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A day at the mall (Wavering)

The hand rails on the stairs rotated as a silhouette of a wheelchair as he looked over at the bookstore upstairs. But then this was common for things to first be taken in this way. Robin’s thoughts always seemed to wonder through the wheelchair desiring zones before it drifted back to reality. Being in a wheelchair was something he fantasized about often.

Ever since he could remember. Something about being dependent on the smooth crafted graceful piece of machinery just got him excited. To see women in a chair, one that appeared to be in good health other than her handicap absolutely magnetized him. Not that he lusted after the women so but just the wonderful concept of wheelchair dependence that she modelled. He had sat in a wheelchair a couple of times and maybe made a couple of pushes and that in its self was earthmoving. But he cold only imagine of what it would actually be like to dependent on one. To feel the rims and the tires against his hand as he gracefully pushed from his low profiled seat of destiny. To know he could not move his legs to get up; that he must meet the challenge of navigating through life forever dependent on a wheelchair. Arm crutches hung on the back waiting for him to swing his metal braced legs in total fulfilment. It was more that he could imagine.

As he passed by the bookstore he saw two wheelchairs that were marked Mall of America one was very wide with a basket on it for carrying groceries. He did not see himself in that chair. He saw himself in one of those low cut slick looking chairs with the cambered wheels. Not too sporty but not to bulky. He always pictured him rolling through a store in his chair people staring at him but not being embarrassed but proud that he was what he was meant to be. Although he went back in forth in his mind of whether it was what he really wanted, he was not sure he liked the idea of not feeling his legs or other parts of the body for that matter. The perfect situation would be to not move his legs but still have some feeling. Maybe polio was this way. He knew that was not likely possible though. He tried to repress the feelings often because they were not normal. Why would someone want to be crippled? What is so unbelievably exciting about a wheelchair? Just to read or say the work wheelchair was exciting.

He had been gong to church for some time and had a deep fulfilling spiritual relationship with God. Somehow he could not combine these feelings with his biblical beliefs. So it was a constant tug of war in his mind. A source of guilt and alienation. Every time he thought he had the strength to over come his desires it was only a matter of timed before he would drift to a wonderful wheelchair vision. Maybe just a young women wheeling across the street. The slight jerk of the chair each time her fingerless gloves pushed against the shinny steel rims. He atrophied legs so safely tucked on her footrest moving slightly also with every pulsation of the chair giving a constant reminder that she could not move them on her own. He often wondered if paraplegics enjoyed wheeling as much as he did.

Next to the wide chair was another standard chair like you would see in a mall or an airport but this one was narrower. Other than being a clunker it looked like the right size, Robin instinctively gravitated to the chair. His mind already plotting through every scenario of what might happen if he took off in it. He got closer. He looked around and saw that now one was watching. He got closer and grabbed the handle of the chair ever so slightly immediately his heart started to pulse. Could he get away with it he thought. Could he go for his first wheel in the mall? Why not he thought what’s the worse thing that could happen I could get yelled at by a security guard or be seen by someone and have to explain. Suddenly his desire to wheel overcame his inhibitions. He checked one more time to see if anyone was watching and quickly jumped in the chair. His biceps jumped to attention as he put motion to his new rolling paradise. The feeling of the cold vinyl against the back of his legs the feeling of the rime against his hands. He made believe he cold not walk as he always did. People stared at him but he did not care. Just for today all was well he was in a wheelchair. He was whole No more need to dream it was a reality. Suddenly he realized what he had done. What if he got caught? how could he explain? He quickly wheeled back to the other big chair and got out and went on. His mind still in shock of the wonderful experience he had. He would do it again and soon.

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