Sharon puts up with me because I like her and I am nice to her.” She changes her tone from comforting to stern and adds. “I don’t think we should be talking about this in front of the ten year old.”

Stella admonishes JoAnna with. “Well, you know, Shannon is going to be an international star and she needs to know about that kind of thing.”

JoAnna sounding angry now reminds. “I am an international star and I don’t need to know about an awful lot of things. I certainly didn’t know what a lesbian was when I was ten and I am proud now to say that I am one. Shannon needs to make up her own mind about that kind of thing. But not until she is old enough. She doesn’t need to know about it now. What she needs to know about sex is that if anybody touches her in the wrong place to tell you, a teacher, or a cop and that’s all she needs to know. I didn’t even know that much when I was ten and I am still screwed up in the head from it.”

Little Shannon, having all of this dumped on her looks up and says. “Your weird, way too weird.”

I think that kind of sums it all up for and about all of us.